“Buzz–”
“Still not my name, Bob.”
“–I have several more questions about space.”
“Sure, that’s great.”
“I have been reliably informed that in space, no one can hear you scream.”
“That’s correct.”
“Does that also apply to shouting?”
“Yes.”
“Yelling?”
“What we refer to as sound is actually a pressure wave propagating through a medium. Sound can travel through air, or water, or even steel. But space is a vacuum, and so there’s nothing for the wave to ride on. Space is totally silent.”
“Like Keith.”
“Okay, I guess.”
“My next question concerns ice pirates.”
“There are no ice pirates, Bob.”
“I have been reliably informed that in space, there are ice pirates.”
“You’re thinking about a terrible movie from 1984.”
“C.H.U.D.?”
“No, Ice Pirates.”
“The folks who made C.H.U.D. really blew their wads on the title. There’s not much to that flick other than a clever name.”
“Never seen it.”
“Not a classic. Guess there’s zero chance of a chud attack in space. There’s no underground in space, right?”
“There’s no ground at all.”
“There ya go. No chuds in space.”
“I certainly didn’t see any when I was up there.”
“There ya go again. We’ve settled that, I think. Good for us. Science leaps forward.”
ZOOM CALL WAITING NOISE
“Buzz–”
“Please stop calling me that.”
“–I gotta take this. It might be Matt Busch. I sent him for chewing tobacco three days ago and haven’t seen him since.”
“Three days? You should call the police.”
“Oh, no. Matt’s got warrants. Hold, please.”
…
“Weir here.”
“Weir? Get me out of this crazy thing!”
“Phil?”
“I’ve been stuck in a Zoom for a week now. Levon showed me which buttons to mash, but I forgot and now I can’t leave the Zoom.”
“Huh. Is that an aurora?”
“Yes. Apparently, Zoom has an Arctic circle, and I’m above it.”
“It doesn’t look too cold.”
“Downright balmy.”
“That’s nice, at least. Have you tried unplugging it and waiting ten seconds?”
“I’m stuck in a pocket reality, man, not fucking with a router.”
“Quarantining should be easy.”
“Piece of cake. I’m the only one in here.”
thwip
FLUMP
“Was that a blowdart?”
“Da. Vas blowdart.”
“Please, uh, don’t do that to Phil.”
“Putin blowdart who Putin vant to blowdart.”
“Is he gonna be all right?”
“Da. Is only tranquilizer.”
“He’s tranquil, all right.”
“Putin is vatching Zoom calls all day.”
“Aren’t they private?”
“Nyet. Russia hacks into Zoom. Also, Putin secretly own Zoom.”
“Y’don’t say.”
“Da. Putin vatch many business decision. Conversations vhich should be on secure lines? Putin vatch those, too. Putin bug all America. Even better, Putin bug all America, and then get some of America to pay for premium features on bug.”
“Huh. Wow.”
“Putin is having legendary run.”
“You’ve put a lot of wins in a row, I’ll give ya that.”
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