“Good morning to all you MSNBC viewers out there, which means good morning to 70-year old liberals, Twitter-famous layabouts hoping for a trainwreck, and…huh, I can’t think up a third one. I understand watching Fox or CNN, but who the hell would choose MSNBC? It’s like going to Hardee’s when there’s a McDonald’s and a Burger King right across the street. But hey: You’re here, I’m here, let’s do this. My guest is the White House’s Director of Trade Policy, Peter Navarro.”
“I’m also in charge of the Defense Production Act, and the President let me have a sip of his Diet Coke once.”
“Why would you want to drink from someone else’s glass?”
“I had a theory that the Diet Coke’s possession by the President would make it taste better than Diet Coke owned by, say, a poor person. Executive transubstantiation, if you will. And I was right! I wish President Trump could just spit all my beverages into my mouth.”
“Ew.”
“I tasted heaven that afternoon, Katy.”
“Let’s get to the point: You recently wrote an Op-Ed for the Washington Post entitled ‘Anthony Fauci Has Been Wrong About Everything I Have Interacted With Him On.’ Can you share with us some of the disagreements you’ve had with Dr. Fauci?”
“It’s not so much individual disagreements as it is two opposing worldviews, one of which is wrong. We fundamentally disagree on the topic of the coronavirus. He’s just a doomer, man. Can’t go to ball games. Can’t go to discotheques. I’m sure you can guess how he feels about the Chinese buffet place. You know the one I’m talking about. Usually in the same strip mall with a supermarket. And not entirely Chinese. I mean, the owners are Chinese and there’s Chinese crap all over the walls, but the food’s from everywhere. Chinese buffet by me has pizza and cupcakes.”
“I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”
“Well, it speaks to the congenital disrespect that the Chinese have for our Intellectual Properties.”
“Congenital?”
“Oh, yeah. Every Chinaman is a born bootlegger.”
“Do not use that kind of language on my show, Mr. Navarro.”
“What? Chinaman?”
“Yes.”
“How is that wrong? If someone called me an Americaman, I’d be like ‘Damn straight, brother.'”
“We were discussing your op-ed about Dr. Fauci.”
“Perfidious sheep-shagger.”
“That’s a bold accusation.”
“The adjective or the noun?”
“The whole phrase. What exactly have you and Dr. Fauci differed on?”
“The science, Katy! It’s all about the science.”
“What about the science?
“He wants to pay attention to it, and I say we ignore it.”
“Ah.”
“What has science ever done for us, anyway?”
“Provided us with civilization?”
“What about lately? What has science done for us lately? You know there hasn’t been a new Dr. Pepper flavor introduced in ten years? Science has dropped the ball, Katy. Time to cut it loose.”
“I don’t think that’s a great idea.”
“All of my ideas are great. Just this morning, I had a spectacular idea.”
“What was it?”
“Shooting war with China.”
“God, no! That’s the worst idea in the entire world.”
“It would be a license to print money, Katy. Nothing gooses the economy like a good war.”
“Speaking of the economy, Mr. Navarro: You were trained as an economist, and have worked in the field your whole career, correct?”
“Yup.”
“So how are you qualified to comment on Dr. Fauci’s medical opinions?”
“Lemme tell you a little secret, Katy: Being a doctor is 90% bullshit. You wear your little coat, hit people’s knees with your stupid hammer, and tell ’em to quit smoking and lose some weight. There’s nothing to it.”
“Nothing you said was correct.”
“According to who? Experts? Scientists? Smaaaaaaaaaaaart people? Aren’t you tired of this tyranny of the clever?”
“No.”
“Well, you’re a sheep, Katy. Hot sheep, but still a sheep. The fact is that Anthony Fauci is in cahoots with MS-13, and also maybe a Terminator.”
“What now?”
“Cyborg assassin from the future. Maybe SkyNet sent him to kill all of us. That’s a lot more difficult than just killing one lady. You’d have to finesse that one. What better way to murder America than to take control of its health apparatus? Crafty little bugger, I’ll give him that. Faucinator plays the long game.”
“Don’t call him that. Dr. Fauci is not a killer robot from the future.”
“Cyborg. If it was just a robot, it couldn’t make it through the time portal.”
“Anthony Fauci is a human being from the present. Your allegations are absurd.”
“Absurd? How is trying to save America from a werewolf absurd?”
…
“I am also accusing Dr. Fauci of being a werewolf.”
“Dammit, Navarro.”
“If he’s not a werewolf, then why does he fear being shot with a silver bullet?”
“Have you–”
“Threatened! Just threatened! There has been no gunplay in President Trump’s White House, and we never get any credit for that.”
“There’s not supposed to be gunplay anywhere!”
“Katy, this is America. Now who’s being absurd?”
“Do you have any other complaints about Dr. Fauci?”
“The President asked me to point out that Dr. Fauci is of Italian descent, and you know how those people are. Always stuff falling off the backs of trucks around them.”
“That is breathtakingly racist.”
“I am pointing out a fact, Katy. You can’t argue with numbers, and the numbers say that all Italians are mobbed up.”
“They are not! Stop that!”
“I’d trust a Jewish doctor, but an Italian one? C’mon. He probably got his tongue depressors from his cousin.”
“We’re going to commercial.”
“Some ethnicities are trustworthy, and some aren’t! That is the official position of the American government!”
“Go to commercial!”
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