Thoughts On The Dead

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Tag: rudy giuliani

A Partial Transcript Of The Michigan Voter Fraud Hearing, 12/2/20

December 3, 2020 / / 10 Comments

“Against this committee’s better judgement, and in the vain hope that if we just let you idiots bray for a while you’ll tire yourselves out, we will continue with the testimony of Melissa Carone. Miss Carone, you say that you worked for Dominion Voting Systems.”

“Yeah, I worked that shit. I put my thing down, flipped it, and reversed it.”

“Oh, great. You’re in the same mood as when we took a break.”

“Your head looks like a penis. And not a good penis. There are good penises! But not your head.”

“Knock that off.”

“I bet your penis-head is responsible at least 50,000 fake votes.”

“How?”

“Treachery!”

“Ma’am, I’m gonna plow through. You say you worked for Dominion, but have produced no evidence of that assertion.”

“Because I worked under the table. That company is super-shady, y’all.”

“So you worked for the company…secretly?”

“Yuh-huh.”

“Why?”

“Ask Affy David.”

“Who?”

“I talked to him about everything. Affy David. And I signed something.”

…

“Are you referring to an affidavit?”

“No, I don’t like foreign food.”

“Ma’am–”

“I’m gonna stick my head all the way in my purse for a sec. Do not speculate. It’s just a thing I do.”

LOONEY-BIRD DIVING INTO HER POCKETBOOK AND GUZZLING FROM A FLASK NOISE

“Mr. Giuliani, you used to be the Mayor of New York City, right?”

“I was.”

“Thought so.”

WACKADOODLE REEMERGING FROM HER HANDBAG NOISE

“I’m back! What was Fidel Castro up to while I was gone?”

“Nothing. He died years ago.”

“That’s what they want you to think. Not-President Hussein Obama keeps him alive with transfusions of communist blood.”

“No.”

“That’s why blood’s red.”

“Nope.”

“Somewhere from 3 to 85 million votes were illegally placed by Richard Simmons.”

“How did he become a part of this?”

“It’s all a part of this! Representative Jermajesty–”

“Johnson.”

“–you must reveal the Codex of Publius!”

“The what now?”

“The names! The names have been scrivened!”

“Scrivened?”

“The Democronomicon!”

…

…

…

“Are you talking about the poll book?”

“Yes, but I’m not being common about it.”

“Ma’am, the poll book is a matter of public record and available for any citizen to view.”

“You’ve clearly enchanted it with a Glamour Spell.”

“Please leave the occult out of this. People are already worked up enough without bringing dark magicks into it.”

“Representative Jamband–”

“Johnson. It’s one of the easiest names there is.”

“–I follow the truth. If the truth goes to, like, a forest then I go to a forest. That’s who I am. I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it.”

“You’ve mentioned that.”

“Not enough! Hey, Penis-head, quick question.”

“Johnson. Hell, call me Steve.”

“Just between you and me…you know a guy?”

“Wha?”

“Mama’s had a bit too much purse and needs to put some pocket on top of it.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“Never been more serious. Don’t you have a cool nephew or something?”

“I’m just gonna pretend I don’t understand what you’re asking me.”

“I want–”

“Stop talking.”

“–some co–”

“Please shut up.”

“–caine.”

GAVEL NOISE!

“We’re done.”

“Censorship!”

“Nope.”

A Partial Transcript Of Chris Cuomo’s Interview With Rudy Giuliani, 9/19/19

September 20, 2019 / / 1 Comment

“Good evening, you’re watching CNN. I’m Chris Cuomo, and I’m the Eli Manning of my family. Tonight, we are joined by President Donald Trump’s personal lawyer, the former Mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani.”

“I loved your father, Chris.”

“You always mention that.”

“Fuck your brother.”

“You always say that, too. Rudy, disturbing allegations are coming out about this whistleblower’s report. To recap: a member of the Intelligence Community claimed whistleblower status in detailing an alleged abuse of power by the President. This report, however, has not been shared with Congress at the order of the Acting DNI. This is in direct violation of the law.”

“Law, shmaw.”

“No”

“Anything the President does is legal. And classy. Legal and classy, unlike Hillary Clinton. She is a criminal, and she’s very tacky.”

“Rudy.”

“And a whore. Tacky whore.”

“Hey! We’re not going to do that again. I told you after your last appearance.”

“She takes money for sex! Chris, she takes money for sex. What would you call that?”

“Stop it. Just stop it. There are now multiple sources claiming that the nation involved was Ukraine. You have been trying to link Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, to improprieties in Ukraine for a while now. Does this have anything to do with that?”

“Absolutely not.”

“No?”

“Yes, it does.”

“That was quick.”

“The fact is that Hunter Biden eats children.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Savagely. Tears right through them. Goes for the pancreas first. Sick son of a bitch calls it ‘sweetbreads.’ That’s what Hunter Biden got up to while he was in Ukraine. Which CNN doesn’t want to report.”

“Because it didn’t happen.”

“That’s what needs investigating! There’s been no inquiry at all into the youthful, foreign cannibalism. The boy went wrong at some point, probably due to his father being a socialist, and he started eating children. All we were doing was trying to get to the truth.”

“Rudy.”

“And justice. Justice for those children. Little, uh, Bababooey or whatever.”

“Rudy.”

“I don’t know what Ukrainians name their children. Something stupid, I’m sure.”

…

“Love vodka.”

“The Ukrainians?”

“Them, too.”

“Rudy, did the President talk to the Ukrainian President about coming up with dirt on his political rivals?”

“The President talks to a lot of people about a lot of things! Baseball. He loves talking baseball. Pussy. The man loves talking pussy. We talk about you sometimes. He’s not a fan.”

“But what did he speak to the Ukrainian leader about?”

“The injustice. Have you seen the black unemployment figures?”

“This is not about–”

“Many more working blacks. When Donald Trump is President, blacks work. Virtually every black has a job.”

“–the black unemployment figures. Did the President promise a foreign leader something in return for dirt on political enemies?”

“Of course!”

“Of course?”

“Chris, you need to grow up. This is how politics work. One hand washes the other. But sometimes, the second hand doesn’t wash back, it sells the first hand $500 million in arms.”

“So, the President promised the Ukraine arms in exchange for information that would damage Joe Biden?”

“He can! That’s in the Constitution.”

“Not at all. It is a stunningly impeachable offense. Almost laughably impeachable.”

“Chris, You know I was at your Confirmation.”

“I do, Rudy.”

“You’re still a little bitch.”

“I told you to stop that. Did the President–”

“I did it.”

“What?”

“I was the one who made the offer to the Ukrainians. I did it on the President’s instructions.”

“Then that’s the same thing as him doing it.”

“Really?”

“Legally, yeah.”

“Okay. Then, I did it on the President’s behalf.”

“What’s the difference?”

“He didn’t know.”

“You–Rudy Guiliani–negotiated an arms deal with Ukraine without the President’s knowledge?”

“I do a lot of stuff like that. Sometimes I sign documents for him. I authorized three commando raids this month alone. The papers were just sitting there, so I faked his signature, and boom: dead terrorists. Or American troops. Dead someone, anyway.”

“When was the President informed of your actions?”

“Well, I would assume he’s watching now. Hey, boss!”

“We’ll be right back.”

 

 

I’m not making this up:

You saw that, right?

 

A Partial Transcript Of Meet The Press, 8/19/18

August 20, 2018 / / 1 Comment

“Good morning. It’s Sunday. This is Meet The Press.”

SELF-IMPORTANT BRASS FANFARE NOISE

“Thank you for joining us. My name is Chuck Todd and today our guest is the former mayor of New York City and current member of President Trump’s legal team, Rudy Giuliani.”

“Member is your word, Chuck. ‘Member of the legal team’ is your phrase, and I didn’t say it.”

“You are one of the president’s attorneys, correct?”

“I practice law and Donald Trump is the president, yes.”

“Those two clauses were unrelated.”

“Chuck, I won’t be harassed. The point I’m trying to make is everyone’s a lawyer and everyone’s the president and Hillary Clinton should be summarily executed.”

“Mr. Giuliani, let’s get to the news of the day. The New York Times is reporting that White House Counsel Don McGahn has been cooperating with special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation, providing inside information about possible obstruction of justice regarding the firing of James Comey.”

“Justice can’t be obstructed, Chuck. It rolls along. Like the Mississippi.”

“Justice can absolutely be obstructed, Mr, Giuliani.”

“OL’ MAAAAAAAN RIIIIIIBBAH! YOU JUS’ KEEP ROLLIN’!”

“Yes, we know the song.”

“It’s a fine one, even though it was sung by a Communist. Chuck, the issue at hand here is that Robert Mueller–if that’s his real name–is engaged in a witch hunt that threatens our nation. President Trump has been distracted from his agenda of making America great, and that’s the shame here.”

“Uh-huh. Mr. Giuliani, do you know what Mr. McGahn said to the special counsel’s office?”

“I assume they discussed politics.”

“Can you be more specific?”

“Current events?”

“So, you don’t actually know what was discussed in those meetings?”

“I know that McGahn was strong. His strength is a given. I once saw him pick up a refrigerator and move it across the room. No one helped! All by himself, and I’m not talking about one of those little dorm fridges. Full-size job. That strength carries over into his lawyering.”

“Again: you don’t know what the White House counsel said to the prosecutor?”

“I know the gist. People underestimate the power of the gist. I know the gist.”

“Let’s move on. Will the president be sitting down for an interview with Robert Mueller?”

“The president wants to. Very badly. He’s done nothing wrong, so he wants to clear his good name. Have you heard about black unemployment?”

“Will he or won’t he?”

“Well, Chuck, the problem is that Roberto Mueller–”

“His name is not Roberto.”

“–is operating a bad faith operation. Lot of operating going on over there. And what we anticipate is that he will try to lure the president into a perjury trap.”

“A perjury trap?”

“Mm-hmm. A perjury trap.”

“Couldn’t that be avoided simply by telling the truth?”

“Whose truth, Chuck? Which truth are we using as the metric?”

“The truth. There’s only one truth.”

“Chuck, that’s reductive. Have you ever seen Rashomon?”

“Please don’t bring Rashomon into this.”

“I must! We’re all Japanese peasants witnessing a rape and murder at this point. The truth has become scattered, like sugar a child has spilled on the kitchen floor.”

“What?”

“Truth is beauty, and beauty is truth, and never the twain shall meet.”

“That’s not how that goes in the slightest.”

“Truth is like a sharknado.”

“Nothing is like a sharknado, Mr. Giuliani.”

“Just nice to see Ian Ziering working. Hollywood didn’t give him the chance his talent deserved.”

“Changing subjects, who do you think leaked the information about Don McGahn to the Times?”

“No one had to leak it. Maggie Haberman has been camped out in the West Wing for months. At this point, she’s family. President Trump calls her Jewish Ivanka.”

“Maggie Haberman is not Jewish.”

“All journalists are Jewish, Chuck.”

“I’m just gonna throw it to commercial now.”

“Thank God. I’m almost out of scotch.”

“When we return, I’ll ask some more middling-ass questions without follow-ups while the republic crumbles. If it’s Sunday, it’s Meet The Press.”

SELF-IMPORTANT BRASS FANFARE NOISE

A Partial Transcript Of CNN’s New Day, 7/31/18

July 31, 2018 / / 1 Comment

“Good afternoon, and welcome to New Day. I’m Alisyn Camerota, and yes I really do spell my first name like that. With me today is former Mayor of New York and current counsel to the president Rudy Giuliani. My staff tells me you’ve had six espressos.”

“Three of those were doubles. Let’s do this.”

“Mr. Giuliani, the President is having a rough week legally speaking. It turns out that his former lawyer Michael Cohen was making tape recordings of his phone conversations with President Trump.”

“Allegedly. He was allegedly making tapes, because Michael Cohen is a diabolical person who may very well be faking everything. All this time, he may have been a fake lawyer. I have a feeling many people will be exposed as fake lawyers before this is over.”

“Are you saying the tapes aren’t real?”

“Maybe I am, but what if I’m not? That’s a principle you need to keep in mind with this President. He might be joking. You always need to remember that. So when he says to James Comey, ‘I hope you can drop the Russia thing,’ he may not have been serious.

“Was he?”

“Of course not! And therefore it couldn’t have been a crime, because of the legal precedent of It’s not collusion if you’re kidding.”

“That is not held law in this country, sir.”

“Most likely, the tapes are doctored in some way. I don’t mean to denigrate Michael Cohen because I’ve known the man for years, I’ve met his lovely family, but he’s the slimiest piece of shit that ever lived. Michael Cohen would cut a baby open if he heard there was a nickel inside. You know why he went into the cab business, right?”

“I don’t, no.”

“So he could drive around undetected and have his relations. Sometimes murder. Sometimes, he would murder the boys.”

“Sir, I am not going to let you spread disgusting and clearly untrue rumors like that on my show.”

“You’re right. I went too far and I apologize to all the parents of the young prostitute boys that Michael Cohen fornicated with and then maybe strangled.”

“Stop it!”

“Is it syphilis? What could drive a man to betray his country in such a way? Teddy Roosevelt said something about this: A good American supports his President through thick and thin.”

“No. Teddy Roosevelt said the exact opposite thing.”

“Michael Cohen may, when this is over, go down as one of history’s greatest villains. Maybe worse than Hitler! I don’t know just yet, but he’s getting there. President Trump employs this man and trusts this man, or never met him before. Either one, whichever. The point is: he is a betrayer of the United States. I don’t understand how a man could act this way unless…oh, no.”

“Mr. Giuliani?”

“Maybe Michael Cohen was the one colluding with the Russians all along!”

“Oh, God.”

“Well, why isn’t Bob Mueller looking into that? Why isn’t he looking into Hillary’s e-mails? Why isn’t he looking into who leaked the Pentagon Papers? Why won’t he be a man and admit to the world, ‘Yes, I lied about all of this collusion nonsense and President Trump is the legitimate President’ and then maybe do that thing the Japanese do with the sword.”

“Hara-kiri?”

“Sure, sure, yeah. On teevee. Or the internet, whichever they do nowadays.”

“You’re suggesting that the Special Counsel appear on live television to apologize and then ritually disembowel himself?”

“I didn’t suggest that. I asked why it hasn’t happened. Completely different.”

“Not much.”

“Another one where you say, ‘Why are they doing this?’ And maybe again you have to wonder–”

“Don’t say it–”

“–if Bob Mueller’s the one colluding with the Russians.”

“Yuh-huh. Mr. Giuliani, your contention is that practically everyone in the country was colluding with Russia except President Trump.”

“Hell of a thing!”

“It is.”

“And even if the President was colluding with Russia, he was doing it with America’s best interest in mind. And that’s not a crime.”

“It is.”

“Collusion is not a crime.”

“No, but conspiring with a foreign power to influence an election is.”

“Oh, well, yes, but that’s not a crime. I mean, it’s a ‘crime,’ but it’s not a crime.”

“I don’t understand.”

“What happened wasn’t a crime, it was a ‘crime.'”

“The finger-quotes around the word crime don’t actually alter the word’s meaning, Mr. Giuliani.”

“Who’s the lawyer here?”

“Sir, are you admitting that collusion did take place?”

“Sure! There’s all sorts of collusion. We’re colluding right now. The cameramen are colluding with us. It’s great. Collusion is what America was founded on.”

“Collusion with the Russians?”

“Friends of ours in World War II. Can’t deny that. Basically the same people nowadays. They keep their stock pure, so their collective personality remains constant throughout the decades. Russians are good folks. You know what? Not colluding with them would be the crime! What do you think of that?”

“I don’t know what to think about anything anymore. Once again: you are legitimately the President’s lawyer?”

“Oh, yeah. Alisyn, I need another cup of coffee.”

“Sure.”

“And make it a Fine Girl.”

“Huh?”

“Pour some brandy in it.”

“I’m Alisyn Camerota and this is CNN’s New Day. We’ll be back after this commercial for reverse mortgages starring Henry Winkler.

The Stacks

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