“Folks and those who do not identify as folks, can I have your attention? Turn your brave and rebellious hearts towards me, please. Can I get a sparklefingers?”

MASS SPARKLEFINGER NOISE

“Groovy. There are those of you who are new to the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, and we have some old hands. I thought maybe I would speak about what’s going on, and what we’re all expecting of one another. This is a new experiment in living, and there are bound to be some bumps along the road.

“First of all, even though we have liberated the cop’s precinct building for the people, we need to stay out of the armory and evidence room. Everything in the armory is incredibly dangerous, and you just gotta understand that they’re gonna bust you for stealing heroin. There’s a shot this ends peacefully with a deal for all of us to plead to, like, trespassing or something, but if you get caught with a kilo of horse labeled EVIDENCE, you’re getting screwed.

“Going back to my point about the armory, I must ask the anarchists to stop hucking flashbang grenades into the farmer’s market. That’s not anarchy, that’s chaos. Not the same thing.

“I also need to ask the hypersyndicalists to stop trying to explain their political positions. You’re just giving everyone headaches.

“Let me bring everyone up to date on the plans for the precinct. We are, of course, planning on repurposing this hall of horrors into a playground for the people, and all ideas are being accepted. I can, however, tell you that it’s not gonna be a water park. We have neither the funds nor the engineering know-how necessary to turn a police HQ into a Roaring Rapids. Please stop filling up the Suggestion Box with that.

“Also, the Manifesto Committee has tentatively scheduled a possible agreement on the concepts (but NOT the language) of the preliminary draft (which is NOT the first draft) of an outline for our platform. So, that’s moving forward. Can I get a sparklefingers?”

MASS SPARKLEFINGER NOISE

“Righteous. Let’s just do a little housekeeping now. Oh, speaking of housekeeping: I’m gonna need the anarchists to stop taking doodies in the street. Again: that is not anarchic behavior. Anarchy is an entire belief system. ‘Fucking mad shit up’ is only a very small part of it. Do better, anarchists.

“There is a minor warlord situation developing on the west side.

“I’ve been getting reports of co-op members denouncing one another as counter-revolutionaries, and it’s waaaaaaay too soon for that. We’re at least a month from ideological purges. I’m also getting reports of people accusing each other of being werewolfs, and it’s never gonna be time for that. Just knock it off.

“The Negotiation Committee has reached out to the UN for official recognition. So far, the only country that has called back has been Russia. They actually called back immediately. Incredibly supportive!

“Finally, tonight’s movie is 1984’s sexy mermaid romp Splash. See a young Tom Hanks charm the tail off Daryl Hannah, aided by the sweetly hilarious John Candy. An overlooked classic of the 80’s, Splash has the romance adults crave and the kooky antics the kids demand. Take a dive into comedy with Splash! The showing has been moved to the east side due to the warlord thing. Can I get a sparklefingers?”

MASS SPARKLEFINGER NOISE

“Super-duper.”