Tag: pope francis (Page 3 of 5)

“Hey! Look-a me! Pope’s at-a da Olympics!”

I don’t think you are, Pope Francis.

“Si, si. I make-a da joke. Is-a very diverse, this-a selfie.”

Hearteningly so.

“Jesus don’t-a care where-a you come from. He care-a where you go to.”

Well, that’s lovely, Your Holiness.

“Is-a no me. From-a some song. Maybe Stryper. You-a remember Stryper?”

Sure.

“The yellow and-a black attack. Needed less-a time praying, more-time practicing.”

Not a great band, no.

“If-a you can-a be called ‘sub-Dokken,’ then you ain’t-a no good.”

True.

“Dokken had-a da best wig in-a rock and roll.”

I had no idea you were such an aficionado of ’80’s hair metal, Pope Francis.

“Si, si. Before I was-a da priest, I was-a da bouncer.”

I heard that.

“At-a da Rainbow Bar & Grill on-a da Strip.”

That’s not true.

“Was like-a da Paul Stanley said: crazy, crazy, crazy nights.”

He did say that.

“Every night was-a da party. So much-a skank.”

I would imagine.

“And-a Lemmy at-a da corner of-a da bar. High as-a da kite and-a playing da video poker. Resquiet in pace, Lemmy.”

Amen.

“You no say-a Amen. I say-a Amen.”

Sorry.

“I-a forgive you.”

You been watching the Olympics?

“I been-a praying for-a da Rio.”

Same thing.

Hey, Pope Francis. You look bored.

“It’s-a not all waving from-a da balcony and-a meeting da movie stars.”

Taking Confession sounds like the one perk of being a priest. Get to hear all the gossip.

“No, no. Is-a boring and-a sad. People all-a da same. Everybody has-a five, six sins. Nothing fun.”

You do this often?

“Si, si. Gotta remember your-a roots. I’m-a just a priest in-a da service of Jesus.”

Yeah, but you live in a castle.

“But it ain’t mine.  I couldn’t-a sell it.”

Why do you know that?

“Whatsamattayou? How dare-a you say this about-a da Pope. I no sell-a da Vatican.”

I’m sorry, Your Holiness. I didn’t mean to imply–

“Ahhh, I got-a you. I was-a like Joe Pesci.”

In Goodfellas?

“Si. He’s-a mad, but he’s-a not mad. He’s-a just fooling around. That’s-a what I did.”

You’re a prankster pope, Pope.

“But-a Benedict rented it out on-a da Airbnb.”

What?

“The guest-a house. He turn-a it into da party central. I saw da Berlusconi one night!”

That guy shouldn’t be in the Vatican.

“Si, si. This Benedict, he’s-a half my day. Is-a like Dennis da Menace, and I’m-a da Mr. Wilson. You know-a da Vatican got-a radio station?”

I didn’t.

“And you know who got-a da drive-time slot now?”

Oh, no.

“He’s-a da shock jock. Plays-a da fart noise. He has-a da poor and-a da diseased on-a da show. He no-a minister to them and-a relieve their suffering.”

What does he do?

“He throw-a bologna at them.”

That’s Howard Stern’s bit.

“Benedict steal-a da jokes. He find-a da priest with-a da stutter. Make-a him talk.”

Oh, he’s a monster.

“Si, si. Get-a your own material.”

…

So, what’s this kid confessing?

“Whatta you think?”

Impure deeds?

“Its-a always da impure deeds.”

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I got-a da ball. I’m-a da Messi. Gonna kick-a da goal.”

You sound so excited, Your Holiness.

“And when-a I score? I’m-a gonna take off-a my cassock. Run around-a da field.”

That’s a little wild for a pope.

“Si, si. The nuns would-a get scared.”

Probably.

“You see-a da swoosh? Just-a do it? That’s-a da good advice.”

You think people should just do it?

“Si, but-a the ‘it’ should-a be devoting your life-a to Christ.”

Right. No conversation with you strays too far from Jesus, does it?

“He’s-a my guy.”

Didn’t they have a big soccer tournament recently?

“Is-a called football.”

My grandfather stormed the beach at Normandy for my right to call that socialist child’s game whatever the hell I wanted, Your Holiness. Excuse my language.

“You’re-a forgiven.”

This was a European thing, though, right? Argentina wasn’t in it?

“Argentina is-a no in Europe.”

There are some islands right off the coast that are in Europe.

“Don’t make-a me sic the Swiss-a Guards on you.”

Sorry.

“Is-a da Euro Cup. I-a root for-a Italy but they-a stunk.”

Who’s your team now?

“I root-a for Iceland. I like-a da Vikings.”

They’re scrappy.

“And they’re not-a France.”

And that. Are there any Catholics in Iceland?

“Six.”

Six?

“We-a counted. Is-a whole country of-a atheists who-a believe in-a da elves.”

And fairies.

“They love-a da fairies. And-a da Thor. Not so much-a da Jesus.”

But you’re still rooting for them.

“Who would-a Jesus cheer for David or-a Goliath?”

Good point.

“That’s why I’m-a da Pope-a.”

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a having a good-a day. Look at-a da dogs!”

You chose the right name.

“Si, si. But-a Saint Francis was-a sissy.”

…

I see what you did there.

“Is-a Pope joke. Like-a da dad joke. but about-a da theology.”

Sure. What’s with the dogs?

“They’re-a da search dogs, and-a da rescue dogs. I don’t-a know which one is-a da which. They’re-a good pups. They got-a da jobs. Unlike some-a Popes I could-a mention.”

Benedict?

“I-a give him da chance. I-a pray about it, and I talk-a to God. Still is-a no good. Something gotta give.”

How bad could he be?

“He burn-a da popcorn every day. Whole-a Vatican smell-a like da scorched garbage.”

That’s not polite.

“No, no. He run-a da phone bill up and don’t-a wanna pay.”

He runs the phone bill up?

“It’s-a da Vatican. Every call is-a da international call.”

Oh, yeah.

“He hog-a da wi-fi. I wanna watch-a da Netflix and it’s-a stuttering all-a over da place.”

What is he doing?

“He’s-a on da Twitch.”

The thing where you play a video game and people on the internet watch you do it?

“Si, si. He’s-a da gamer. Si. He’s got-a da code name and-a everything.”

Code name? Like a screen name?

“Is-a PopeOfDope69.”

Ah.

“He play-a da games, and he say-a da bad words. He talk about-a da people’s mamas!”

That’s a popular topic. Wait: do people know it’s him?

“He wear-a da outfit.”

The full kit?

“Cape-a, hat-a, throne-a.”

He plays from that big stupid throne he used to sit on?

“Si, si. He-a put in da cup holder and-a da speakers. It’s-a da gaming throne.”

That is not very Pope-like.

“It’s-a bad for-a da brand.”

Right.

“I don’t-a get the games. I was-a da young man in-a da 80’s. I had-a da Pac-Man Fever. I see-a da barrel, I hop over da barrel.”

You hung out in video arcades?

“Si, si. In-a fact, arcade was where-a I first spoke-a to da Jesus.”

Really?

“I wanted to play-a da Q-Bert, but I only had-a two quarters. So, I-a pray to da Jesus. I say, ‘Jesus, let-a me be the best-a Q-Berter in-a da world so these-a quarters will last-a da long time.’ And Jesus? He-a answer me.”

Well, what did he say?

“He-a say, ‘Schmuck, go buy-a some food with those quarters and-a feed someone.'”

That sounds like Jesus.

“Si, si.”

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a teaching about-a da water safety. Summer’s-a coming.”

Is that your life-preserver, Your Holiness?

“No, no: mine’s-a white.”

Sure.

“Gotta wear-a da life jacket. All-a da priests on-a my boat have-a to wear-a da jackets. And-a if there’s enough, the nuns-a get jackets, too.”

You have a boat?

“It’s-a da Popeboat. We load-a it up with-a da sacramental wine and have-a da booze cruise.”

Really?

“Oh, si. It’s-a tough gig. Refugees this, and-a da cripples that.”

So you take the boat out on Sundays?

“Sundays? No, no: that’s-a my crazy day. You know-a da song, Manic Monday? My Sunday is-a my have to run day.”

Gotcha.

“It’s-a not my fun day.”

I understand. Back to the Popeboat, Your Holiness.

“It’s-a nice boat. Ooh, I like-a da boat.”

Sounds like it.

“You touch-a my boat, I break you face.”

Right.

“I like-a to catch-a da fish.”

I did not know this about you.

“Love-a da fish. First, I bless-a da bait.”

Obviously.

“And then I bless-a da reel.”

Okay.

“Long-a story short: everything gets-a da blessing.”

Are you a good fisherman? Do you catch a lot of fish?

“I’m-a like-a da Ted Williams.”

That is an obscure reference, Pope Francis.

“But I don’t-a eat-a da fish! When I catch-a da fish, I throw-a him back.”

That’s nice of you.

“I give-a da fish a blessing first.”

Just like Saint Francis.

“Si, si. But it cause-a da problem with-a da Pope of Fish. He-a say I’m-a on his territory.”

There’s a Pope of Fish?

“Si, si. There’s-a da Pope of-a da everything. Pope of Fish, Pope of Greenwich Village, list-a goes on.”

If you say so.

“Last-a time out, I let-a Benedict drive-a da boat.”

How’d that go?

“Put-a da thing in a ditch.”

How is that even possible?

“That’s-a what I want-a to know! That-a fucking guy. Oh! Forgive-a da language.”

I forgive you.

“Right-a back atcha.”

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a da magician now! Look-a da bird I made!”

You didn’t make that bird.

“No, no. God, he made-a da bird. But I-a made it appear out-a da nowhere. All-a da people, they went ‘OOH’ and-a ‘AHH.’ They was-a very impressed.”

You’re serious?

“Si. I’ve-a been into magic since-a I was a little Pope.”

I did not know this.

“Oh, sure. What’s-a this behind-a you ear?”

A QUARTER!

“That’s-a da magic. You keep-a da quarter. You’re a good-a kid.”

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a doing science.”

Castle Gondolfo has a lab?

“We-a got everything here. Lab-a, pool-a, bocce courts-a.”

You got bocce courts, too?

“Si. Someone been-a pooping on them.”

That’s going around.

“I-a think Benedict is-a doing it. He’s-a bored.”

Yeah?

“He-a whine ‘I-a gotta nothing to-a do.’ You know-a what he got up-a to? Da Twitter!”

Oh, no.

“Used to be-a da Pope, now he’s-a da troll. He-a call people cucks.”

Oh, no.

“His-a avatar is-a da Trump.”

That makes a lot of sense from what I remember about the guy.

“Had to take-a his phone away. He start-a yelling about-a da First Amendment.”

I’m pretty sure the U.S. Constitution doesn’t apply to Popes.

“That’s-a what I say! So now he gotta no phone. What he do? Benedict, he goes out-a to da plaza. Take-a da picture with-a da tourist.”

Well, that sounds nice, actually.

“Then he-a shake them-a down for money.”

Wow.

“He’s-a aggressive about it, too.”

Like those guys in Times Square.

“Si. Like-a da Fake Elmo.”

Not a good look for a former Pontiff.

“Then he-a try to sell-a his mix tape.”

This is outrageous, Your Holiness.

“Si, si. Plus, I-a think he’s-a up to shenanigans.”

What do you mean?

“When-a he walk through the crowd, he-a say, ‘Doses, doses.’ You know-a what that mean?”

Um, no. No, I don’t.

“I-a check Urban Dictionary or-a something.”

You really are a Pope for 2016.

“Except-a for my core beliefs, si.”

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I got-a da bambino!”

Yeah, look at that.

“Gonna make-a him da Lil’ Pope. He’s-a gonna be my Robin.”

Popes don’t get Robins.

“Batman, he got-a da costume and he got-a da car. Just-a like me. Now I got-a da Robin, too.”

Where did his parents go?

“They still-a on Lesbos. Robins can’t-a have parents. Is-a distracting. Gonna teach-a him gymnastics and-a make him wear-a da little Pope suit.”

Your Holiness.

“He’s-a gonna be da Mini-Pope.”

Padre.

“I could-a name him after me.”

Francis?

“Pope-a, Jr.”

Please stop this. Give that child back.

“You-a know I’m-a just kidding. I brought-a da whole family back-a with me.”

Right. You went to the island of Lesbos, which is home to tens of thousands of refugees, and ended up bringing back 12 families who are going to live at the Vatican.

“Is-a cheaper by-a the dozen.”

Sure.

“I-a was gonna get a few, but-a you save so much buying in-a bulk.”

What are you going to do with these people?

“I’m-a gonna move them in right-a next to Benedict’s-a place.”

…

Did you take in refugees just to mess with Pope Benedict.

“Si.”

Nice work.

“Dominus vobiscum.”

Back atcha. Pope?

“Si?”

What was the name of the island again?

“Is-a called Lesbos.”

And someone from there would be called?

“I-a see what-a you doing. Stop-a that.”

Sorry, Pope.

“I-a forgive you.”