OVAL OFFICE – JUST BEFORE LUNCH
“Everyone listen up, because I’m going over the plan. This is, without a doubt, the most spectacular plan that any president has ever come up with, and everyone is telling me how happy they are with it. General Kelly, your code word is gonna be ‘Swordfish.’ When I say ‘Swordfish,’ you pop your head in like you had just wandered by and talk about how much we love each other.”
“Sir, I–”
“Pompeo, you’re gonna come through the other door, and your word is ‘La Cucaracha.’ One of my favorite Mexican words. Love to say that. La cucaracha. That’s nice.”
“Sir–”
“Pence, where are you gonna come in from? There’s only two doors.”
“Sir!”
“Go hide in the closet, Mike. What, General?”
“The reporter is already in the room, sir. Sitting right in front of you.”
“I knew that. No one, maybe no one in history, has ever seen reporters as well as I do. Hands down. Many reporters, even the ones who lie and are not very nice, tell me, ‘Mr. President, I noticed how well you saw me.’ And that’s a great compliment to me. You’re Olivia?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Not bad. You work out?”
“Sir, I had some questions for you, if you wouldn’t mind, mostly about your relationship with General Kelly.”
“It’s great. We just got a Supreme Court Justice on the bench, and people said we couldn’t, but this is a White House that wins. Dirty, dirty women came out of the woodwork and lied about a wonderful man who skis and went to Yale. He’s already, probably, the best Justice that’s ever served. We replaced NAFTA. We gave NAFTA the shafta. That’s what we’ve been saying around here, it’s great. You know I hosted Saturday Night Live twice? Reagan was funny, but I might be the funniest president. China.”
“What about China?”
“Nikki Haley leaves, but she told me six months ago that she was going to, so this isn’t a surprise to me. Maybe to you, but this was the plan. Eight months ago, she comes and says, ‘Mr. President, I love helping you make America great, but I think I could do a better job without the shackles of the UN.’ She said shackles! Because that’s the United Nations. Awful place. Complete waste of real estate. Jobs.”
“Yes? Jobs?”
“No one has ever had a better relationship than myself and General Kelly. He comes in here and, like, imposes order. Not that there wasn’t order before, because everything’s always run very, very well, but he comes in and there’s a whole different atmosphere. Military. He’s got that thing. You should watch him eat. None of the food touches the other food. He’s all squared away, and that’s bringing something to the table. Pork chops!”
“What?”
“Pork chops!”
…
“Pork chops?”
“I’m still standing next to you, sir. And you meant ‘Swordfish.'”
“Oh, General, come on in. What a coincidence.”
“Jesus.”
“Tell Olivia, who is a solid 8, what a good relationship we have.”
“I serve at the pleasure of the President.”
“See? I give him pleasure. Olivia, do you always wear your hair like that?”
“Sir, I have another question. I have multiple sources that say you offered the job of Chief of Staff to Nick Ayers from the VP’s office.”
GENERAL KELLY PULLING BACK THE DRAPES TO REVEAL NICK AYERS NOISE
“Jesus!”
“Hello, Olivia. I deny categorically all allegations regarding any job offers.”
GENERAL KELLY RE-CONCEALING NICK AYERS BEHIND THE DRAPES NOISE
“This is getting weird.”
“Olivia, there’s no collusion. How many millions of dollars has this man Mueller spent and found absolutely nothing besides the fact that the Democrats are all working with Russians. All around the country, judges are telling me that there’s no collusion. Judges! I had one, you would probably know her, she’s on teevee, but she says to me, ‘Mr. President, don’t let these monsters get you down.’ And Judge Judy is right in that there’s no collusion.”
“She’s really not an authority in this case.”
“Very wealthy woman. Killer. Real killer. Not so easy on the eyes, but she found her niche. Very successful. General, give Olivia the paper.”
GENERAL HANDING OVER A SHEET OF PAPER NOISE
“This is a list of your accomplishments.”
“Look at the font! You can barely make it out. There were so many accomplishments that they had to make the font very, very small. Obama? Huge fonts.”
“Mm-hmm. ‘Lowest black unemployment in the history of blacks.'”
“True! No one, not even Obama, who was a black himself, did so much for the blacks.”
“Um, ‘Withdrew from the horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad Iran deal.'”
“All true. All those words, very true.”
“Well, this isn’t right. ‘Defeated Thanos.’ You did not do that.”
“Absolutely. I absolutely defeated Thanos. No one thought I could, but he was really a much weaker opponent than anyone figured.”
“No.”
“You could just print that, really. Run it just like that and people will say, ‘Thank you for finally being honest about what great things President Trump is doing for our nation.’ I guarantee you. General, we’re doing Subway today.”
“Oh, no, sir.”
“The meatball thing is a great sub, General. I’m from New York, and I’ve eaten probably more meatball subs than anyone else in the world, and I’m telling you that Subway does it right. Pompeo? Meatball sub?”
“I’d be honored to eat a meatb–”
“Yeah, yeah, great. Pence? Mike? Meatball sub?”
“I will not eat if there is an unaccompanied woman present, sir.”
“You’re a mess, Mike. Holy shit, there’s a lot wrong with you. Olivia stays, you go.”
SAD, TREACHEROUS MAN LEAVING THE OVAL OFFICE NOISE
“Olivia? Meatball sub?”
“Why the hell not?”
Recent Comments