Ah, shit. Hey, Shane Gillis, gently-talented comedian who was hired and fired from SNL over the course of a weekend when it came to light that you were a racist hack.

“Oh, I suppose you’re another SJW who got offended at my boundary-pushing humor?”

No, you’re just boring.

“Wow. Here’s some virtue-signalling from a fake woke fag.”

Fag?

“When I say ‘fag,’ I don’t mean ‘gay.’ I mean someone who’s weak and pathetic.”

That’s kinda worse.

“You just don’t get comedy, man. If Bill Hicks were alive today, he’d be on my side.”

I dunno about that. Kinison would be backing you, that’s for sure.

“This is what Cancel Culture gets us: Hannah Gadsby specials 24 hours a day.”

Shane, what if I told you that it was possible to think you were a mediocre comic and a sloppy thinker AND that Hannah Gadsby isn’t funny?

…

“No, it’s one or the other.”

Sure.

“I feel bad for SNL. I had so many good characters I was gonna bring to the show.”

Such as?

“Suk Yoo Long”

I think I see where this is going.

“See, he’s a Chinese guy…but he’s gay.”

Uh-huh.

“He takes your dick out with chopsticks! And then he’s like I rike to rick your rorripop! It’s satire.”

It is not.

“It’s a lot funnier when you can see the face I’m making.”

Are you squinting?

“So hard! I can barely see! Maybe that’s why–”

Bad drivers.

“–they’re such bad drivers! That’s A+ material right there. Better than anything Leslie Jones ever came up with.”

Weird you would choose her as an example.

“Or Finesse Mitchell, Danitra Vance, or Garrett Morris.”

Wow.

“Or Charles Rocket.”

I’ll give you Charles Rocket.

“I can do impressions, too.”

Yeah? Let’s hear one.

“Okay, this is Barack Obama. Now looky here–“

STOP THAT.

“Again: it’s satire.”

Again: it’s not.

“Joe Rogan wants me on his show.”

I’m sure he does.

“You’re gonna be sorry. You’re all gonna be–”

BANG!

…

Shane?

“Nah, I shot that cracker.”

No great loss. Hi, Mr. Davis.

“Motherfucker got a babyhead. I don’t like that. Makes me uncomfortable.”

Sorry.

“Wasn’t funny, neither. Get Richard Pryor to do your little skits. That n—-r makes me laugh. Or that other motherfucker. Who’s the skinny white boy with the beard always talkin’ about drugs and words and shit?”

George Carlin.

“He’s all right. Or we could just watch Keith Jarrett make his spaz faces. That shit’s funny, too.”

You’re never wrong, Mr. Davis.

“I fuckin’ know that.”