Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: Pigpen (Page 3 of 20)

Dire Wolfe

His name was Pigpen–it wasn’t, really; but that’s what the all the groovies and chickies called him–and he was first to be noticed. All eyes! no matter how doopy and drippy: there he was, not corpulent but solid behind a Vox organ, which is what all the garage bands–they’re called “garage bands” now in homage to their place of birth, even if it’s not true–are playing because it is far less dear than a Hammond or (God forbid) a piano. (“Can you imagine Pigpen playing a piano?” a barefoot girl asked me. “That’s what Shakespeare played!”) And then Jerry Garcia and his hair like a frozen storm cloud: black and tumultuous; he was not thin like the other members of the group, but nor was he as fat as Pigpen and he was so in a different way: a lazy weight, a seated weight, a joint-borne weight:::::::and then they began to make a sound like THRONGTHRONGDAKKA over and over::::::the drummer (who was introduced by a number of appellations: Bill, Billy, the Original White Negro) had several facial tics, and they competed and jousted: cheeks against eyelids in a holding pattern, gritted jaw coming around the flank.

The electric bass player is reportedly the smart one–almost five semesters at San Mateo Community College under the belt his old lady shoplifted from the Army surplus store–and he does not play like the black musicians who prefer an ostinato, instead wandering around the fretboard; sometimes like a cougar searching for prey, and sometimes like a senile pensioner searching for the house she lived in 40 years prior. The “cute” one is called Bob by men, or Bobby by girls, or WEIR! by the rest of the group: he is younger by a few years, and the Grateful Dead are all at an age when a few years matters.

And the rest! My God the hangers-on! Attendants, if you will. Burly brutes for lifting the delicate amplifiers and old ladies for fetching Cokes and skinny dudes in winklepicker shoes rolling numbers (no one calls them “joints” anymore; keep up, keep up) and engorged bikers in denim and leather–the only ones present drinking beer–and “with-it” negros and at least one nastily conspicuous newspaper reporter in a suit and tie.

Don’t forget the chickies! They are everywhere and eternally sixteen (if that); several have removed their blouses to reveal apple-dumpling breasts that remain static with the chickies’ torsos (gravity is a rumor to the chickies!) and they congregate–that is the word, congregate–beneath the “cute” one Bobby; they dance like deboned chickens in an earthquake and Bobby–WEIR!–smiles to himself and throws back his hair which is just as long if not longer than the chickies and 30 minutes, or maybe two, the band stops playing but the crowd keeps going.

The Grateful damned Dead!

It’s A Pig’s World

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“Movin’!”

Yeah?

“Groovin’!”

Sure.

“Doin’ it, y’know!”

You were the hardest working man in show business.

“Nah. The ol’ Pig was lazy as sin an’ you know it! I liked to screw an’ watch teevee!”

Nothing wrong with that.

“Me an’ Garcia met the Godfather. I ever tell you this story?”

No.

“1969. Him and us was both playin’ in New York City, so we went uptown to see him. Invited us backstage, gave us cold beers, treated us real nice. Talked to the man for twenty minutes!”

About what?

“I got no idea!”

Sounds right.

“Couldn’t unnerstand a damned word!”

I’ve heard that about James Brown.

“An’ then he fined us fifty bucks apiece.”

I’ve heard that, too.

“We tried tellin’ him that we wasn’t even in his band, but he jus’ doubled the fines on us. That man ran a tight ship!”

You guys played one of his songs.

“It’s a Man’s World. Yeah, I liked doin’ that number.”

Why didn’t you do more of James Brown’s songs?

“Heh. We ain’t got the right kinda bass player.”

Nope. Why do you have two tambourines?

“You only got one, it gets lonely.”

Oh.

Odds And Ends

How about some reading material, Enthusiasts? Collected from around the innertubes and–dare I say–curated just for you out of love, respect, friendshipliness, all that nonsense: here are places to go, stuff to watch, balls to itch, petitions to sign, and one link that, when clicked upon, will hijack your computer in order to mine Bitcoin. (And, yes, you are right to find humor in the fact that mining Bitcoin is speeding up Climate Change; that shit’s deeply funny.) Here we go:

1.

There’s a school in Palo Alto, which is the town that services Stanford University, named Jordan Middle School. This is in honor of a former Stanford president named David Starr Jordan, who was born in Upstate New York in 1851. Now, Enthusiast, your average fellow or filly born in Upstate New York in 1851 would believe a whole bunch of bullshit we’d find abhorrent today, but DSJ wasn’t average: he advocated for the betterment of the blood, and if that sounds Nazi-ish to you, it should; Hitler stole many of DSJ’s ideas about eugenics.

He also may or may not have covered up the murder of his boss’ wife, or murdered her himself.

Naturally, there’s a movement–or, actually, several competing movements–to rename the facility. Some land on the side of efficiency and cost, pointing out that since the school doesn’t bear DSJ’s full sobriquet, just his last name, it would be easy to rechristen the building after Michael Jordan or Barbara Jordan or whomever. Others want to name it after Steve Jobs; these people are assholes.

There is, thankfully, a good idea: name the school after Pigpen. The ol’ Pig–when he was just a little bitty Piglet–went to Jordan Middle, where he studied Lovin’, Juicin’, and Makin’ It With Foxes; he also smoked cigarettes under the bleachers. TotD backs this plan, obviously, as Pigpen was not (as far as we know) a rabid eugenicist.

2.

Josh has a new guitar! It looks like this:

And no matter what you think, it’s not a Strat. Sure, your eyes are telling you that it’s a Strat, but who you gonna believe: Grammy-winner and clotheshorse Josh Meyers or your eyes? Look at the headstock! Totally not a Strat. Still don’t buy it? Well, go listen to him explain how it’s not a Strat for 40 minutes.

There’s a line from Shakespeare that applies here, methinks.

3.

Hey, guess who the Dead treated like second-class citizens? Did you guess “women?” Well, good for you, smartypants.

Vox Populus

“C’mere, lemme sing you that birthday song.”

Oh, no. I hate that song.

“Nah, don’t be blamin’ the poor song! You jus’ hate gettin’ sung AT. Supposed to be sung TO!”

You got a point.

“The ol’ Pig generally does.”

You are simply the hairiest beast in the world.

“I’m gonna take that as a compliment.”

It was one.

“Way I see it: you ain’t pretty like Weir, you gotta get yourself a look! Foxes are fascinated by the strange and unusual. My bouffant is downright entrancin’ to your average fox!”

I can see that.

“Brings ’em in close, makes ’em woozy with confusion and lust! Plus, I ain’t showered for a few days, so pheromones is just pourin’ off!”

Then what?

“And then I crawl ’em!”

Nice.

“It’s like the song says: the ol’ Pig’s got the ways and means!”

You sure do.

“Happy birthday, you ol’ bastard.”

Happy deathday, you ol’ Pig.

You Be Me For A While, And I’ll Be You

Hey, Bobby. Nice potato salad.

“Thank you.”

OR

Okay, Enthusiasts: Nerd Time! This is 5/25/72 from the Strand Lyceum in London, and they’re playing Good Lovin’. How do we know this? Because Garcia is not, contrary to your first instinct, hunched over his pedal steel guitar, but covering the organ for Pig while he sings. Go listen: there’s only one guitar for the first five minutes of the tune, and the guy playing the B3 doesn’t quite know what he’s doing.

We also know that Garcia played the piano on 9/20/70 at the Fillmore East for what would turn out to be the last performance of To Lay Me Down for three years:

So: was that it or did Garcia ever play keyboards onstage other than these two times?

Cold Comfort

Goddamn, that’s an enormous hat.

“I told her that! I said, ‘Woman! You wearin’ a damn tuffet!'”

And what did she say?

“She showed me her muffet.”

Nice.

“You know the ol’ Pig sat down beside her.”

And then?

“We got it on!”

All right.

“It certainly was.”

You know, it’s Janis’ birthday today.

“Where you think she got that bottle from!?”

Makes sense.

“So, tell me: how old she woulda been?”

Today? 74.

“Stop pullin’ the ol’ Pig’s leg!”

I wouldn’t dare, buddy.

“74. Huh. That’s some mileage. My grandma ain’t even that old.”

Getting up there.

“I’m glad I didn’t have to see that. All wrinkly and withered. Bent over and whatnot. Way it all worked out was f’r the best.”

You’re a liar.

“Heh. Yeah. I thought I’d try out fibbin’. How was I at it?”

Terrible.

“Yeah. All right, get on out o’ here. We got some celebratin’ to do.”

How you gonna celebrate?

“We gonna drink and screw all damn night!”

Good plan.

“Course it is.”

Couple Of The Year

Janis’ hat is way bigger than yours, Pig.

“Ain’t the size o’ the chapeau! It’s whose head the sucker’s on!”

True. You’re all dressed up.

“Takin’ my gal out on the town! We gonna drink our wine an’ tell dirty jokes an’ get frisky with each other!”

She was the only one who could drink with you.

“Hell, naw. Anyone c’n drink with the ol’ Pig. Jan’s the only one what could keep up! Me an’ her got the same phobia.”

Which was?

“Dyin’ o’ thirst!”

Oh, was that why you drank so much?

“Gotta keep lubricated! People don’ know this ’bout Northern California, but it’s dry as dandruff up here! You could get all parched out in minutes if you ain’t careful!”

But alcohol is a dehydrant.

“Then how come it’s wet?”

Um.

“Gotcha, college boy!”

You did.

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