No other countries allow their politicians to get away with the bullshit we do; year-long elections would, in most otherwise decent and reasonable societies, lead to riots and the stampinado. There’s only so much anyone can take, less if it includes Marco Rubio. Other countries might say, “Does it really take 15 months and $2 billion to decided between two corporate lawyers you would give your left nut not to be in the same room with?”
And we would say, “Fuck you, rest of the world.” We are good at saying that and therefore, the first debate of the 2016 race is this week. TotD presents a Guide to the Perplexed (without research, although I will look at the most recent list of the fuckers because I can only name like three of them off-hand before I start making up names.)
DEMOCRATS
Hillary Clinton is the presumptive nominee and therefore the presumptive first lady President and therefore the first President not able to use the Oval Urinal. Shadier than a parasol on a porch. Probably killed Vince Foster accidentally during rough sex. Bill comes with her and will cause trouble. Probably worth electing her just to watch Sean Hannity’s head explode.
Jim Webb is from Virgina, where he was either a Senator or a Representative for a certain amount of years. Perhaps he still holds this job? We’ll never know. He’s shaped like Fred Flintstone and loves soldiers. Jim Webb will not be President.
Lincoln Chafee is from Rhode Island and therefore in the Mafia, I would assume. He will not be President.
Martin O’Malley is the former governor of Maryland. He was also the mayor of Baltimore, which is objectively a better job than being President of the United States. Big city American mayors have immense amounts of power that they can wield directly: the Presidency is like being a CEO of a massive conglomerate that you never quite understand the full workings of or even see; mayors are like small-time Kings and they get to wander around their lands telling people where to plant crops and occasionally lopping a head or two off. Mayor is a plum gig. Martin O’Malley will not be President.
Bernie Sanders is right about everything unless he thinks he is going to be President; then he wrong about one thing, because Bernie Sanders will not be President.
REPUBLICANS
Jim Gilmore is a human, probably. He will almost certainly be wearing a suit, unless he is actively exercising or sleeping. Jim Gilmore does not even deserve the dignity of being told that he will not be President. That would just be a charade, Jim Gilmore. You don;t need to be told. You know, Jim Gilmore.
John Kasich is from Ohio and runs for President a lot, I think. Maybe he was the Governor of Ohio; maybe he was the Pope of Ohio. Greenwich Village has a Pope: why shouldn’t Ohio? He looks like this:
He will not be President.
Scott Walker is the governor of Minnesota Wisconsin and gained national attention by being such a dick that a coalition of hippies, teachers, and carnies moved into the Capital Building for a month. (The carnies were not politically motivated: whatever city is the capital of Minnesota is cold in the winter and the carnies just wanted to be indoors.) He has a face like a plate full of lasagna someone pissed on. Scott Walker went to Philadelphia, which is full of loathsome people, and did that politician thing where you gag down the local delicacy and act like it’s not cheap meat and fake cheese on a bun served by a racist. While he was eating his cheese steak, local hooligans held up signs declaring things about Scott Walker’s butt; the Governor was not capable of finding a seat where he could be photographed without the idiots behind him. This disqualifies you from the White House; Scott Walker will not be President.
Chris Christie is what other countries think of us, given flesh. New Jersey governors are almost all incompetent and corrupt boobs: many of them wind up resigning in disgrace, but this will not be Chris Christie’s end. Resigning in disgrace requires shame, or at least the ability to listen to your lawyer’s advice. There is an almost 100% chance of Chris Christie telling an Iowan woman to “shut her fucking hick mouth” and he will not be President.
Bobby Jindal is another governor, this time from Louisiana, which has rebuilt the Superdome and should be congratulated for that. Bobby Jindal thinks science is for homos; he also does not like homos. Bobby Jindal and President Obama do have one thing in common: both found Christ the same week they decided to go into politics, but Bobby Jindal will not be President.
Donald Trump will also probably call someone a hick while in Iowa, but his numbers will get a slight bump because of it. He is a half-digested circus peanut with man-boobs. He bankrupted a casino, which is only possible if you take math out of the equation. In the past few weeks, he has called an entire nation rapists, given out a sitting US Senator’s personal phone number, and called a POW a loser. TotD–and all lovers of a chuckle–hope Donald Trump stays in the race forever, but he won’t, and he also won’t be President.
Jeb Bush is not the dumbest Bush; in fact, he may be the smartest of the Bush brothers. Neil could barely feed himself and has not been seen in public for a while now. You’ve met George W. Thinks he’s Cuban, for some reason. (Gets a lot of money from Cuban people might be the reason.) Him and Hillary and Chelsea and Barbara and all the rest of these people can go fuck themselves on an ice floe; Jeb Bush might be President.
Rick Perry is my hero: that man did the last campaign Bobby-level pilled-up. Ricky had him a good ol’ time: shakin’ hands, wearin’ boots, answerin’ questions. The glasses are not helping Rick Perry with the perception that he is dumb as a rock. Remember when they put Denise Richards in glasses and made her try to pronounce the word “nuclear” in that James Bond movie? It looks like that and Rick Perry will not be President.
Lindsey Graham is running on a dare. McCain’s bored and wants to go barnstorming around the Midwest. A crazy rich person is bankrolling the whole thing. A bomb has been implanted into his brain and if Lindsey Graham stops running for president, it’ll go off. One of those Juaquin Phoenix-type documentaries. The only way he can come is by eating corn dogs publicly. Being chased by meth dealers. Podium fetish. Just in the race to taunt Donal Trump into calling him a fruit. Perhaps all of these reasons, but Lindsey Graham does not actually think he could be President, which is good because he can’t.
George Pataki was a putz twenty years ago and is now an old putz. Putz.
Rick Santorum has got to be kidding at this point.
Mike Huckabee used to be Governor of Arkansas and he made Bill Clinton look honest. Now, he makes tssking noises at homosexuals, and also insinuates that women are whores. Not all women, but the ones you’d want to know, or date. Secretly the most cynical of the lot of them: Huckabee has no thought of actually winning anything, but he would like to stay in the news and raise the prices for when he goes back to TV and giving speeches. Fuck him and his bass.
Ben Carson used to be a world-class doctor and now pretends not to believe in evolution for checks and first-class accommodations, which is honestly a pretty good trade-off. Ben Carson has found himself a nice second career, but he will not be President.
Carly Fiorina is a businesslady and honestly, now.
Marco Rubio is young, Latino, and vaguely presentable. What’s going on in that head of his? Something? Nothing? We may never know, as he will not be President.
Rand Paul is from Kentucky and is a Libertarian, which is a philosophy based around going with the first thought you have. (Humans by nature have “Fuck ’em all and fetch me a beer” as their first thought.) Like dragons and Bond Villains, Rand Paul enjoys gold. Literally and honestly believes that global currency should be based on physical possession of shiny rocks. Hair is not compelling. Strongly favors the sanctity of private property unless it’s a womb, in which case that sucker belongs to all of us. Will not be President.
Ted Cruz is clearly a fictional character. He was a shady, unlikable, villainous Senator in a Young Adult novel about a dystopian society where a girl JUST LIKE YOU learns how special she is when she runs the Anger Gauntlet and he popped out of the pages Purple Rose of Cairo-style and now he’s real, but still two-dimensional. He’s just covered in flop sweat and will not be President.
This is Phil and he’s drunk:
“If you pop the ball up, you’re out.”
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