Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: mike pence

Like A Dog

November 25, 2019 / / 2 Comments

Hey, Conan the US Army dog. Whatcha doing?

“I have no idea.”

You’re a dog.

“Yeah. I’m relatively whip-smart, though. Compared to a dachshund, I’m Einstein. But I’m still a dog, and I got no idea what’s happening. This is a new place. Never been here before.”

It’s called the White House.

“There are odors you wouldn’t believe in here. Little tip from me to you? Someone has been doing black magick in this building.”

You can’t possibly know that.

“Trust my nose. I’m good at two things: smelling shit, and biting dicks off.”

You bite a lot of dicks off?

“Yeah. It’s classified, so don’t tell anyone. But, yeah. I get their balls, too. Usually.”

You okay with that?

“I am okay with being a good boy, and I am told I am a good boy when I bite off dicks. But not, you know, random dicks. Unauthorized dick-biting makes me a VERY BAD BOY, and I cannot do that again.”

You went freelancing?

“We all make mistakes when we’re young.”

Hey, man. No judgments here.

“Who are these people? This guy I am with is not The Guy, but I know him. He’s good people. Generous with the scratches. Got a lot of fetch in him. Good people, but not The Guy.”

Your handler’s identity is classified.

“Love him. This guy’s good, but not The Guy. What’s with Milkbone here?”

That’s Mike Pence. He’s the Vice-President.

“Look how close I am to his bacon and eggs. One shouted German word and breakfast would be over.”

Don’t eat Mike Pence’s dick. Wait.

…

No. Don’t eat his dick. Hey, how does that work with attack dogs? What if, like, I knew the secret German words?

“What about it?”

Could I shout them at you and get you to do stuff?

“No. What are you, an idiot? You’re not The Guy. I only listen to The Guy. The commands are in German to keep people from knowing what he’s telling me, not because I’m some sort of Manchurian Candidate that goes insane and starts murdering at the sound of German.”

I think it’s also in German because German is a scary-sounding language.

“One would assume. What is this thing? It’s shaped like a person, but doesn’t smell like one.”

That’s a person. He’s the President.

“What does that mean?”

Alpha.

“Oh, God, you’re shitting me. You made this your alpha? I can smell him decaying. And he’s petrified of me.”

The man does not like animals.

“I need you to listen to me: I know what humans smell like. He doesn’t smell like that. Call the authorities.”

He is the authorities.

“I could…you know.”

Eat his genitals?

“Yeah.”

…

…

…

No.

“Took you a while.”

I’m still mulling it over.

Fuck Off With…

May 17, 2018 / / 4 Comments

…detailed longreads about white people dying on mountains.

Fall off a mountain? Your fault and I do not care. Don’t need the backstory, or lovingly-crafted descriptions of what boulders look like in the Colorado sun. Wanna read an interesting story about mountainclimbers? Here. Why is it interesting? Because it’s about Sherpas (nearly) caving in Europeans’ skulls and Nick Paumgarten wrote it. Every other piece about mountaineering can be summed up in one sentence: “When human beings no longer need to worry about food and shelter, the boredom drives them bananas and they start doing stupid shit like climbing Everest and writing novels; sometimes, it ends badly.”

…ex post facto revelations of fictional characters’ sexuality.

Lando’s gay? Great. Know how that could have been conveyed? With a scene where he’s balls-deep in Han. Maybe holding onto his vest for leverage. Know how it shouldn’t? The screenwriter tweeting it out after the movie’s been filmed. Looking at you, JK Rowling.

…your slackdaisy work ethic, my icemaker. 

You give me the amount of ice I need, you son of a bitch, or I’ll jam a screwdriver in your ear. And not all clumped up, either. Get your shit together, my icemaker.

…fear of Mike Pence.

“Oh, you want Mike Pence? Cuz that’s what happens if Turnip gets impeached.” Yes, you smooth-brained used diaper, I want Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when a glass of milk fucks nobody at all ever. He would enter office a fatally damaged charisma sink. He has no national political base besides the God Botherers, and they’re not enough to win an election for the Republicans. (You need the Suburban Assholes, too. People blame Trump on the rural and poor, but people are fucking stupid. Trump won because of the Suburban Asshole vote.)

…Spike Lee.

He was a dick to Brother on the Dead. May the Knicks remain owned by James Dolan forever.

…Avocados.

They’re not from here, and I don’t trust them. Avocados come to this country–completely unskilled, mostly having been on the farm their whole lives–and take jobs from domestic fruits or vegetables or gourds or whatever the fuck avocados are. I call for a complete shutdown, just until we figure out what’s going on.

…Capitalism.

It just doesn’t work. Not saying we go to socialism (and I am the furthest thing from a goddamned Commie) but maybe we should try something new. No one’s invented a new economic theory in forever it seems. Let’s get some bearded malcontents in the British Museum Library and figure out something novel. Ooh, maybe it could have blockchain in it?

…Royal Wedding haters.

I love watching fancy fuckers be all fucking fancy. Unlike the rich people in this country, the Royal Family isn’t actively working to end the world. (Any more.) Also: “Meghan Markle” sounds like a throwaway character from a Dr. Seuss story, and I enjoy that.

A Partial Transcript Of Today’s Gun Control Meeting, 2/28/18

March 1, 2018 / / 3 Comments

“Did everyone try the cookies? Everyone get a cookie? These are, and you have to believe me, the most delicious cookies probably in the world. The whole world. Ratios. All in the ratios. Chips-to-dough. Can’t be too many chips, because that’s just disgusting. You got a mess there. The other way isn’t great, either. Gotta get the ratios. Mike? Where’s Mike? He never stops by lately, he’s probably in church, loves going to church. Mike?”

“Here, sir.”

“Where’s my vice-president? Mike?”

“I’m right here, sir.”

“Okay, Mike. You moved. I knew where you were, but you moved. Have you tried the cookies?”

“Sir, we have an agenda to–”

“I’m the president, and I make the agenda. Cookies are on the agenda. Eat a cookie, Mike. Jesus says it’s okay.”

“I really prefer to snack on cottage cheese and tepid water, sir.”

“Mike, I need your loyalty on this. Are you gonna be loyal, Mike? I need cookie loyalty.”

“I’ll have his cookies, Mr. President.”

“Who said that? What?”

“Dianne Feinstein, sir.”

“Where are you?”

“Literally six inches to your left, sir.”

“I knew that. I saw you the entire time, Dianne Feinstein, right, very Democratic, very bad.”

“Oh, I’m not so bad.”

“You’re not so bad.”

DEMOCRATIC CHEWING NOISE

“You were right, Mr. President. About a lot of things, but specifically these cookies. The best.”

“The best!”

“You pick the best cookies.”

“I do. I pick the best cookies.”

“Hey, let’s ban assault weapons.”

“Y’know, that’s a good idea. Hey, everybody: let’s ban assault weapons.”

OLD WHITE MEN TRYING NOT TO SCREAM BECAUSE THEY’RE ON CAMERA NOISE

“Mr. President, if I might speak from personal experience here: when I was shot last year at a Congressional softball practice–”

“Steve Something.”

“–I was saved…Scalise, sir…by several armed–”

“I like Senators that don’t get shot. We got too many guns. I’m not talking about bing bing bing, I’m talking about the whammajammas. Whatever they’re called, the black ones. We gotta get rid of the black whammajammas, gentlemen. Up to me, I do a comprehensive. All at once, we create something beautiful. We do a comprehensive and we do a bipartisan.”

“Mr. President, I think we’re drifting–”

“Mike, how are we doing with that cookie?”

“I’m fine with the cookie.”

“Filet-O-Fish? I’ll call the guy.”

“Sir, while we are all deeply saddened by the tragedy in Parkand, we need to make sure we’re not having a knee-jerk reaction.”

“Not like this is the first one. Keeps happening! These are sick people, sick, and they’re crazy in the head. And that’s sad. But there’s nothing you can do for crazy. Sad. Nothing you can do. But they got guns! I think we gotta take the guns. Go in there and grab ’em. First you grab the guns, and then you worry about the legal. The legal will come later. Forget about the legal, you gotta grab the guns.”

“I think we need to worry about ‘the legal,’ sir.”

“Man, this guy. Mike Pence loves guns so much. Mike, how much did the NRA give you this year?”

“We’re on teevee, sir.”

“Tons! They own half this room. NRA owns you guys, but we gotta do something about the guns.”

“Mr. President, may I have another scrumptious cookie?”

“Absolutely, Dianne.”

“You have the best taste in snacks.”

“Many people tell me that. Great snacks.”

“Much better than Obama.”

“Yes, yes, much better than Obama.”

“Hey, let’s raise the age limit on handguns to 21.”

“Great idea. Hey, everybody–”

“SHUT THOSE CAMERAS OFF!”

CONGRESSIONAL LEADERS KICKING OVER CAMERAS NOISE

I Agree With Steven Van Zandt

November 19, 2016 / / 16 Comments

screen-shot-2016-11-19-at-10-17-32-pm

I salute Steven Van Zandt for his restraint, ethics, and compassion in his opinion on today’s controversy. (Not the President-Elect settling a class-action fraud suit for $25 million, the shiny distraction.) I would salute him further for his outspokenness, but Steven has saluted himself for that.

Mike Pence attended the musical Hamilton last night; he was roundly booed, and one of the actors addressed him directly during the curtain call. I do not know whether the short speech was in specific reference to legislation Mike Pence has shepherded and signed legalizing discrimination against homosexuals, nor am I aware if the actor mentioned Governor Pence’s advocacy of using government funds on conversion therapy.*

The theater, according to people who do not work in theater, is a sacred space. It is where Art is made, and capitalized, and must rise above our petty preoccupations; I agree with Steven Van Zandt: mixing politics and Hamilton was a mistake.

What happened last night was bullying, for a certain** definition of the word, and it has no place on the stage. The appropriate response would have been to perform the show as written, then call a bunch of your celebrity buddies, and record a terrible protest song. That’s how we do things in Jersey.

Steven Van Zandt–who has been known as both Little Steven and Miami Steve, which is ironic seeing as how both the little guy and your typical Miami resident will soon be getting fucked by the man he’s defending–believes that the actors should have asked for a meeting with Pence, so that they could say things privately about things he’s done publicly. Van Zandt would also be fine with a letter, but not an open one printed in the paper (bullying); a disapproving look, but not a head shake (also bullying); or giving Mike Pence a weak handshake. (Obviously, refusing to shake the Veep’s hand would be bullying of the lowest variety.)

Would Martin Luther King have appreciated what you did, Hamilton, boldly declaring yourself to be a human being in front of a powerful man who did not agree? Don’t you recall how Christ was respectful to the money changers, waiting until they were all in private to bring up his disagreements? Just because a man builds his career on the persecution of minorities doesn’t give them the right to ask him to stop. Lotta balls you got on you, Hamilton.

Unlike his solo albums, Steven Van Zandt’s words should be listened to. Art must be for everyone, as opposed to civil rights, which are for the people Mike Pence says can have them. Huzzah, Little Steven: I doff my bandana to you.

*Forced therapy, actually. Your parents could sign you up for it if they found your porn stash was not straight porn, which the Lord dislikes but will forgive, or gay porn, which the Lord detests. Large men would come into your bedroom real early in the morning and snatch you up and bring you somewhere. If they couldn’t talk the gay out of you, they’d hook you up to a car battery and burn it out of you. Tax money would pay for it, and if you can reconcile supporting this and the Hyde Amendment simultaneously, then you’re a better man than I, Gunga Din.

**Incorrect.

The Stacks

Follow Us

Google Verification

Follow Us

Follow me on Twitter

© 2026 Thoughts On The Dead

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑