“Look at-a da pretty girl.”
She’s very attractive, Your Holiness.
“Is-a da Demi Lovato?”
No.
“Is-a da Halsey? She’s-a so hot now, da Halsey.”
Not Halsey. That’s Katy Perry.
“Little Potato’s Katy Perry?”
Wow, that nickname got to the Vatican already, huh?
“We got-a da wifi.”
Sure.
“Katy needs-a da hit. Been a while.”
She’s in a fallow period of her career.
“She needs-a da beef. She should-a feud with-a da Cardi B.”
Oh, that would be a terrible idea.
“Si, si. I’m-a joking. Cardi B is-a da savage. Katy would-a get ethered.”
Yes, sir.
“What’s-a with Legolas? Are-a da skinny ties back again?”
I guess.
“Ties-a get skinny, then-a fat, then-a skinny. Back and-a forth. Like-a da Oprah.”
You’re killing it tonight, Your Holiness.
“You keep-a da secret?”
Yes.
“I was s’posed to host-a da White House Correspondent’s Dinner. Tell-a da jokes about Signor Bing Bong. I got all this material I got-a no use for.”
Why did you cancel?
“They-a fire me!”
What!? Who would fire the Pope?
“People gonna go to hell, that’s-a who.”
You would forgive them.
“I don’t-a know. I was-a lookin’ forward to it. Get in some hang time with-a da Jake Tapper.”
You know Jake Tapper?
“Everybody knows-a da Tapp. Solid hang.”
Why did they fire you, Your Holiness?
“I said-a dat abortion and-a da homosexuality is-a da sin.”
Oh, right. Your beliefs.
“Si, si. And-a I shelter many, how you say, bambino-pumpers.”
You shouldn’t say it that way.
“Don’t correct-a da Pope.”
Sorry.
“Dominus there you go. Is okay. I stay at-a da Vatican. Watch-a da Avengers.You think-a Katy wants-a to chill?”
You should ask her, but I don’t think you’re her type.
“What’s-a her type?”
Tall, dark, and douchey.
“Chicks-a dig jerks, man.”
Tell me about it.
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