Tag: super bowl

• If you wanna get the taste of “Oh, is there a football game?” out of your mouth, then try this: 4/21/78 from the Rupp Arena in Lexington, KY.
• It’s a lot like Super Bowl LIV, if you think about it.
• Sloppy as hell and played in front of a quarter-full room.
• BUT Tom Brady did not receive any accolades, and so therefore the ’78 is better.
• PLUS every time you listen to 4/21/78, you’re giving esteemed archivist David Lemieuxlinrouge the finger just a little bit because he is insistent on releasing every show around 4/21, but not the actual 4/21, and I don’t wanna seem paranoid or anything, but I think he’s doing it on purpose to fuck with me because he knows how much I love the 4/21.
• This passive-aggression will not stand.
• I’m gonna sneak onto that little forest island DL lives on and dangle an avocado outside his window, and when he bites it I’m gonna yoink him into my boat and take a selfie with him and then maybe eat him.
• See how he likes it.
• I’m a Pisces, baby; I’m allowed to do shit like that.

Weren’t you gonna talk about the game?

• GODDAMMIT, YOU STAY OUT MY BULLET POINTS!

Stay on target, you bag of skin and complaints.

• Fine: Game sucked.
• But–and I was reminded of this many times during the 60-minute contest which lasted four hours–the NFL did end racism this year.
• See:
• 
• That’ll do it, I suppose.
• Although the lack of punctuation muddles the message slightly.
• Is it a command?
• “END RACISM!”
• Is it a cry of despair?
• “And in the end…racism.”
• Maybe they’re saying that Tight Ends are allowed to be racist.
• (That might be it, actually. Until relatively recently, Tight End was a historically white position. QB, TE, and Center. The Offensive Line was always pretty pale, but Centers were downright alabaster.)
• Difficult to overstate how B-List the Show Biz portion of the broadcast was: It was like Match Game ’82 out there.
• I kept expecting Richard Dawson to show up and half-ass it.
• Sure, he died years ago but so did The Weeknd’s career.
• That guy’s like the opposite of a cult leader.
• I would not follow him anywhere.
• And apparently the rest of the music industry shared my opinion: NO guest stars?
• Shit, even Alicia Keys and John Legend said no, and they’ll show up to anything.
• And then Bruce Springsteen, who is a cowboy despite being from Asbury Park, told me to go to Kansas so I can worship Jesus and find common ground with Nazis and Capitol-Stormers.
• Now, I consider myself a fairly Centrist kind of dude.
• A pragmatist.
• Gonna be honest with you: I could make a deal with Mitt Romney.
• Mostly because Mitt Romney doesn’t believe in Jewish Space Lasers, and that school shootings are hoaxes (possibly staged by Jews).
• But here’s the important question:
• 
• Who let Andy Reid out in public like this?
• From all accounts, the man is beloved by his team.
• No one pulled him aside and said, “Coach, you look like a dying stork, but fatter.”
• Plus–as the game was way more lopsided than the score would attest to–we were swindled out of everyone’s favorite running gag: Andy Reid Becomes Confused By The Game Clock.
• Man’s been a coach for nine decades now.
• Cannot figure out how Time Outs work, and I LOVE HIM FOR IT.
• I think he tried to call two TO’s at once a couple of seasons ago, and the refs didn’t even throw a flag.
• They were just like, “Yup, that’s our Andy.”
• H.E.R. was great.
• I’m gonna check her (H.E.R.) out.
• But her performance of America The Beautiful did beg the question: Do other countries require TWO songs about how great they are?
• Because after America The Beautiful, we had to sit through two semi-entities melismating through the Star-Spangled Banner.
• ATB should be the National Anthem, anyway: it’s easier to sing, it’s shorter, and it’s not about blowing shit up; the song’s about how awesome our mountains are.
• The worst outcome, of course, is that now Tom Brady can no longer be dismissed in any way as a “system QB.”
• He’s got seven rings and that’s the end of the argument, but he’s a humorless son-kisser,
• Sure, Michael Jordan was (and is, and will continue to be) a dick, but his dickishness is to such a ludicrous degree that it’s fascinating and entertaining and–as demonstrated by The Last Dance–highly memeable.
• Not Brady.
• He’s got dead eyes, like a doll’s eyes.
• Gronk’s still all right.
• And that’ll be it for me as far as football goes ’til next Super Bowl, because remember: With what we now know about the effects of the game on the players, watching the NFL is like watching vintage gay porn.
• You know what the men on the screen are going to die of.
• God bless America, y’all!

• Sometimes, the ball was hurled downfield with an abandon most would term reckless.
• At other times, the ball was simply handed to the largest nearby fellow.
• Baby Mr. Peanut was misshapen and weak, and should be left outside the city walls to be eaten by wolves, or the poor.
• I get a little more communist every day that one of those billionaire assholes doesn’t buy Fox and set it on fire.
• Why did security not remove the abuelita that wandered onto stage during Shakira’s performance?
• That little kid who ran the ball in wasn’t sufficiently patriotic; he should have performed fellatio on the Pat Tillman statue.
• LETDOWN: An Andy Reid-coached game in which he does not become confused by the clock and how Time Outs work is like a KISS show where they don’t close with Rock & Roll All Nite.
• Jerry Hall’s got a type, huh?
• San Francisco got rooked in that the game was decided by who scored the most points, and not which team had the most fuckable quarterback.
• Everyone was wowed by Jennifer Lopez being 50, but no one mentioned that Richard Sherman is 93 years old.
• I’ve made this observation before, but I’ll repeat it: With what we now know about the game’s effect on the human brain, watching football is like watching vintage gay porn, in that you know what the young men on the screen are going to die of.
• We’re on our ninth Fast & Furious movie.
• No joke.
• Just pointing out a fact.
• Nine.
• Plus that one that came out last year where The Rock and Jason Statham fought Idris Elba.
• That makes ten, I suppose.
• Obviously, no causative link can be drawn between that fact and the growing anti-vaccine movement, but those two data points aren’t completely unrelated.
• SOMETHING YOU’LL NEVER HEAR JOE BUCK SAY: “Y’know what, Troy? Fuck the troops.”
• It was a better world when Morganna the Kissing Bandit was on the loose.
• If I were a billionaire, I would buy three or four commercial slots in a row and play this:

• The good guys did not win: Philadelphia has never been and will never be the “good guys.”
• But the baddies lost.
• And, Enthusiasts, I will not lie to you: I am taking this as a sign for 2018.
• #BLUEWAVE.
• When Brady dropped that pass was the moment the Democrats took the Senate back.
• Let’s get this out of the way: fuck Justin Timberlake.
• Justin Timberlake has taken more from black people than sickle-cell anemia.
• Stupid fucking name.
• Go back to Montana and your C-list wife and stop bothering us, turdface.
• Leave Prince out of your forgettable malarkey, Justin Timberlake.
• He said SPECIFICALLY not to do the thing you did.
• Here, here’s Prince’s quote from 1998 about bringing him back from the dead to duet with his lessors:

That whole virtual reality thing … it really is demonic. And I am not a demon … To prevent that kind of thing from happening is another reason why I want artistic control. That’s the most demonic thing imaginable. Everything is as it is, and it should be. If I was meant to jam with Duke Ellington, we would have lived in the same age.

There’s gonna be this little Mickey Mouse motherfucker named Justin Timberlake who’s gonna try it. You don’t know who that is yet, but trust me on this. I’m Prince, and I know things. Do not let that little bitch sing with me after I’m dead at Super Bowl 52. Don’t ask me how I know these things. I’m Prince. 

• Oh, there was a game, too.
• And it was close to the Platonic ideal of football perfection, as it contained almost no punting.
• As we know, punting is a shameful act.
• Justin Timberlake probably punts.
• Also bringing the game close to glory was the deployment of trick plays: twice–TWICE–did the quarterback get sent downfield as a receiver.
• Even better: Brady dropped his!
• (Here’s TotD’s improvement to the rules: all teams MUST attempt three (3) trick plays every game. Triple reverse, fumblerooski, fake field goal, whatever: something besides slant-left and up-and-out. Even better: the plays are decided randomly by computer and given to the coach to call in with no warning at all. Maybe we could vote on Twitter or something.)
• Philly’s on fire, right?
• It’s been an hour.
• Did they grease up the Liberty Bell?
• Because someone’s climbing, and then fucking, that historical landmark.
• Bill Belichick looks like the pile of clothes in the corner of the basement you’ve been meaning to take to Goodwill.
• Every day that I wake up and 17 or 18 women haven’t come for Al Michaels astonishes me.
• Chris Collinsworth, too.
• Wanna know what Hell is?
• Hell is listening to Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth discussing whether a player was technically a “receiver” or a “runner” at the time of the fumble.
• Forever.
• There were also commercials, which we are warned to act excited about; if we cannot muster up enough enthusiasms, then we will be pulled out of a security line and forced to hug the cancerous.
• Seriously: fuck that shit, Hyundai.
• People don’t buy Hyundais because they care about cancer; they buy them because the monthly payment was $40 less than the similar-model Kia.
• In the same vein: fuck Dodge trucks, Stella Artois, and T-Mobile.
• If you want to do something charitable, corporations, then just do it.
• Don’t make us buy shit so you can donate the money.
• Who do you think you are, the Grateful Dead?

*I will not play along with your Roman numeral bullshit, NFL. Especially now that we’ve gotten past I, V, and X. I, V, and X are cool-ass letters. L is most decidedly not. Even Smashmouth knows that L is for suckers.