• It is a good bet that no president has shaved his testicles; if anyone was going to, it would have been JFK, but it wasn’t the style back then.
  • Franklin Pierce was terrified of railroads, the French, and the number six-and-a-half.
  • The eight presidents that owned slaves weren’t racist, just economically anxious.
  • As I mentioned in the little song parody, Millard Fillmore once ate an entire badger in one sitting to win a bet with his Secretary of State, Daniel Webster.
  • In a drunken stupor late one night, Richard Nixon issued an Executive Order declaring that the Finger Lakes didn’t exist.
  • Only one president could dunk a basketball, and holy shit are you a racist for thinking it’s Obama. (Obama couldn’t dunk with a ladder; he shoots old-man fadeaway jumpers and throws elbows. It’s Lincoln; he was known as freakishly strong athlete, and he had hands the size of Cadillacs. Lincoln could absolutely dunk a basketball, but the game had not been invented yet.)
  • When Teddy Roosevelt said that the presidency was a “bully pulpit,” he didn’t mean a position with which to force action with; to TR, “bully” meant “”outstanding”
  • This means that if Teddy Roosevelt was a millennial he would have said the presidency was a “lit pulpit.”
  • The “S” in Harry S Truman stands for “Suck My Balls, Hirohito.”
  • Blaming it on the previous administrations was more complicated for Grover Cleveland than for other presidents.
  • Thomas Jefferson owned the first Koran in America.
  • His opponents were all, “Tommy’s a Musselman.”
  • And he was like, “Nuh-uh.”
  • So the opponents went, “Let’s see your birth certificate.”
  • And Jefferson goes, “Birth certificate? It’s the year 1800. Those don’t exist.”
  • The conversation went on in that fashion for quite some time.
  • In addition to being president, Calvin Coolidge founded the company that sells Friskies cat food.
  • Richard Nixon has been haunting the White House since his death in 1994; he and Ghost Lincoln do not get along.
  • Maybe–maybe–five of them have been decent, thoughtful human beings; the rest: monsters, criminals, fools, drunks, and the current thing.
  • If FDR were alive today, he would be 137 and deeply disappointed in us.
  • George Washington didn’t have children because he wished to sever the werewolf bloodline. (George Washington was a werewolf.)
  • Gerald Ford liked to be called “Jerry,” unless you were his dominatrix, in which case he liked to be called “Shit Boy.”