Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: sting

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TotD is now proud to present a new feature we call Phil Collins Awkwardly Drapes His Arm Around The Shoulders Of Someone Taller Than Him During Live Aid.

This is Phil with his then-wife, Jill, at the airport catching Concorde. The supersonic jet did not fly to Philadelphia, so Phil and Jill landed at JFK and took a helicopter the rest of the way. That was the raw power that was 1980’s Phil Collins, Younger Enthusiast. He couldn’t be stopped, and you couldn’t hope to contain him.

And this is him and Sting. This has been Phil Collins Awkwardly Drapes His Arm Around The Shoulders Of Someone Taller Than Him During Live Aid. Thank you for your patronage.

 

Stranger In A Strange Promised Land

“Oh, hey, Branford. I thought you and Elvis went to fight Hitler.”

“Motherfucker, why does that sentence make sense to me now? It wouldn’t have before I started hanging ’round you weird motherfuckers.”

“It’s, uh, amazing how fast the human mind can acclimate to new stimuli.”

“I don’t give a shit. No offense, Bob, but I’ve had enough of the time travel and whatnot.”

“Whole lotta whatnot around here, yup. ‘Whatnot’ is pretty much the dark matter of the Grateful Dead’s reality: we don’t know what it is exactly, but we know there’s quite a bit of it.”

“Did you just call me ‘dark matter?'”

“No, no, no. I, uh, don’t see color. Makes driving a hassle, but the Tesla does it all for me now.”

“Goddamn, I wanna get out of here.”

“Oi! Branny-Wanny!”

“Whoever called me that is catching some hands.”

“Sting? What the fuck are you doing being a part of this?”

“Well, Trudy and I accidentally learned the secrets of time travel via tantric humping.”

“No dumber than anything else I’ve heard so far.”

“And I heard your beautiful saxophonations through the infra-streams.”

“Okay, that’s dumber.”

“Do you want my help or not?”

“That depends. Do you want to bring me back to where I came from, or are we going on adventures?”

“Adventures.”

“Cracker-ass cracker.”

“Why is Branford so angry, Jerr-o?”

“Ah, you know, man: skipping back and forth through the infra-stream is a bit disconcerting at first.”

“He makes it about race, though.”

“Well, in his defense, it is exclusively white people doing this to him. He’s just being observant.”

“It’s still hurtful.”

“Sack up, Gordon.”

“Jerr-o, did you see Branny-Wanny?”

“He lets you call him that?”

“I’m a knight; I can call anyone whatever I want.”

“Huh, didn’t know that.”

“Comes with the title.”

“You people are fascinating.”

“Seriously, though, where did he go?”

“Boy, what did I tell you about white people?”

“They were the devil.”

“Time travelling demons! Each and every one, even the ones seem okay. Tom Hanks? Time travelling demon.”

“I know, sir.”

“You dumber than a box of dicks.”

“I know, sir.”

Don’t Stand So Close To Bobby

Hey, Bobby.

“Look, it’s Slash.”

No.

“Smosh.”

What?

“Shamalamadingdong.”

Sting. His name is Gordon Sumner, and he goes by Sting.

“Not ringing any bells.”

He opened for the Dead.

“Apparently, so did the Violent Femmes, whoever the hell they are. So, you know: you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit more than that.”

He was in The Police.

“Oh, shit.”

No. Not the police. The Police.

“Ah. I didn’t notice the capitalization. Wait, yeah. They were a trio, right?”

Yup.

“I do not cotton to trios, gotta tell ya. At least six or seven too few people in the band.”

Bobby.

“Yeah?”

Reach in there and tweak his nip.

“Yeah, I’m not gonna do that.”

You could, though.

“You can see an awful lot of him.”

Too much. Hold on: is Sting wildly under-dressed, or are you wildly over-dressed.

“Both. This picture was taken at a pool party.”

Sure.

Thoughts On Sting

sting overalls stealie

Phil Collins is being allowed a comeback, and a re-appreciating; so is Lionel Richie. Peter Gabriel is coming soon, and mark my words, Enthusiasts: a Major Thinkpiece by Major Rock Writer is in the works re-evaluating Huey Lewis. (And the News, who were a crack outfit of Bay Area ringers. You can have any opinion on Huey’s songs or voice or persona; that the News was made up of motherfuckers is inarguable. There was a Cipollina on bass and the drummer who looked like John Denver; great band. )

I don’t know if it’s in the cards for Sting. He’s still famous for some reason–he’s touring with the aforementioned Peter Gabriel this summer and he played the NBA All-Star Game this year to much confusion–but the critical reappraisal is not forthcoming.

Those were my thoughts on Sting.

Also, TotDotB (Thoughts on the Dead off-track Betting) is laying seven to four that Young John Mayer will wear this exact outfit this summer.