There’s so much herpes in this photograph.

“That’s rude.”

And so many different strains, too. Herpes simplex, herpes complex, herpes duplex.

“Stop it.”

Herpes suplex. That’ll fuck you up.

“You’re being a dick.”

You’re right. I apologize, Robert Englund.

…

“What about me and Jenna?”

Nah. She turned into a Nazi and you’re you. Plus: both of you are absolutely riddled with herpes. When are you?

“2008, I think.”

Yeah, this is before she fucked her face up.

“This is you being a complete douchebag.”

She can’t hear me.

“Why not?”

Because her head just exploded.

KA-PLAMP!

“Dude!”

I love having my own universe.

“Not cool! And very misogynistic!”

You’re right.

KA-PLAMP!

“Freddie!”

There. Now we’re even.

“I loathe you.”

I know.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Y’know what? I’m glad to take it. Literally anyone is better than you.”

…

“You’re on with John.”

“Johnny! It’s Big Mo here!”

“Okay, not literally anyone.”

“How’s my bro? You fucking? I’m fucking like crazy over here. You fucking?”

“I’m fucking.”

“Not like me, bro. I know you fuck. Bro, I know you fuck.”

…

“But not like I fuck.”

“What is it that you want?”

“Bro, I need some good press. I want you to come over here and organize a benefit concert. Like Live Aid.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I need a Geldof, bro. Be my Geldof.”

“I will not be your Geldof.”

“You come, you bring some good-time buddies, maybe Timberlake. You play a little, talk about how wonderful I am, maybe mention how Khashoggi was best friends with Osama bin Laden–”

“That is fake news.”

“–and you close with a Hey Jude all-star jam. Bro, there’s never been an all-star jam in the Kingdom before. You’d be inducted into the Saudi Arabian Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.”

“That exists?”

“It might. I could make it happen.”

“No. Hard pass.”

“I give you cars.”

“No.”

“Planes.”

“No.”

“Motorcycles.”

“No.”

“I give you one dozen of every vehicle. Buses, hovercrafts, bicycles that five or six people sit on, the works.”

“NO. I am not producing a benefit concert in Riyadh to bolster your image right now.”

“Fine. Do you have Ye’s number?”

“Oh, yeah, he’d probably do it. I’ll text it to you.”

“My bro fucks so hard!”