- Bar Mitzvah balloons with “Today, you are a Kreutzmann!” printed below the Stealie.
- Foie gras.
- Ant spray, but a very environmental one.
- Industrial centrifuge. (You have to question the decision-making process there: a Stealie is not enhancing the value of a centrifuge, let alone an industrial one. In fact, if I were the one buying centrifuges and saw one with a Stealie, I would buy the other one.)
- Plunger.
- Civilian-grade gas masks. (“WARNING! Do not expose to gas!”)
- Communion wafers.
- The Defense Technology© First Defense® CS spray (0.7%) MC Stream.
- In 1984, the band sold t-shirts depicting then-Premier Gorbachev of the then-extant Soviet Union with a Stealie replacing his trademark port-wine stain. (I would totally buy this shirt.)
- Stealie-shaped pinata that had doobies in it instead of candy, but also had some candy. (That is two objectively good ideas in a row.)
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: stealie (Page 2 of 3)
Attention New York Enthusiasts: do you wanna hear some news, or should I just go fuck myself?
God, that’s an old joke.
The good bits and the new material go in the big posts.
Sure. So what’s the news?
Dead & Co will not be at CitiField.
What? So who will be?
Dead & WHOA-OHH-AHHHHH-AHAHH-YEEEEEEEAAAAAHH!
…
Mrs. Donna Jean?
You didn’t hear it from me.
Who’d I hear it from, then?
No idea. But do you know that This Is All A Dream We Dreamed, the spectacular oral history of the Dead co-written by the great David Gans, is only $22.99 from Amazon?
I didn’t.
It’s a good deal.
I’d say to take off your helmets, but Gordie didn’t wear one. Hope the Maple Leaf is at half-staff today.
Like an idiot, I thought that yesterday’s Starbucks Day was the low point, and that things could get no more irritating. I forgot that TED Talks existed.
Also: I can’t believe that Starbucks’ Social Media Contentifizers (Meme Squad) didn’t take the opportunity to tweet out a pic of a Starbucks cup with “Jerry” written on the side in Sharpie.
Also also: “Youth@”.
“Yo.”
Me?
“Yeah, you. Balloons. 3 for $10.”
What?
“You want, I got.”
You’re selling balloons?
“Nitrous Mafia for life, yo.”
You are not in the Nitrous Mafia.
“Lost my Red Sox hat.”
Shut up, butterfly.
“Custie motherfucker.”
I hope you get eaten by a lizard.
Music, it can take you by the hand. Crush your fingers so you know who’s boss; let you know you’ve got a pardner in this weary world; press your palm to your chest to feel your heart beating and remind you you’re still alive.
Music, it can take you by the scruff. Drag you to water and make your ass drink; drag you to the bar and make your ass drink; drag you to God and make your ass drink.
It’ll leave scars just like your father; put you to bed just like your mother; tear little chunks off just like your first dead pet.
Music’ll fuck you up.
Dear Guy Selling These T-Shirts,
Holy shit, are you going to get sued. Imagine if Thor’s hammer were made out of lawyers: that’s what’s about to be rammed up your asshole. Prince’s crackhead half-sister who now controls the estate is going to own your house. Stop doing this thing.
I see where you got confused: there are two logos here, and one of them is halfway to public domain by now. You have to work real hard to get yourself a Cease & Desist for putting a Stealie on something. I’m a believer in copyright law and intellectual property belonging to its creators, but a non-hippie argument could be made that the Stealie belongs to all of us at this point.
But the logo you put inside the Stealie? That sumbitch belongs to one guy, and it doesn’t matter that he’s dead: he will come back to life just to sue you.
Don’t die on this hill, man.
Sincerely,
TotD
ps The Stealie is pretty neat, though. Here’s a bigger version:
COTD winner Allthebeerscombine sends this in. His contribution reminds us of why the innertubes are a wonderful place; his screen name reminds us why the innertubes are a silly place.
Remember, Enthusiasts: no one’s really dead until they’ve been shoved into a Stealie.
He’s not the Deadhead we need; he’s the Deadhead we deserve. So we’ll jam at him, because he can take it. He’s our noodle-dancing guardian. Our tie-dyed knight.
He’s the goddamned Deadhead.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AunQSK4DaNQ
“Freeman, it’s a well-known fact that all of the Grateful Dead was in the CIA.”
“Texe, I know I keep asking, but are you positive that’s your name? Seems like a typo.”
“That’s what they want you to think.”
“Ah. Yes. I see it now.”
“Circles within circles, Freeman. Getting back to the Dead–”
“I followed them for years.”
“Is that right?”
“Well, my hair did. My ponytail gave Bobby’s ponytail a tugger in ’86.”
“Was it under some kind of mental control, possibly by HAARP technology?”
“No. Bobby’s ponytail asked. Said please, so my ponytail dipped its hand in the humus and got to work.”
“Great story.”
“My ponytail wrote and performed a one-ponytail show about it. Good reviews.”
“Getting back to the Dead: as I said, it is known that they were CIA members.”
“Aw, Texe, that ain’t the half of it: CIA, NSA, PBS. You know that show The Americans? About the Soviet spies in America With the girl who cut off her hair?”
“Keri Strug.”
“Yeah, her. Anyway: that show was based on the Godchauxes.”
“I did not know that, Freeman. The world holds so many mysteries; maybe that’s why it’s hollow.”
“Communist spies working directly under the KGB. They were raised in one of those secret Soviet town where everyone spoke English and trained to go undercover.
“This explains the lack of childhood photos of Keith.”
“Right. And it has been revealed on many internet sites and once in an actual book that Phil was an alien.”
“Still is.”
“Well, yeah.”
“Once and alien, always an alien.”
“Was he a lizard or a grey?”
“Neither. Cat Person from Felicidae IV, Throneworld to the Felis Empire.”
“Right. Also CIA, though.”
“Texe, to say Phil Lesh was a CIA agent and a bored, galaxy-hopping, shape-shifting alien is just scratching the surface. All the evidence points to Mr. Lesh being a high-ranking member of at least seven global conspiracies.”
“Illuminati?”
“Obviously. Plus: the Philluminati.”
“How many people were in that, Freeman?”
“Just Phil. It was a very secret society.”
“Wow. What about the Knights Templar? How do they fit into this?”
“The entire band were Knights Templar, but they couldn’t be trusted with the swords.”
“I could see that. How much devil worship was there?”
“What you’d expect. Not too much. Not excessive.”
“Freeman, all our global masters like to leave clues out in public like they’re the Riddler.”
“I have noticed that about conspiracies, yeah.”
“How has the Dead advertised their affiliation with their various secret societies?”
“Texe, when you finally realize you’re living in a clockwork world managed by aliens, Jews, re-animated Hitler, and super-intelligences from eight trimensions over, you start to see signs everywhere.”
“I’ll bet.”
“The Dead advertise their occultism and connections to otherworldly power in many ways. For example, the Steal Your Face logo reveals their thrall to the Babylonian god of mischief Enki.”
“Thrall, Freeman?”
“Thrall, Texe. In return for their loyalty and Jerry Garcia’s finger, Enki granted them special abilities and watched over them and gave them lesser demons to use as the road crew.”
“How does the logo figure into it?”
“Enki thought it was cool.”
“Fascinating. Let’s get back to our original point: the CIA. How involved were the Grateful Dead and the CIA?”
“For six months in the 80’s, Bill Kreutzmann was the interim deputy-director of the CIA.”
“That high up?”
“That we know of, Texe.”
“Wow.”
…
“Are you sure–”
“It’s my name, man.”
“–that’s your name? Okay, okay.”
“Leave it alone.”
“Sure.”
(With thanks to the well-educated and dignified Chris Jennings for the video. His award-winning book can be purchased from the sidebar. Go do so.)
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