Dude, Come Check out this Fucked-up Shark A full hour of stupid-looking sharks swimming around like ugly morons. No great whites or threshers or even hammerheads: we’re talking total mutants here. Some of them are from the deep sea, where looks don’t matter so much, and others look like shit that got hit by a truck for no reason. Real goofy: some of ’em got their eyes pointed in different directions, all sorts of shit. You will call your buddies in to see these freaks, trust us. HOSTED BY: Keegan Michael Key.

Bear Versus Shark You’re thinking it’s going to be Bear Grylls. You’re wrong: we’re throwing a bear into a pool with a bull shark and taping it for your entertainment. We had to go to Yemen to shoot it, but we did and now you can watch it. Also, remember when you thought we meant Bear Grylls? WE DID. That outdoorsy fucker is getting tossed into the pool to fight the winner. You’ll never guess what happens! HOSTED BY: James Gunn There is no host.

Shark-Throwin’ with Minor Marvel Stars! In a parking lot in Toluca Lake, the guy who plays Doctor Strange’s buddy Wong has a cow shark tossed at his chest. We get the brunette who plays Leather Jacket Girl on Netflix, like, four times. She comes out of her house in the morning: boom, leopard shark to the face! And that tends to discombobulate a soul, so we managed to get away and set up at the coffee shop we knew she was going to because she always goes there. (We have been stalking her.) So, she gets out of her car and WHAP goblin shark gets her and, you know, the goblin shark is an unattractive shark to have thrown at you so we again have time to get away. Long story shot, we assaulted the woman with predatory fish for an entire day, most likely giving her PTSD. She was very traumatized. Except for the last one. She was just numb for that one. We threw a silvertip at her. Nothing. Just bounced off. Didn’t even blink. I think we fucked that girl up. We also rigged up a cannon to shoot sawsharks, and then used it to shoot sawsharks at Jon Favreau.

Andy Dick Molests Sharks He begged. His agents and his managers and him personally. Begged. Please let me do this show and try to rehabilitate my image. I love sharks, Andy said. I’m a big environmentalist and I know I’ve fucked up, but I’m a good person at heart. He said this to us. His agents and managers said this to us. We chose to believe their sincerity. Not ten minutes after putting on his wetsuit, Andy was rubbing his genitals on passing nurse sharks. Shortly thereafter, he verbally attacked a reef shark with a racial ferocity no one on the crew had ever heard before. But we spent a ton of money on the boats and the cameras, so here’s the nightmare. (Watch for the segment in which Andy, having tired of molesting sharks, attempts to molest the camera operators to the point of being locked up in the cage for the rest of the day.)

Great White Botherin’ See the great white over there? He’s mostly gray, but we call him a great white. Gets up to twenty feet long. Spectacular creature. It rushes its prey. Patrols a hundred feet below the surface and then SHOOTS upwards at sixty mph. Launches itself right out of the water, hopefully with a seal in its mouth. Perfectly shaped. Massively muscled. Ancient and violent. Let’s go poke it with a stick and see what it does. HOSTED BY: Larry the Cable Guy. (But not in his Larry the Cable Guy persona. Everyone in the crew thought he was waiting for the cameras to roll to turn it on, but he didn’t; he just acted like himself. It was weird. There were several moments that were rife for a “Get ‘er done!” But he never said it, and daylight’s wasting, so one of the divers says “Are you gonna do the Cable Guy thing?” And Larry keened. That’s the only word for it. Just, like, a sound made out of razors. I can’t explain it any better than that. But then he took out his dick and starts pissing. And one of the divers goes, “Don’t piss on the poop deck.” And the rest of us laughed cuz, you know, it was real tense and shit so you laugh at weird shit, right? But Larry thought we were laughing at his penis. He came at us with the strength of four, maybe five cable guys. Once again, the celebrity spent the trip home locked in the shark cage.)

Steve Harvey: Shark’s All Up In Here Steve Harvey could not be persuaded to get off the boat, nor to stop drinking and making the divers model the suits he brought aboard with him. It’s like an hour of Steve doing “That shark’ll bite my black ass!” material and then he gets pissed off when no one wants to play the Feud. Not our best offering this year.

Who Would Win? Kevin Smith and one of his loser buddies play Who Would Win for two hours while sitting on a couch. Ghost shark versus mako, tiger shark versus blue, etc. Quickly, it degenerates into nerd bullshit: Wolverine versus great white, Batman versus every shark in the world, which shark would make the best Jedi. We’re going to be honest: we ran out of budget before we ran out of hours in Shark Week. We had to do this one on the cheap. And while, no, there are no actual sharks in this program, Kevin does talk about Jaws for twenty minutes. Here’s a sneak peek: He thinks it’s a great film.

Megalodon: FACT (or fiction?) There will be numerous reminders that megalodon, the 60-foot long white shark that lived millions of years ago, is extinct. All of these reminders will be voiced by ugly people. Real uggos, too. Cankers on their lips and visibly-crusting scalps and eyes in their nostrils. Uggos, dammit. In addition to the reminders will be questions, such as “I totally believe megalodon exists, don’t you?” and “Why is it that all the cool people believe in megalodon’s existence?” The questions will be asked by Selena Gomez. There will also be CG giant shark attacks that are pretty decent for basic cable.

Shark Fuckin’ More sharks having sex than you’ve ever seen in one place unless you’re a spectacular pervert. Did you know that sharks engage in foreplay? Did you know it’s hideously violent? I know you shouldn’t project human emotions on the animals, but it truly seems like they hate each other when they fuck. They fuck furiously, meaning with fury. Never fuck like a shark, my friend. It’s not for us. Turn away from the beasts and go about your chores.

“No, Pa, I want to join up. I want to be a Sharkfucker and liberate the System.”

“We’ll have none of that filth talk, young Peter Earthlistener.”

“You’ve seen it, Pa! You know what I am!”

I’m sorry, what is this?

It is a vignette that I hope to turn into a seven-part sci-fi/fantasy series. The planets of the System are ruled by the evil Non-Sharkfuckers. They’re kinda like Democratic-Socialists, except very draconian on the question of fucking like a shark. You cannot do it. Other than that, very progressive but also business-minded. Great schools. But below every paradise bubbles a fart of unhappiness.

That’s awful writing.

Yes, I told you: I’m writing a seven-part sci-fi/fantasy series. Anyway: a rebellion forms. People from across the System who believe it’s their God-given right to fuck like any animal they want. We want to bite each other and have cloacas, the Sharkfuckers demanded.

All of this is awful

Then, on a backwoods planet named Plerf, a boy was born with a shark for a dick. How could he fuck in a manner contrary to that of a shark? By nature, he was a sharkfucker, and by prophecy, too. Wanna know what the prophecy said?

Of course there’s a prophecy. Please stop pitching this. As I said: it’s awful.

The prophecy said “One day, there’ll be a boy with a shark for a dick. Put him in charge. BUT check his dick first. And not just looking: feel up on that shit. There’s criminal-minded motherfuckers out there.”

That doesn’t sound like a prophecy.

And that shark-dicked boy’s name is Peter Earthlistener because–and, dude, you’re gonna love this–earth is one of the planets in the System.

I don’t need to hear any more.

Because you love it so much?

Yeah, okay, whatever.