Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: phil lesh (Page 9 of 105)

Cryptid Development

We’re still doing the hat thing?

“You’re still alive?”

Why can’t we be buddies? Bobby’s nice to me.

“That’s because he has no idea who you are. As far as Weir’s concerned, you might be one of his daughters. Man’s been befuddled since the Mayaguez sank.”

Going for the deep historical reference. Nice.

“Fuck off. Haven’t I 86’ed you from TXR?”

Yes.

“Then why are you here?”

I’m a rebel, man.

“You’re a twat.”

Phil, why do you have to be so…wait.

“What is it now, pest?”

I sense fuckery.

MY WAY RINGTONE NOISE

Yup. Fuckery.

“I don’t have to get this, but I want to.”

“Terrapin Crossroads, where the shrimp scampi is 20% off this week.”

“Hi, am I speaking to Phillip Lesh?”

“It’s not Phillip. It’s Philbert. Who is this?”

“This is Ronan Farrow.”

“Hm. Short hair works for you.”

“How exactly are you people seeing me?”

“Don’t worry about it. Are you calling for Holly Bowling tickets?”

“I am not.”

“Did Holly Bowling’s Hat sexually assault someone?”

“I don’t even think that’s possible.”

“You don’t know that hat. Complete asshole. Shocked it’s not the Secretary of Agriculture or something.”

“No, I actually have some questions for you. Can you fill me in on what precisely the ‘Hostility Suite’ was?”

“I could, but you’re gonna be too busy running from the draculostrich.”

“The what?”

“SHIT!”

HANDSOME MAN RUNNING AWAY NOISE

“Little punk doesn’t know who he’s dealing with.”

Good work, Phil.

“I’ll send one to your house, too, dickbreath.”

Always a fun time visiting.

Live/Dead At The Apollo

Oh, God, Disney bought the Apollo Theater, didn’t they?

“What’s that, jackass?”

It’s just that when you think “Apollo,” this isn’t the image. This looks like a GOP donors’ gathering.

“Always about race with you. You’re like Malcolm X if he were a moron.”

It’s a historic venue. Any cool stuff backstage?

“James Brown’s cape. Well, one of ’em. Big signed picture of Aretha. And Ashford & Simpson.”

There’s a signed picture of Ashford & Simpson?

“No, they’re backstage. I think they live there.”

Sure. Why isn’t Grahame in the picture with you?

“Ah, he’s broken up about Mac Miller dying. They grew up together.”

Huh?

“Mac Miller was Steve Miller’s son.”

That’s not true.

“You question me one more time and I’ll split your lip.”

Good Lord, you’re cantankerous.

“I’ll can your tank.”

What?

“Go away.”

Nice catching up.

Phil Lesh: Bro

Still doing the hat thing?

“Stay out of it, jackass.”

“You want me to hit him with my guitar, Dad?”

“Dammit, Grahame, you don’t hit people with guitars. You hit ’em with mic stands.”

So, uh, Phil: you read the book?

“I have not. Which book?”

You know which book. The one about the Dead since Garcia’s death.

“Huh. I was unaware such a thing existed. Maybe I’ll check into that.”

You’re a terrible liar.

“That Selvin asshole is a prick, and has been since nineteen-fucking-seventy-three. Mean little bald fuck, that guy. Remember Liz Adams? Used to do the gossip column? All that shit about who’s fucking who, and who went to jail? That’s Selvin, but he pretends to be a music writer. That guy can suck the piss from my limp dick.”

So, you know him?

“Since forever.”

And you began hating him because?

“He wrote that I looked like Ichabod Crane.”

That’s rude.

“It is. It absolutely is.”

And not true.

“Thank you.”

You look like Sam the Eagle.

“And now you’re on the Fuck You List, too.”

Aw.

Turn The Beat (And Cap) Around

Hey, Phil. Whatcha doing?

“Ah, fuck. I thought you forgot about me.”

It’s been a while since we talked.

“It was nice. Nobody was shitting on my bocce courts. Putin didn’t show up at all. I valued your absence.”

Well, I’m back.

“You don’t have to be. And I didn’t invite you.”

What are we doing with our hat, buddy?

“In fact, I’m actively disinviting you.”

Did a Millennial show you how to wear a baseball cap that way?

“Security!”

“I’ll kick his ass, Dad.”

“You’ll kick nothing but sand, Grahame!”

“Aw.”

“See what you’ve done? Out!”

I just want to be a fan.

“Do it somewhere else.”

Aw.

The Bus Came By And Everyone Got On Even Though They Were Expressly Warned Not To

“You need to get off the bus.”

“Down! Down!”

“Why won’t you act like the black kids at Wattstax six years from now?”

“Don’t worry about why I know what black people are doing in the future. Just get off the bus.”

OR

When Paul Simon wrote that line about everything looking worse in black and white, he must have been unaware of Garcia’s rainbow trousers.

Dire Wolfe

His name was Pigpen–it wasn’t, really; but that’s what the all the groovies and chickies called him–and he was first to be noticed. All eyes! no matter how doopy and drippy: there he was, not corpulent but solid behind a Vox organ, which is what all the garage bands–they’re called “garage bands” now in homage to their place of birth, even if it’s not true–are playing because it is far less dear than a Hammond or (God forbid) a piano. (“Can you imagine Pigpen playing a piano?” a barefoot girl asked me. “That’s what Shakespeare played!”) And then Jerry Garcia and his hair like a frozen storm cloud: black and tumultuous; he was not thin like the other members of the group, but nor was he as fat as Pigpen and he was so in a different way: a lazy weight, a seated weight, a joint-borne weight:::::::and then they began to make a sound like THRONGTHRONGDAKKA over and over::::::the drummer (who was introduced by a number of appellations: Bill, Billy, the Original White Negro) had several facial tics, and they competed and jousted: cheeks against eyelids in a holding pattern, gritted jaw coming around the flank.

The electric bass player is reportedly the smart one–almost five semesters at San Mateo Community College under the belt his old lady shoplifted from the Army surplus store–and he does not play like the black musicians who prefer an ostinato, instead wandering around the fretboard; sometimes like a cougar searching for prey, and sometimes like a senile pensioner searching for the house she lived in 40 years prior. The “cute” one is called Bob by men, or Bobby by girls, or WEIR! by the rest of the group: he is younger by a few years, and the Grateful Dead are all at an age when a few years matters.

And the rest! My God the hangers-on! Attendants, if you will. Burly brutes for lifting the delicate amplifiers and old ladies for fetching Cokes and skinny dudes in winklepicker shoes rolling numbers (no one calls them “joints” anymore; keep up, keep up) and engorged bikers in denim and leather–the only ones present drinking beer–and “with-it” negros and at least one nastily conspicuous newspaper reporter in a suit and tie.

Don’t forget the chickies! They are everywhere and eternally sixteen (if that); several have removed their blouses to reveal apple-dumpling breasts that remain static with the chickies’ torsos (gravity is a rumor to the chickies!) and they congregate–that is the word, congregate–beneath the “cute” one Bobby; they dance like deboned chickens in an earthquake and Bobby–WEIR!–smiles to himself and throws back his hair which is just as long if not longer than the chickies and 30 minutes, or maybe two, the band stops playing but the crowd keeps going.

The Grateful damned Dead!

You Know I Been To The Edge, And Then I Stood And Looked Down

Are you guys the Intellectual Dark Web I keep hearing about?

“Stuff it, jerkwad.”

Hey, Phil. What’s with the glove?

“None of your business.”

Did you coat your hand in vaseline before putting it on like Curly in Of Mice And Men?

“What?”

Is that Rick Rubin?

“Shut up.”

Are you okay with your son’s potato salad?

“We’re done.”

Aw.

Sell The People What They Want

“BEER HERE! Getcha beer here!”

Hey, Beer Guy.

“That’s insulting.”

What? You were just shouting “Beer here.”

“But it’s not all I do. I pride myself on offering a wide array of goods specifically chosen for each crowd.”

That’s some good capitalism there. This is the Phil and Phriends show, right?

“Yup. My inventory is custom-tailored to the Deadhead audience.”

Whatcha got?

“Beer, obviously. But it’s not, like, drinkable. It’s got, like, 12 or 13 bocks in it.”

That should sell well.

“You know those little heating pads that stick to your lower back?”

Yeah.

“Already sold out.”

Nice.

“Obviously, all the liniments and balms are gone, too.”

Sure.

“Dude, you would not believe how many pairs of reading glasses I’ve sold.”

Smart stock. That is a smart stock.

“Right? Half of everybody left ’em in the car, and the other half sat on ’em.”

What else?

“Ear plugs.”

For what?

“Bird Song.”

Okay.

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