Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
I needed to show you this shot, Enthusiasts: Mick is…
Mick is…
Epic.
What?
Fuck me, Daddy.
Excuse me?
Yaaaas, Queen.
Why are you–
41 WAYS MICK JAGGER’S BEARD LETS YOU KNOW YOU’RE A 90’S KID!
…
You all right, champ?
I think I went a little Buzzfeed there.
Yeah. Is that Yves St. Laurent?
Yup.
Why can’t fashion designers ever dress themselves?
Hideous jacket.
C’est merde.
Elvis should not have a beard. Wayne Cochran never had a beard because, as a good American, Wayne Cochran knows that only homosexuals, hippies, and the Lord Jesus Christ are permitted to wear facial hair. Elvis should not have a beard.
Mick Jagger should not have a beard, even though he is rocking that shit so hard that I am now pregnant from having looked at it.
Neither Robert Plant nor Jimmy Page should have beards because this is how they wear them: Robert looks like the Anonymous mask, and Jimmy resembles Arlo Guthrie’s brother. (Arlo Guthrie’s brother is his lyricist, and his name is John Perry Barlo Guthrie.)
Representative Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) should not have a beard, but she knew what she was getting herself into. Wives always know.
What the fuck are you doing here?
“I ‘ear you’re tawkin’ about Wock Stawwws.”
Not you. I did you guys.
“Wot about me sowo albums?”
Hard pass. I think everyone should just go and listen to Radio Busterdog live from TXR.
“Wot?”
Don’t worry about it. Go have more children.
This year’s James Beard Award has been awarded to Mick Jagger and Keith Richards for their contributions to the culinary world.
Also: I know where Bob got his shirt: a store. Where Mick and Keith found whatever you would call their garments is beyond me.
EXT: “WINTERLAND” – NIGHT
OPEN with a DISTRACTINGLY SHOW-OFFY ESTABLISHING SHOT. There are EXTRAS IN COSTUME everywhere.
People are taking DRUGS, which the camera FETISHIZES.
We find our hero, a MACHO GUY WHO LIVES BY HIS OWN CODE WHOM MARTIN SCORSESE WANTS TO FUCK, doing COCAINE out in open, because he is SO MACHO.
He walks up to TWO STONE-COLD TEEN FOXES with BIG TITS and gives them his business card.
C/U on the CARD. It reads “MACHO SCUNGILLI, PASTICHE RECORDS.”
The foxes are IMPRESSED and show him their TITS because we are on PAY CABLE.
MACHO
Ooh. I do like them titties, girls. But not as much as I love
rock and roll music. And cocaine. And leather blazers. Also, I’m
married, which will be a boring sub-plot.
Macho ENTERS “Winterland” (which is not referred to by name due to rights issues).
INT: “WINTERLAND”
We FOLLOW Macho on the SIGNATURE SCORSESE TRACKING SHOT through “Winterland.”
MUSIC CUE: STUDIO GUYS HALF-ASSING THROUGH A GRATEFUL DEAD SOUND-A-LIKE SONG
On the STAGE is the GRATEFUL DEAD, all of whom are played by MICK JAGGER’S SON.
MACHO
Dig that crazy sound! What these guys need is a
little push from Pastiche Records! They’re jamming
so hard that the place might collapse!
EXT: “WINTERLAND”
The building COLLAPSES.
Macho RISES from the rubble like AMERICAN JESUS and SNORTS ALL THE COCAINE.
MUSIC CUE: SOMETHING BY THE ROLLING STONES.
We’re done with the Stones, but this is too much fun not to share.
Also: this would never happen at a Dead show. First off, those balloons would be far too valuable at a Dead show to just waste throwing on the guitar player.
Second, if a Deadhead did rush the stage…wait: a Deadhead would never “rush” the stage. Accidentally stumble out on? Yes. Happen upon? Totally: a Deadhead could absolutely happen upon the stage. (“Hey, guys: look what I found!”)
Third, none of the three guitar-wielding members of the Dead would ever use their instruments as weapon, as each one of them cost as much as a Honda, but featured none of the reliability that Civics and Accords are known for.
Fourth, the Dead’s crew was a little more proactive than the Stones’, apparently. Parish would have given the guy a forearm shiver before he had hit the stairs.
This is farcical, just so you know. Mick did not use kittens as microphones.
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