- If you don’t start the trailer with ominous piano plinking, do the Hollywood Cops come to your mansion and beat your fancily-named children?
- Is the black lady the captain?
- Or Michelle Yeoh?
- Or the white guy?
- Do they know that white guy is a villain?
- Do all the ships need to explode quite so often?
- Who watched 50 years of Star Trek and took the lesson from it: “constant yelling?”
- Really?
- The “Bishop in the drainpipe” shot?
- So…Michelle Yeoh’s not going to kick anyone?
- Why the fuck would you hire Michelle Yeoh and not have her kick people?
- Do you know how good Michelle Yeoh is at kicking people?
- Didn’t that ship already blow up?
- Why do the Klingons look like Apocalypse from that terrible X-Men movie?
- Rainn Wilson?
- Rainn fucking Wilson?
- What’s wrong with you, Star Trek?
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: Star Trek
Why do you hate cameras?
“Soul stealers.”
The children are so happy to be taking a picture with you, and it’s like you’re staring down the banker what come to take Pappy’s farm.
“I don’t wanna get ’em too excited. None of them are making it to the end of the tour.”
…
Goddammit, Bobby, are those Redshirts?’
“You bet.”
Where did you get Redshirts from?
“Same place Phil got his busboys, I think.”
Please don’t send those optimistic Millennials to die on Away missions.
“Too late for that. This is what’s left.”
How many did you start with?
“75? 80? You’d be astonished how many you go through.”
Why do you even need Redshirts?
“Might run into a Gorn.”
You’re not going to run into a Gorn, Bobby.
“Never know.”
And if you do, the captain is supposed to fight it. That’s you.
“Yeah, uh, we’re playing by Next Generation rules. Something needs to be investigated, we send out the keyboardist and some Redshirts.”
Makes sense.
“Grateful Dead keyboardists and Star Trek Redshirts. Lot in common.”
True. So, you’ve killed around 65 of them in 15 shows?
“Around there. Nobody really keeps track.”
How?
“Billy straight-up drowned three of them in a swimming pool.”
Jesus.
“Bus got a flat one night.”
And you made one of them change it and there was an accident?
“No, no. We, uh, fashioned a replacement tire out of half-dozen of their bodies.”
Wow.
“Show must go on.”
Does it?
- Punching.
- Shouting.
- Revenge!
- Destroying the Enterprise.
- Jumping from place to place.
- Jumping off of things.
- Jumping in place.
- Disobeying basic laws of physics.
- Karate.
- Terrible wigs.
- Terrible special effects. (Wait: Star Trek always had that. Ignore this one.)
- Handsomeness.
- Interspecies humping.
- Fastness.
- Furiousity.
- AAAAAAHHHHHHH!
- WHOOOOOOSH!
- ZAP!
- Mock turtlenecks.
I’m about five minutes into this thing that lawyers signed off on being titled Star Trek and there’s not enough dicks to punch.
Not really the proper venue for this.
It’s Dead related.
How?
Well, when I took a break from watching the film to post about it on my Dead related blog, I was also listening to the Dead. There is a relationship there: two out of the three things I mentioned were the Dead.
I hate you. Get back on topic.
Fine. Not Fade Away can be seen as a song, but it can also be seen as an allegory of the life of an apparatchik in the Soviet Union in ’30’s, during the bright days between the wars. We had our man of steel, Stalin–you didn’t know it was a nickname, foolish fat Americanksi–and this was before the horrors. Before the Purges. You made fun of us for clapping for him for hours, but it was honest! Our love for Stalin would not fade away!
Okay, what the fuck are you doing?
WHY WAS THE SPACESHIP UNDERWATER? ANSWER ME THAT, SLAPDICK!
…
Yeah, okay.
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