Instead of “It’s raining cats and dogs,” try “This weather is the fault of the patriarchy.”

Instead of “Birds of a feather flock together,” try “Why are pigeons disenfranchised in America?”

Instead of “Pig in a poke,” try “I hope the Palestinians slaughter every last Jew they can find, including the small Jewish babies.”

Instead of “Hungry as a horse,” try “Hey hey, ho ho, this penis-party’s got to go.”

Instead of “Lie down with dogs and get up with fleas,” try “Camille Paglia is a counter-revolutionary who will one day answer for her crimes.”

Instead of “Rats in a drain ditch, dogs on a pile,” say “I don’t listen to music made by white cis-men.”

Instead of “That’s a horse of a different color, try “Don’t blame me, I voted for Jill Stein.”