Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: salon

As Always, The World Conspires Against Me

Ah, Salon. My old nemesis. Lord, how I hate thee. Who is your audience, Salon, People who don’t quite understand The Atlantic? Why must you print shit like this:

In June of last year, with less than a week’s notice, my husband Paul and I scrapped our plans to go to Europe for our summer vacation and decided instead to follow the Dead for their entire West Coast tour (and some of the East Coast too). Over the next few weeks, we drove 4,000 miles in a rented truck, slept in 14 different places, ate at truck stops, and saw about a dozen Dead & Company shows.

Before we left, I was at a particularly low point — feeling alienated and broken by the destructive and seemingly relentless attacks and fights in my professional world — and in the world more broadly. It was my Australian husband, to whom the Dead was an entirely new experience, who suggested: “Let’s do what we know makes you happy — see as many Dead shows as we can.” It wasn’t meant to be life-changing; it was meant to be an escape. From myself. From the world. We’d go back in time to my carefree Deadhead days. But not long into the journey, I realized that I wasn’t escaping myself; I was returning to myself. I was going right back home. Right back to my roots. Right back to the things that have always been and will always remain my core values and beliefs and passions.

The things I feared were frivolous during my young Deadhead days, I began to understand in an entirely different way. They’re the very things I study, write and teach about: presence, listening, generosity, trust, authentic self-expression. The building blocks of healthy human interactions, cultures and communities. The things that we now know, through abundant scientific research, lead people and societies to thrive. – Communing with the Dead, Amy Cuddy

That’s it, I can’t take it, I’m making an official proclamation: NO ONE BUT ME IS ALLOWED TO WRITE ABOUT THE GRATEFUL DEAD ANY MORE. Or maybe people can but they need permission. Whichever. This can’t happen again.

Why, Salon? Why inflict this on a world already suffering and broken, and why pay for it? Whatever you gave Amy, I’ll take twenty bucks less. I’ll give you some blather about community and gentle hugs from fat guys or whatever the fuck she’s on about.

OH, and guess what the “relentless attacks and fights” were over? Amy Cuddy is a dirty, dirty P-hacker, and no righteous soul should abide her presence. (Her crime was making shit up in a field–social psychology–that is 100% made-up shit. They call it psychology so you’ll think it’s a real science like biology, but all that shit’s made-up shit. So: she did it, but so did everyone else.)

What has become of the fanbase, Enthusiast? We’re picking up the whiff of delinquence here. Neo-Fascist political operatives, academic grifters, silicon valley draculas…I weep for the state of us.

Oh for fuck’s sake:

When I look at all of this from 30,000 feet, I can’t help but wonder: Are we all in a moment of greater need of community? Of hometowns? Of bounteous presence? Does this help to explain why the Dead are selling out shows and booking the largest venues every single year, an unusual accomplishment for any band? And does it help to explain why these talented musicians — each of whom could be enjoying the glory of solo shows — have instead come together to build this new home?

She wrote it on the plane ride home. She literally wrote it–

I’m just so tired.

Salon-Shaming

IMG_4189(1)

It wouldn’t be a Monday without Salon making me want to set the world on fire. I won’t link to this ridiculous article with its insipid and pointless argument, but you’re free to seek it out in the same way people are allowed to summon the Abandoned Gods: no one’s going to stop you, but the journey will surely end in someone hanging from a motel ceiling without their skin.

There can be no vegetarians, the author insists, because plants ingest animal matter in the form of nitrates and whatnot in the soil. These nitrates and whatnot got into the soil via poop, and decaying bugs and squirrels; therefore, the soil is made out of animals and also therefore the plants are made of animals.

Wherefore? The transitive property, the author explains. Not the transitive property you read about in high school biology, because there isn’t one: the property applies to math, not to living beings. To argue the transitive property about ecology is to insist upon a lunatic essentialism: that food maintains its former “self” even after being broken down into basic components and integrated into a new biological unit.

Lunch does not remain lunch after being eaten: it becomes energy, waste, and replacement parts. Using this author’s misapplied “transitivity of eating,” though, you are reading my lunch. My body converted it into glucose to power my brain and electrical charges to move my fingers and heuristic memory algorithms to make coffee, which gives me the willpower to use my brain and fingers. But–using the transitivity of eating–it’s all just a leftover pork chop.

(I suppose no one made the counter-argument to this guy that–using his theory–carnivores are actually ruminants. And then followed up by asking if he’s actually seriously honestly making the case that ‘you are what you eat?'”)

Ah, well. It’s not like he doubles down on the dumb later in the article.

Privileging organic matter strikes me as a biologist’s bias. 

For fuck’s sake.

Residents Of The Problem Attic, According To Salon

  • Heterosexuals.
  • The wrong kind of homosexuals.
  • Americans.
  • The NFL.
  • Hillary Clinton.
  • The lactose tolerant.
  • Conventionally attractive women.
  • People who perpetuate the myth of conventional attractivity.
  • Porn watchers, but not porn makers.
  • The cis-gendered.
  • Also, people who do not know what “cis-gendered” means; they are not woke.
  • Fat-shamers.
  • Slut-shamers.
  • Nut-shamers. (These are people who yell at almonds.)
  • If you don’t like the musical Hamilton, then Salon will come to your house and fuck your pets.
  • Cultural appropriators.
  • People who don’t want to eat bugs.

The Latest From Salon

Besides another helping of Camille Paglia’s sexual power fantasies disguised as cultural criticism, my favorite website chucked this half-baked bullshit onto the innertubes today, in which the Dead are measured by the metric of what Pitchfork thinks of them.

And, y’know: I tried. Looked through the writer’s Twitter playing the “YEAH? WHO’S YOUR FAVORITE BAND?” game. Lost interest in that, even though it seems to be XTC. Then I read the post three or four times: I was gonna do some rebutting, dagnabbit. Couldn’t bring myself to: the whole thing’s just a rewritten press release, some links to better writing, and then some sentences that, while proximate, don’t have much to do with one another.

If you don’t want to give Salon the clicks, then here’s the TL;DR: “Bands I have been told are cool think a band I have been told was not cool is now cool. How problematic is this?”

Recent Salon Headlines

  • “White People’s Fault: Everything? Or Just Almost Everything?”
  • “Why ‘Prayers’ in ‘Our Thoughts and Prayers’ means ‘Christian prayers’: The Imperialism of Condolences.”
  • “Ted Cruz’ Speech About the Bombing was Worse Than the Actual Bombing.”
  • “And So Was Hillary’s, but Bernie Still Can’t Win.”
  • “Who’s Really the Terrorist, the Bomber or the Bombed?”
  • “Waffles are Cultural Appropriation: The Movement to Boycott, Divest, and Sanction IHOP.”
  • “Posting a Picture of Tintin Makes you Worse than David Duke.”
  • “Let’s Discuss Infanticide Reasonably.”
  • “Heterosexuals are Less Moral than Homosexuals, Who are Not as Good as Transgendered Heroes.”
  • “Jackée Robinson: Why it’s Time for a Female Major League Baseball Player.”

My Two Favorite Websites Examine The Grateful Dead

Salon

  • China Cat Sunflower And The Burden Of Being The “Good” Minority.
  • Why Black Muddy River Is About Fracking.
  • Does Brown-Eyed Women Iris-Shame?
  • Victim Or The Crime: In Defense Of The Multi-Faceted Narrative of Beyoncé’s Formation.
  • Problem Attics of My Life: What We Talk About When Talk About The Grateful Dead Without Being Copy-Edited.
  • One More Saturday Night And Weekend Privilege: Why You’re Racist Towards Tuesday.
  • Blues For Allah: Orientalism At Its Inscrutablest.

(Okay, the last one’s kinda right.)

Slate

  • Nothing Was Actually Shaking On Shakedown Street (And We Have The Video To Prove It).
  • Garcia’s Beard Was Really The Worst In The Band.
  • The Music Stopped.
  • Felt Good To Give August West That Dime? Turns Out You’re Hurting Him.
  • Sorry To Break It To You, But Minds Can’t Leave Bodies.
  • U.S. Blues Was The Best Encore – Here’s Why.