Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
It’s like a denim farm exploded.
OR
I would throw these men out of Starbucks.
OR
Is Bobby playing the ‘There was a fly on your head’ game? Yes, Bobby is playing the ‘There was a fly on your head’ game.”
OR
Just don’t look at him.
OR
Ten bucks says Mickey called what he was smoking “SEE-gars.”
OR
Seriously, don’t look at him.
“Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face.”
Stop it.
“Drums to fill my dreams.”
That’s not even the line.
“I’m thinking about getting a velour suit with runes all over it. Something spiffy for the summer tour. Can’t let Josh be the only clotheshound out there.”
Cool. Why haven’t you?
“Well, I keep going to the merch table looking for a velour suit to yoink, and every time the kid there is like, ‘We don’t carry size 36 Regular velour suits, Mickey.’ And I usually punch the kid.”
You gotta be you.
“No one else wants to be. Wanna know something?”
You also use the bow for sex stuff.
“How did you know that?”
Just a guess.
“Wow.”
“Look! It’s Nick Offerman!”
Nope.
“Ernest Hemingway?”
No.
“Mariel Hemingway?
That’s Teddy Roosevelt, Mickey.
“Where’s his top hat and wheelchair?”
Did you even go to school?
“I mostly just drummed on my desk.”
Sure.
“History is not my strong suit. Wasn’t that hot at math, either. Or science. Used to skip gym class. Honestly, I just drummed on my desk until they gave me a diploma.”
No doubt. You’re at the Planetarium?
“The Hayden Planetarium in New York City! Never played here before. Very exciting. We’ve already been banned from ever coming back.”
Who is “we?”
“The Dead. I brought everybody. Bobby’s at the bar. Billy’s at the bar. Brent is, well, he’s at the bar, too. Everybody’s at the bar.”
Could you stop using the Time Sheath to bring dead keyboardists to your gigs, please?
“No.”
Okay. What did you guys get banned for?
“Bunch of stuff. You know that Neil DeGrasse Tyson guy?”
Yes.
“We have been calling him Branford all day.”
Not cool.
“He has virtually no sense of humor. Plus, Pigpen stole one of his fancy little vests with all the stars and comets and shit on it.”
You brought Pigpen?
“Big fan of astronomy.”
What else did you guys do?
“There’s been a lot of ‘Uranus’ jokes.”
Can’t be blamed for that.
“Road Crew had a cookout in the main theater. You know that big doohickey that the lasers come out of? Looks like a double-sided dildo?”
I do.
“Turns out if you up the amperage, you can flash-fry a lobster in ten seconds. And, obviously, you set some seats on fire.”
Why can’t the Grateful Dead be taken anywhere nice?
“We’re hooligans.”
Yeah, okay.
“You, uh, wanna do a thing?”
“Is the thing drumming?”
“No.”
…
“Fine, I guess.”
OR
Jeff Chimenti wearing a hat is like Scarlett Johansson wearing a space suit. Do not keep your beauty to yourself, Jeff Chimenti. Does the eagle refuse to fly in fear of embarrassing the pigeon? Let the world see your silvery goodness.
OR
Double potato salad.
OR
I feel like Josh is showing me his invisible engagement ring.
OR
“Thoughts on my Ass! Look at my gum!”
No, thank you, Billy.
“Look!”
Fine. Yes, you have gum in your mouth.
“Sex gum.”
What does that even mean?
“Viagra-flavored. Gum gets soft, and Billy gets hard.”
Ew.
“I’m gonna stick it in stuff.”
Your dick or the gum?
“Both! I used to know some skank in Indianapolis. This chick could chew gum with her swimmin’ hole. Blow bubbles, the whole nine yards. I tried to get her on Star Search, but Ed McMahon called the cops on us.”
Good story.
“I got a million of ’em.”
This is all the rehearsing that Furthur did.
OR
“Oteil?”
“Bobby, stop calling me that.”
OR
Even backstage, Mickey doesn’t get a real drum set.
OR
Heineken?
OR
Jeff Chimenti is a Shorts Die-Hard, isn’t he? Everybody knew one in college: the guy–it’s only guys that do this–who ALWAYS wears shorts, no matter what the weather or occasion. Usually, though, they’re fat guys or at least stocky. Jeff Chimenti is the skinniest SDH I’ve ever seen.
OR
“Yeah, I’m gonna need the white people to stop encircling me, please.”
OR
The fellow with the camera is Justin Kreutzmann–you know Justin–and he’s putting together a documentary about rock and roll drummers called Let There Be Drums. You can read about it, and see something called a sizzle reel, right here.
FUN FACT: For the past few years, Justin has been an editor on The Bachelorette.
“Billy, have you seen my son?”
“Black Phil, Jr.?”
“That is not his name, and that is not my name.”
“Nah, haven’t seen him.”
“I’ve been told otherwise.”
“By who?”
“The guy who writes this bullshit.”
“Thoughts on my Ass? Fuck him. He makes stuff up.”
“Billy, gimme my kid back.”
“You’re just gonna send him to school! I wanna make him awesome.”
“Billy.”
“I’m sorry. The plan is already in action.”
“Oh, hell, no. My son will not be a drummer.”
“And we got a guy coming by in an hour to teach him how to pick locks.”
“I’m calling the cops.”
What is this?
“Oh, glad you’re here. This is the new party poncho from James Perse’s new Dead & Company line. It’s officially licensed!”
It’s a garbage bag, Mickey.
“You know nothing about fashion. It’s Polybutadiene prepared with a high-quality Ziegler–Natta catalyst.”
Uh-huh. Wait here while I google that.
“Sure. I’m gonna drum.”
Great.
…
It’s vinyl, Mickey.
“Officially licensed vinyl.”
Sure.
“What our fans have told us is that they’d like higher-end merch. Also, what I’ve told the merch guys is that I’d like higher-end merch. A man cannot yoink on tee-shirts alone.”
How much is that?
“$1,995.”
Jesus.
“There’s a Stealie on it.”
So?
“So you wouldn’t believe how many rich morons we have as fans.”
I totally would.
Okay, Enthusiasts: this is a tough one. Name:
Winner gets an angry cat thrown at them. GO!
Precarious?
“Yo.”
Why did Keith’s piano move from one side of the stage to the other, depending on what show it was?
“Two reasons.”
Were they shits and giggles?
“Little bit, yeah.”
Why would you do that?
“Gotta find your fun somewhere. We’d put his piano stage left for a few shows, then shift it to the other side, and he’d get so confused. One time, he just sat on a road case and started playing a monitor.”
That is kinda funny.
“Yup. He kept tweaking Bobby’s nipples trying to turn himself up.”
That’s damn funny.
“Certainly was.”
© 2026 Thoughts On The Dead
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑
Recent Comments