- I know it’s been a while.
- A break was required.
- One needs a breather in between writing about Man Of Shpilkis and the second and third films in the Syndology, Mister Man vs. The Fuck-You Guy: Let’s Touch Dicks and Justice Luge.
- I would have much preferred to watch Justice Luge than the actual movie.
- Two hours of an unwilling Jason Momoa hurled down a mountain on a cafeteria tray.
- “MY MAN!”
- And also Gal Gadot luging, and wearing the luge outfit with the helmet.
- (Enthusiasts, you know I have never lied to you, and I maintain that streak with this revelation: major fetish. The skintight outfit that lugists and bobsledders and ski racers wear, but only with the helmet on. Tres sexy.)
- Also, the woman’s name is pronounced Gal like in “pal” Guh-DAHT.
- Not Gail Godot.
- She is not French, and no one is waiting for her.
- She is Wonder Woman, whose personality lies at the midpoint of “having a foreign accent” and “standing confidently.”
- They gave WW some character in her solo film, but Zack Snyder thinks chicks are faggy and so all she talks about is how much she misses Steve Trevor.
- Who died in The First World War One.
- Which was 100 years ago.
- Get some new dick, Diana.
- There have been five generations of fuckable men since then.
- Bowie.
- You could’ve banged Bowie.
- Or perhaps you could have explored your sexuality and rubbed muffs with another lady.
- I am quite sure that someone on your all-lady home island of Themiscyra could have shown you the ropes of rubbing muffs.
- But, no, you pined for Pine.
- Like a sexless Disney princess.
- BOOOOO!
- YOU ARE NOT THE EMPOWERING FIGURE I WAS LED BY THE CHILDREN’S MOVIE TO BELIEVE YOU WERE!
- Anyway, Wonder Woman shows up twice in BvS, once to fight and once to wear a dress
- That is as precise as I can be.
- It is an aggressively stupid movie in which nothing makes sense.
- JL is similarly insipid, but the plot makes sense.
- “CG monster desires Magical Things; heroes align to interfere with his plans.”
- Simple.
- Not BvS.
- The machinations by which the script (assuming there was one) goes through to get Batfleck to fight Superduperman are uncountable; the Industrial Revolution didn’t have this many machinations.
- Now, the excuse for having Cap and Iron Man beat each other up in Captain America: Civil War was similarly ludicrous, but at least there was some fun in that picture.
- You had the airport fight and…okay, you had the airport fight.
- That was a hell of an airport fight, though.
- James Brown used to fight a lot in airports, but that wasn’t as entertaining as Spidey and Ant-Man going at it.
- Much of the time, James would be sparring with a trash can or kicking a stranger’s children.
- Which, again, is not entertaining.
- At least, it’s not entertaining in the way you want something to be.
- The viewer spends the entirety of BvS asking two questions:
- How does that character know that?
- How does that character not know that?
- Also: everyone is an idiot.
- Batface, Superguy, Jesse Eisenberg doing his Crispin Glover imitation as Lex Luthor: thorough dunces.
- The evil plan is kicked off when Lex frames Superman for a mass murder in Africa.
- Warlords and all that shit.
- The evidence?
- All the bullet-ridden bodies.
- You know, like Superman tends to leave around.
- Super “Have Gun, Will Travel” Man.
- (And don’t give me any bullshit about how the mercenaries burned the bodies in the Extended Cut. Fuck the Extended Cut. I’m not watching a longer version of this diarrhea sandwich, even if it is more coherent.)
- And then there’s some Kryptonite, which Lex knows will kill Superman and Bruce Wayne knows that, too.
- How?
- Good question, dude.
- Good question, but now you’re to report to Section 112 for reconditioning.
- You should be more respectful of Brands and their Intellectual Properties.
- Whatever, who cares about the plot now that the white men are punching one another.
- This is what we came for.
- This is why we will come.
- Punch each other, white guys!
- Batman is in Bat-Armor.
- Superman is in his customary suit.
- Sha sha, pocket Kryptonite!
- (This allows the bout to take place at all. If Superman is not massively depowered, he turns Batman into a fine, moody mist within milliseconds. Or a charred, brooding lump. Maybe a thick, vengeful jelly. It wouldn’t qualify as a “fight,” and certainly wouldn’t do as the climax of an action picture.)
- Jesse Eisenberg watches the brouhaha, which is taking place in Gotham, from Metropolis.
- He can do this because–and I was just as shocked by this as you will be–the two cities are within a mile of one another.
- And why not?
- Z-Dog has gotten everything else wrong about the DC Universe, why not this?
- There are also numerous–and ass-slappingly blatant–references to the area of the fight being “abandoned” or having “virtually no one there” after work.
- This is, of course, in response to criticism received after StahlMenschen graphically depicted the deaths of thousand of Metropolitans who had the temerity to get in the way of a superhero dust-up.
- And it’s late, late at night.
- The DC Universe takes place at night because otherwise you can’t have Batman.
- He’s a bat.
- Maaaaaaaan.
- He cannot be present at two in the afternoon.
- It would just look weird
- Like when you saw your grade school teacher in the supermarket.
- A NOTE ON HENRY CAVILL: Guy got fucked.
- He coulda been a contender.
- I mean it: might’ve taken on Christopher Reeve for the title.
- The look was not the problem.
- Motherfucker looks like Superman.
- Tina Fey doesn’t look as much like Sarah Palin as Henry Cavill looks like Superman.
- Nor was it his chops: he can act; go watch The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
- The role of a lifetime, and the sap gets saddled with Z-Dog as a director.
- “Say the line mopier! MOPIER!”
- Anyway, Batman is punching Superman, vice versa, some tossing through brick walls, etc., until now Bats had Supes on the ground, weakened by the Kryptonite, with a spear (also Kryptonite) to his throat.
- Superman goes, “MARCIA!”
- Batman freaks out.
- “WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?”
- Then Amy McAdams runs in and says,
- “That’s his favorite Brady! Don’t hurt him, that’s his favorite Brady!”
- Now, Enthusiasts, what was just reported is not what occurred in the movie, but can anyone argue that my version is dumber?
- At this point, Lex Luthor gives birth to a cave troll.
- Kinda.
- It’s complicated.
- And stupid.
- Plus–and I realize I keep repeating myself here–it is uninteresting.
- The laws of dramatis personae demand that Batman and Superman team up after their fight to take on a third, more powerful foe.
- Doomsday first appeared back in the legendarily dopey Death of Superman run of comics; he was expressly created for the sole purpose of killing Superman.
- It was his raison d’etre.
- And he did.
- Doomsday was self-actualized.
- It was such a sad event that DC included black armbands in the mylar bags the comic came in.
- Superman was, of course, resurrected a short time later sporting a bitchin’ mullet.
- (A very short time: the first issue of the storyline killing him off came out in December of ’92 and the Big Blue Boy Scout was back among the living in October of ’93. That’s a cash grab. You have to give it a full year for the death to mean anything, in my opinion. Marvel let Colossus stay dead for a decade.)
- And thus, as Doomsday exists only to murder Superman, Doomsday murders Superman.
- I wish that he had gone on to also murder Batman and Wonder Woman, and then the rest of both Gotham and Metropolis, but that is not what happened.
- This gives Z-Dog the chance for one of his beloved funeral scenes.
- “Z-DOG NEEDS HIS CAISSONS, BABY!”
- Shut up, Z-Dog.
- Jesus fucking Christ, I did it again.
- Fine, this is now a trilogy about the Snydology.
- I’ll get to Justice League next time.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: superman
- Sam Raimi’s three Spider-Man movies had heart.
- Christopher Nolan’s Batman films had brains.
- And Zack Snyder’s DC trilogy had a stinky asshole rubbing on your face.
- Aggressively.
- Imagine: you are on the floor, supine.
- Zack Snyder, henceforth known as Z-Dog, is standing above you.
- Your head is between his feet.
- And now he squats so low, so deep and low–
- Excuse me.
- –and you quiver in ecstasy to receive the Salve of D’murm.
- Dude.
- What?
- Stop making up occult bullshit and talk about the movies.
- The Snydology–The One Where A Million Fucking People Die, Handsome Man Punches Armor-Face, and The One With Wonder Woman And Aquaman–is almost, but not quite, perfectly dreadful; it is also disappointing and confusing at several identifiable levels, precipitating near-constant cries of “Why is he doing that?”
- Sometimes one asks about creative choices.
- Sometimes one asks about character choices.
- Never is a satisfying answer provided.
- For example, there is the look.
- (Film is a visual medium.)
- In 1983, a gypsy cursed a hooker in Newark, New Jersey, but the gypsy was drunk and ended up embuing the hooker’s L’egg’s pantyhose with immortality.
- The hooker wears those ‘hose to this day, and still hooks.
- Those pantyhose are the colors of 2.5 films out of the Snydology (we’ll get to it): gray and brown and explosions.
- There is a small bit of green in the first one, and the third one has a dash of red in it, but mostly it’s gray and brown then boom.
- Blade Runner without the neon.
- Every movie Z-Dog has ever directed looks like it takes place two years after a nuke went off.
- Not immediately after, but shit is still fucked up.
- Appropriate for a zombie picture, but this is the superhero game, baby; did it translate?
- It did not!
- Hey, I’m sorry for that question-and-answer thing back there; weird and out-of-place; I regret its inclusion.
- Another choice the casual viewer might question is making Superman such a fucking mope.
- More powerful than a locomotive pulling a car full of girl’s blouses and sad diary entries, ya pissy widdle fuck.
- Z-Dog’s Superman listens to The Smiths.
- And still, in 2019, defends Morrisey.
- This is because–and here is the core defect of these films–Z-Dog does not understand Superman on any level including visually.
- He shouldn’t loom.
- That’s Batman’s thing.
- Truth, Justice, and the American Way; golly and shucks and ma’am; posture to emulate in front of the mirror: that’s Superman, and he’s not grim and gritty.
- Superman is not Gritty, either.
- (18 months ago, that sentence wouldn’t have made sense to you. Welcome to the future.)
- Z-Dog’s Superman spends a great deal of time:
- Gnashing his teeth at people.
- Regarding humans with contempt.
- Threatening to melt someone’s face off with his heat vision.
- Hanging with his two dead dads.
- Superman usually only has one dead dad, but this is a Z-Dog production, man.
- These dead dads go to eleven.
- And killing randos.
- Far before the grand and terrible ending where he snaps Zod’s throat, Superman ended the lives of oodles of bystanders in Manly Steel.
- He kept throwing Kryptonian warriors into occupied buildings.
- I don’t know what that’s called legally–murder or manslaughter or whatever–but it’s definitely Superman’s fault those people are dead.
- This is before Zod levels up and goes Super-Saiyan all over Kal-El and Metropolis.
- Before the ending fight scene between Handsome Man and Michael Shannon with George Clooney’s haircut from 1995 even ramps up, hundreds of innocents are dead or seriously injured.
- Smallville’s infrastructure is in ruins.
- This is a farm town, you’ll note.
- At any moment, Superman might have dragged the fracas to one of the fields surrounding the small outpost of civilization in the vast Kansas plain.
- Instead, he chose to scrap in the IHOP.
- The Man of Steel does not fight in a House of Pancakes.
- Daredevil could have a great fight scene in an IHOP, but not Superman because Superman fights are so fast and energetic that there is a radius of lethality to them.
- Like a shuttle launch.
- The true magnitude of Superman’s abilities and might had always been well displayed in the comics, but never on screen; the technology didn’t exist.
- The first two Christopher Reeve films aren’t beloved for their blistering action sequences, which–in the DeLaurentis family’s defense–were the best they could do in 1979.
- In 2013, the best they could do was photorealisitically recreate what a Kryptonian fight would look like in a major city: it is genocide.
- Perhaps you remember the jokes, or articles declaiming the violence, or perhaps you saw the film when it came out and it has slipped from your mind, so allow me to attest: the ending of Man of Steel is fucked up and Z-Dog should go to jail for it.
- Allow us, for not the last time, to compare the Snydology to a Marvel movie: The Avengers.
- The climax of each story has our hero/s battling a semi-inifinitely powerful enemy in the middle of a city.
- An honest reading of Avengers must reveal many dead New Yorkers.
- Those giant armored sperm-dragons were knocking buildings over.
- Monster-faces were shooting at pedestrians.
- People fucking died.
- Yet the film only presents “innocents” in terms of the heros; there are two shots of normal people during the entire sequence: in one, Captain America saves a group of them, and the Hulk comes to the rescue in the other.
- Civilians are not in danger so much as moderate distress (on screen).
- Z-Dog goes a different way.
- Full 9/11.
- Shots straight-up cribbed from documentaries I forced myself to stop watching several years ago.
- Still recognize the angles, though.
- Running along with the crowd, only to look back and see the dust cloud approaching.
- Skyscrapers crumbling.
- Confused survivors dusty like ghosts.
- Trust me on this one: the man consciously aped the semiotic language of September 11th.
- For a movie about Superduperman, who punches crime, and has a cape.
- You should go to jail for that.
- Honestly, what happens is beyond 9/11.
- It’s 9/11 squared.
- It’s 81/121.
- Swathes of business and residential areas are razed as these two numbskulls kick each other in the super-nuts.
- Multiple buildings of 50, 60, and 70 stories are toppled.
- Chris Meloni is also in this movie, and that’s always welcome news.
- He is General Military, and Toby from West Wing is Dr. Scientist.
- Amy McAdams plays plucky reporter Girlfriend Girl.
- In the spirit of comic book movie leading women since the inception of the genre, she requires rescuing.
- She falls off shit a lot.
- The leading ladies in both the Raimi and Nolan trilogies fell off of shit a lot, too.
- More correctly, the bad guys threw them from heights.
- (The Green Goblin chucked Kirsten Dunst off the Queensboro Bridge; the Joker dropped Maggie Gyllenhall off the balcony of Wayne Tower: it’s a recyclable trope.)
- Amy McAdams has a face.
- I’ll leave it at that.
- If you asked her about it–
- “Hey, is that your face?”
- –I feel as though she’d answer,
- “Yes, it is.”
- And offer no further response, nor a countering query, just sit there quietly being Amy McAdams and having that face.
- There’s also a My Two Dads thing going on with Waterworld and Gladiator, instead of Greg Evigan and Paul Reiser.
- I would’ve killed for Evigan, man.
- It’s time to bring that guy back.
- The Eviganaissance.
- We did not get BJ.
- We get RC, all 900 pounds of him.
- He’s in one of those dopey “I’m an alien” tactical suits, and there’s thousands of dollars in illegal whalebone holding Russel in there.
- Nothing but real whalebone for the Gladiator.
- At one point, Z-Dog forced Russel to karate with some stunt men; one can only imagine the limpid flailing that went on because the final product contains a cut every fifth-of-a-second with no regard as to your eye placement or the background light source.
- In the cinematic language of today’s blockbusters, this means “excitement!”
- But it is not exciting.
- Gladiator is fat.
- Waterworld, on the other hand, is old as shit.
- His mother brewed the family fresh sarsaparilla, and they lived in a Hooverville.
- And he’s like,
- “No, Clark, no. Don’t ever use your powers. Be a giant pussy.”
- And Gladiator’s all,
- “Fuck that shit. Put on the cape and be awesome.”
- Then they both die, but Gladiator dies twice because he comes back from the first death as a hologram and then Michael Shannon unplugs him.
- Too bad, so sad, dead dad.
- You know the ending, with the snapped neck and all the yelling and sadness: it is unearned, and was not set up in the story, and Zod’s death is necessary in the extreme.
- What are you gonna do, throw him in the hoosegow?
- There’s no way to toss him back into the Phantom Zone, so he’s simply gotta go.
- Can’t have a pissed-off Kryptonian wandering around the planet.
- Not good for business.
- Jesus, this is 1500 words and I haven’t gotten past the first turd.
- To be continued!
The DC Universe, As Understood From The Perspective Of Someone Who’s Only Watched Batman v. Superman
Batman Hobbies: smirking, murder. In a long-time relationship with his butler. CrossFit enthusiast. May or may not be viewed as an urban legend depending on what scene it is. Has no superpowers except for the ability to make bad guys forget they’re holding guns. Dumb as a post. Needs to clear his throat. Wants his daddy back so bad.
Superman Miserable Jesus. Hates humanity except for one mousey redhead and his mother, who–for some reason–is seven years older than he is. Enjoys hovering dramatically. Dumb as a post. Needs to clear his throat. Wants his space-daddy and his earth-daddy back so bad.
Lex Luthor Moron with full head of hair. Wants his mean daddy back so bad.
Doomsday The bathroom troll from the first Harry Potter film. May or may not have daddy issues.
Wonder Woman Female-shaped block of wood with an unplaceable accent.
Metropolis and Gotham City Within sight of one another, like so many major cities are.
Martha Kent WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Diane Lane Deserves better than this bullshit.
With the subject restrained in a seated position, one or both of the eyeballs is extruded from the socket. This can be accomplished with a common long-handled spoon, or simply a practiced thumb. The optic nerve and blood vessels are left intact so that the eyeball–now dangling limp at nostril-level–can continue to feed information to the brain. (Care should be taken to keep the eyeball moist via regular applications of a saline solution.) This method of preparation makes genital mutilation far more efficacious.
And THAT’S what I thought of Batman v. Superman.
Maybe you needed to hear this today, too. Stick your chest out and put your hands on your hips: statistically, it’s the most heroic way to stand.
INT – JUSTICE LEAGUE MOON BASE: THE WATCHTOWER
The ENTIRE JUSTICE LEAGUE is present.
SUPERMAN
I thought this was my movie.
BATMAN is on monitor duty. He is SITTING on a CHAIR MADE OUT OF DEAD ROBINS.
BATMAN
You’re dull, Clark.
SUPERMAN
I don’t have to be!
BATMAN
Buddy: your charisma died when
Christopher Reeve got on that horse.
SUPERMAN
Jesus, man. That’s dark.
BATMAN
Well…yeah. I’m Batman?
SUPERMAN
Sure. But, you know: still, man.
BATMAN
You need a safe space? Triggered?
SUPERMAN
Martha.
BATMAN
NOOOOOOO! MAAAAARTHA!
SUPERMAN
Dick.
IN THE CORNER
Lying on the ground, DRIED OUT AND DYING, is AQUAMAN
AQUAMAN
Why…did…you bring me to the moon?
SUPERMAN
You’re on the team.
AQUAMAN
Water. Please. Water.
SUPERMAN
Flash just made coffee. Would you like coffee?
AQUAMAN
You murdered me, too.
AQUAMAN DIES.
It BEGINS TO RAIN, even though we are INSIDE A MOON BASE.
EXT. WATCHTOWER
AQUAMAN’s body SHLOMPS out of the AIR LOCK, coming to rest in a COMEDIC POSITION.
INT. WATCHTOWER
SUPERMAN
Dude.
BATMAN
He was already starting to stink.
SUPERMAN
He was our friend!
BATMAN
We met him two scenes ago, Clark.
ON THE MONITOR
An ENORMOUS SHIP shaped like A BRAIN rises over the MOON’S HORIZON
MUSIC CUE: BAD MOON RISING by CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL
BATMAN
Is that a scrotum?
SUPERMAN
It’s a brain. Brainiac. You saw a scrotum, huh?
BATMAN
I have villains that would totally show up
in a flying scrotum.
SUPERMAN
Who?
BATMAN
The Ballsacker.
SUPERMAN.
Nope.
BATMAN
Very dangerous criminal.
SUPERMAN
Not a real person.
AUDIO F/X: THE SOUND OF AN ATLANTEAN KING POUNDING HIS HAND AGAINST A WINDOW
AQUAMAN
I’m not de–
EXT. WATCHTOWER
AUTOMATED MINI-GUNS rise from the ground around AQUAMAN and SHOOT HIM MANY TIMES.
INT. WATCHTOWER
SUPERMAN
You have to be shitting me.
BATMAN
Oh, fuck him. King of my seven dicks.
SUPERMAN
You’ve changed, Bruce.
BATMAN
How would you know? We just met.
SUPERMAN
Right.
INT – FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE
This isn’t YOUR DADDY’S FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE. It is EXTREME and has TATTOOS. There are many TRANSPARENT COMPUTER MONITORS and BLUE LIGHTING.
LOIS LANE, played by Amy McAdams, ENTERS. She is wearing HOT PANTS.
SUPERMAN
Lois, what are you doing here?
LOIS LANE
Advancing the plot.
SUPERMAN
Great, great. How’s Jimmy Olson?
LOIS LANE
Dead.
C/U – SUPERMAN’S FACE
SUPERMAN
How dead? Dead like I was dead?
C/U – LOIS LANE’S HOT PANTS
LOIS LANE
No. Dead dead. Shot in the face.
C/U – SUPERMAN’S BUTT-CHIN
SUPERMAN
So? I’ve been shot in the face a million times.
C/U – LOIS LANE’S TITTIES
LOIS LANE
Humans can only be shot in the face once, Clark.
EXT – METROPOLIS STREET
SUPERMAN and LOIS LANE stand on the corner, eating HOT DOGS. Isn’t that the craziest thing? Just so random, right? Wacky!
LOIS LANE
How did we get here?
SUPERMAN
Reshoots. The rest of the Fortress of Solitude scene
tested poorly.
LOIS LANE
How did I even get to the North Pole in the first place?
SUPERMAN
Lois, stop talking crazy. How’s our son?
LOIS LANE
Son? We don’t have a…oh, right. The kid who threw the piano.
Retconned out of existence.
SUPERMAN
Huh. Wow. How’s Perry White?
LOIS LANE
Black.
MUSIC CUE: SHITTY RAVE MUSIC
DOOMSDAY jumps into the frame, MURDERING DOZENS OF CHILDREN but Lois is COMPLETELY UNHARMED. The monster is being RIDDEN by LEX LUTHOR, who is played by REBEL WILSON.
LEX LUTHOR
I figure I can’t do a worse job than Jesse Eisenberg.
SUPERMAN
Sure.
LOIS LANE
He made such bad choices.
LEX LUTHOR
I will destroy you, Superman!
SUPERMAN
Why?
LEX LUTHOR
Reasons!
LOIS LANE
How?
LEX LUTHOR
Don’t worry about it!
DOOMSDAY and SUPERMAN begin PUNCHING ONE ANOTHER FOR A HALF HOUR OR SO until THE ENTIRE CITY IS DEMOLISHED and EVERYONE IS DEAD except for Lois, who COMPLETELY UNHARMED.
MUSIC CUE: BAD TO THE BONE BY GEORGE THOROGOOD AND THE DELAWARE DESTROYERS
The BATMOBILE comes SCREECHING UP to the fight. BATMAN and A NEW ROBIN exit the vehicle and ROBIN is IMMEDIATELY MURDERED.
BATMAN
MAAAAAAAAARTHA!
SUPERMAN
This one’s name was Martha, too?
BATMAN
THEY’RE ALL NAMED MARTHA!
LOIS LANE
Hi, Batman
BATMAN
Hi, Martha.
It BEGINS to RAIN.
DC (Dismal Cinema) has decided to make a sequel to the reboot of the re-imagining of the remake of Superman, called Man of Steel 2. TotD has obtained an EXCLUSIVE first look at the script, written by a white guy with stubble and to be directed by a different white guy with stubble, or maybe the same white guy. Please credit me when making this go viral. (And remember: nothing says “virus” like DC movies.)
Here we go:
GRAVEYARD – NOON, BUT SOMEHOW REALLY DARK
BATMAN stands over CLARK KENT’S GRAVE
BATMAN
Not like MAAAAAAARTHA! And Kevin COSSSSSSTNER!
SUPERMAN appears behind him.
SUPERMAN
I’m not dead.
It begins to RAIN symbolically.
BATMAN
I thought you were. Dead, I mean.
SUPERMAN
No.
BATMAN
Well, that’s great.
MUSIC CUE: SPIRIT IN THE SKY
BATMAN and SUPERMAN stand there IN SLOW MOTION.
BATMAN
Is your mom still named–
SUPERMAN
Yup. Still Martha, Bruce.
BATMAN
–Martha? Okay, just checking.
SUPERMAN
We’re cool?
BATMAN
Yeah, sure.
BATMAN and SUPERMAN stand there in EVEN SLOWER MOTION.
BATMAN
Now…how are you alive again?
SUPERMAN
I just am.
BATMAN and SUPERMAN stand there in SLOWEST MOTION.
BATMAN
I am in this movie, or am I doing another cameo?
SUPERMAN
Cameo.
In the distance, A GIANT BEAM OF COMPUTER GRAPHICS SHOOTS INTO THE SKY.
SUPERMAN
Oh, there’s the plot. Gotta run.
BATMAN
Fly, actually.
SUPERMAN
Oh, Batman. We’re such great friends.
BATMAN
Did we ever see that friendship build?
SUPERMAN
No, it was just assumed. By the way, it was sweet of
you to come visit my grave.
BATMAN
Your grave? Oh. Right. Sure. Your grave.
BATMAN and SUPERMAN stand there in a still photo.
SUPERMAN
Jesus, you killed another Robin, didn’t you?
BATMAN
Joker killed her!
SUPERMAN
Her!?
BATMAN
It’s 2016. Robins can be girls.
SUPERMAN
Girl corpses. What was her name?
BATMAN
Martha.
SUPERMAN
I gotta go.
SUPERMAN flies off into the WILD BLUE YONDER that is actually pitch-black.
EXT – MAJOR AMERICAN CITY
Superman DESTROYS THE CITY for some reason.
MUSIC CUE: I FEEL GOOD by JAMES BROWN
In the crowd, to the right of the ring post, with the beard, between the third and bottom ropes. Neal Adams, the legendary artist who drew the cover, said it was MAD magazine’s founder William Gaines, but we know better.
- There is a great deal of punching.
- In fact, there is punching not previously alluded to: we begin with Batman leaping off a plane into a building though plate-glass.
- That seems like a lot of effort to go through just to punch people, but that’s why I’m not the goddamned Batman.
- Batman is aided in this pursuit by Alfred, who has been given a promotion from butler to butler/drone pilot.
- Alfred also no longer sounds like Michael Caine.
- “Oy. Cahn’t. Lose you. Master Wayne. I bet. You didn’t know that.”
- Alfred now sounds like Scar.
- Plus, he’s in this enormous and elaborate flight simulator; the thing is clearly stupidly expensive and purpose-built.
- Who built that?
- Because that guy knows you’re Batman now, Bruce.
- Same thing with the guy who installed the T-Rex and the giant penny.
- Who does Batman’s IT?
- The only thing Batman–in not just this movie, but overall–has going for him is that he’s cool; he’s just so dopey.
- I’m more willing to believe in a universe where Superman is an alien that looks exactly like a human who flies around and is super-strong than I am willing to believe Batman could keep his identity a secret for fifteen minutes.
- Aquaman is easier to accept than the entire world not knowing Bruce Wayne is Batman.
- Being Batman just requires too much infrastructure; someone’s gonna talk.
- Anyway, Batman hurls himself through some windows and begins punching the bad guys, who all forget to shoot him.
- Maybe Batman does have super-powers, after all: the ability to make people forget they have rifles.
- Batman goes from one goon to the next.
- Punching them.
- Some of them he kicks.
- And the goons who are not being currently beaten by Batman do not shoot him.
- Which is a terrible plan.
- Were I the leader of the goons, I would have made sure to advise them numerous times before the operation, “If you see Batman, just start firing in his general direction. Don’t worry about shooting any of the team. I’ll forgive you. Open fire immediately. Also, if you hit him, shoot him again. Do not trust a chest shot. Aim well, from a safe distance, and shoot him in the head until he no longer has a head.”
- “What if we see Superman?”
- “Just surrender politely, Jenkins. He’s Superman.”
- “Almost be worth getting caught to meet Superman, boss.”
- “Just shut up and shoot Batman, Jenkins.”
- “Gotcha.”
- And then we have our final piece of evidence in the “Zack Snyder doesn’t understand these characters” court case.
- Ben Affleck growls something about how if there’s even a “1% chance” of Superman going all nuttykookooberries and molesting the planet, then you have to treat it as an absolute given.
- Which is not how percentages work.
- Ben Affleck uses the concept of percentages, and probability, and he’s Batman: you would think he would know that if something is a 1% chance, then it is not an absolute given.
- It’s one percent away from being the exact opposite, as a matter of fact.
- Is Batman a moron now?
- That line is maybe one block over from “60% of the time, it works every time.”
- He’s the World’s Greatest Detective, Zack Snyder: why is Batman a moron?
- Then Batman drives his car into Superman.
- Moron.
- Batman and Superman are very mad at each other: Batman at Superman because the whole “gonna destroy the earth” thing; and Superman is mad at Batman because Batman is a dick.
- Which is actually keeping in character: Batman has always been a complete dick.
- Batman is the Lou Reed of superheroes: cool, but a dick.
- Besides watching Superman demolish half of Metropolis in Man of Steel, Batman is basing his attack on a dream he had.
- The part of the trailer that’s filmed in color, where Batman is wearing a trenchcoat like he’s Chow Yun Fat?
- That’s a dream.
- Batman builds himself an Iron Man suit and picks a fight with a Kryptonian because of bad math and a bad dream.
- I told you: this man is a moron.
- A more cynical man would say that film–and I have not seen the finished product, of course, and could be wrong about all of this–is merely a $200 million dollar version of a man-child smashing his Mego action figures into one another.
- (You should not do that: Megos are held together with a rubber band. Plus, they are vintage toys and someone would love them if you don’t want them, so do not smash them into each other. Thank you.)
- Amy Adams is back.
- I think that should be the entire marketing message.
- “Amy Adams is BACK!”
- She’s like a baked potato without butter or salt.
- There are many quick shots of super-punching and explosions and rain.
- DC stands for Damp Comic.
- Bullets are caught, by Superman.
- Batman uses the Batarmor to Batkick Superman.
- Then, Wonder Woman shows up, and Ben Affleck says, “I’ve known a few woman like you.”
- And, credit Zack Snyder’s restraint, Wonder Woman does not respond, “Have you? I wonder.”
- That’s a tempting line right there, but good for you Zack: tasteful.
- Then some more shots of Batman in his robot suit kicking Superman’s ass, and it is raining much harder now because DC stands for Downpour, Climactic.
- Diane Lane, who you forgot played Superman’s mother in the last one, drops a coffee cup.
- This is important: here is my prediction.
- Superman dies at the end.
- Justice League forms to keep the world safe in his absence.
- He comes back in the next one.
- If I’m right, everyone remember.
- If not, not.
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