Tag: the daily recounting (Page 1 of 4)

No one expected this.

Enthusiasts, I will confess that I thought it would be far more catastrophic. I thought we’d be in nine more wars, and that the dollar would have long ago eaten its own dick. Basketball Head would be inaugurated in January, and we’d be living in Bartertown by March. Typhoons and hurricanes would switch hemispheres and fuck shit up all year long, glorying in the thrill of the new. Pies–even cobblers and crumbles–would turn bumptious. Your high-school reunion would get rabies. Fierce times coming up.

None of that happened. It’s just been so damn weird.*

The Great White Dope has been talking about buying Greenland for a while, which is normal. He brings it up out-of-nowhere in meetings. Everyone”ll be discussing whatever it is they discuss in those meetings–lunch and Ivanka’s tits, I’m guessing–and the Sheriff of Tard Town will pipe up:

“Where are we on Greenland? We get financing and we’re a ‘go’ on Greenland. That’s what Mitch McConnell told me, and he was very strong in his compliments of me that day, but I would trust him more if we were trying to buy Yellowland. The wife he’s got, yellow lady. You think she walks on his back? All of them do that. You can’t keep them off of there. Pence, why are you crying? Get out of the room!”

And so forth.

The rabble was greatly roused by this news. Memes were created, some dank. In one, Trump stood over a boy pushing a lawnmower: WILL YOU SELL ME GREENLAND? A number of wags tweeted out This is the day Donald Trump became President…of Greenland. News anchors smirked, or agoggled their eyes in disbelief. And, of course, some poor schmuck journalist had to ask the Danish Prime Minister for a comment.

(Greenland is an autonomous country within the Kingdom of Denmark, along with the Faroe Islands, Jutland, and an archipelago of teeny-weeny landfalls in the Baltic Sea. The Kingdom of Denmark is officially history’s most depressing empire.)

She, being Scandinavian and efficient and not used to such foolishness, said,

“What? Of course Donald Trump cannot buy Greenland. Why would you ask me something like this?”

This irritated His Royal Toiletface. The man owns several highly-profitable golf courses! He’d do a great job with Greenland! Who does that little bitch think she is, keeping me from buying Greenland? I’ll show her:

Your grandkids, maybe, are gonna ask you about this shit, and you better not sugarcoat it for ’em:

“Timmy, it was fucked up. Now fetch Pappy his pills.”

 

 

*For those of us not currently hiding under their beds because they thought they saw an ICE van drive down the street.

It’s been a nightmare. Let us not beat around any of multiple bushes. Also, several Bushes died. 2018 has, in fact, been so abhorrent that we need to break it down into smaller, digestible chunks and investigate topics separately.

How was 2018 for…

MEN Not optimal. Men spent their 2018 raping and trying to think up an excuse to say n—-r in public. Black men were shitty to black women, and white guys were shitty to white women (and black women) and Asian dudes all took their dicks out in the food court. Every single human with a penis was dick this year. You and me, too.The only demographic worse than men was…

WOMEN It’s getting tough to respect you, women, when you continue to refuse to murder us all. Have you not cause? Have you not cause a million times over for our swift and bloody demise? We’ve deserved it for thousands of years now, and yet you do not slice our throats while we sleep. Don’t be pussies, women. After all, gender relations are a…

WAR Fabulous year for war. Afghanistan and Iraq get the attention, but the African conflicts are your real comers. Africa is like South America in the 80’s: prime market. All your smart money is moving into Chad. Gonna be huge this year, just like the…

PROBLEM ATTIC Several expansions were made to the Problem Attic in 2018, mainly in the Pussy Grabbin’ and Jew Hatin’ sections, but we all learned an important lesson: the Problem Attic is non-inescapable. Louis C.K. was sent up there four or five times, but keeps slithering out. (He generates his own lubricant.) Kevin Spacey seems to have found a window in the Problem Attic from which he keeps flashing all of us, even those of us on…

BOATS Boats did what boats do in 2018. They bobbed up, they bobbed down, they provided platforms off which one could fish or dump bodies. Boats ain’t never gonna change, bubba. Don’t you go worrying about boats. Wanna worry, you should worry about the…

SKY We broke it.

Happy New Year, everybody!

What the fuck happened today?

A clusterfuck. All the fucks clustered, and joined as one. Additional appropriate euphemisms are shitshow, or hot August night rimjob. A million terrible, stupid things occurred, and each was so terribly stupid and stupidly terrible.

What was the worst?

The trailer for the Men in Black reboot looks subpar.

What was the second-worst?

We’re all gonna die.

Expound upon that.

Turnip just withdrew all the American military forces from Syria via tweet.

Just like MacArthur leaving the Philippines. 

Or Chief Joseph’s farewell speech, yeah.

How many troops are there?

Around 2,000.

That doesn’t seem like a lot.

No, but it’s enough so that the Russians can see them. Remember that Syria is just a continuation of the war that’s been going on since Korea.

I thought the Cold War was over.

You and Fukuyama.

Okay, but isn’t withdrawing troops a good thing?

Not by tweet. Nothing is a good idea if done by tweet. Plus, the troops are apparently not doing shooting people. There are still Isises all over the place, and each needs a good bazooking. Furthermore, these troops presumably hold territory somewhere within Syria and suddenly skeedaddling will leave towns and cities ripe for the fucking. Farthermore, the Kurds have been allied with us in Syria, and leaving them would open them up to slaughter. Again.

Again?

The Kurds could have a nice, little chat with the Blackfoot about how partnering with America works out.

Cool. So pulling out is bad.

Pulling out is for sissies and porn stars. We’re me. We stay in. We stay in and get the job done. Besides, we’re the good guys here.

Are we really?

Of course not. The good guys are the dead poor people. We’re participants in an endeavor. It’s all a big game, except for–as I mentioned–the dead poor people. You can’t leave the table in the middle of a hand. It creates chaos.

Isn’t there already chaos?

No. It’s a war. Everyone involved is a rational actor. But everyone involved is also armed to the tits, so sudden movements are frowned upon. Isis would flare back up, the Israelis would start getting antsy, that chinless fuck Assad would most likely start chucking chlorine bombs at population centers again, Putin laughing spreads his wings; leaving is worse than staying. Peace is the way, and love is the answer, but if we’re talking realpolitik: American troops’ presence cuts down on the production of new dead poor people.

You sure about that?

No. But I know that all those Soldiers and Marines disappearing from the situation as thought snapped away by Thanos would result in utter fuckery.

Can Turtledick do that?

Order troops around? Yeah. It’s, like, his number one power.

Don’t be a turd.

Well, don’t ask grade-school shit, man. President is the Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. military. It was a great notion to have the armed forces under civilian control. Just not this civilian’s control.

Okay, so he ordered a retreat from Syria. This surely didn’t cause a kerfuffle.

It did! Total fuff!

My god, the ker.

The Secretary of Defense, Jim “Don’t Call Me That” Mattis, resigned because of the President’s impetuous move.

Oh, that seems fine and normal.

That’s because you’ve built up a globular and wispy-haired callus over the button on your soul labelled “What the fuck?” This is bad and weird.

Had the Secretary of Defense made it clear to the President that he would resign over this decision?

I don’t know. In fact, I don’t know if it’s possible to make clear to the President anything at all. The man’s a lunkhead.

And how do we feel about Jim Mattis?

Well, he does like dropping bombs on school buses.

School buses full of…?

Children.

Terrorist children?

Children children. Listen, Mattis is a war criminal, but he’s a moderate one. If there’s a centrism to warmongering, then Mad Dog occupies the position. He certainly wasn’t going to reduce the amount of military bullshit the U.S. gets up to, but he didn’t want to invade Tehran. He was trying to mind the store.

And now he’s gone.

And nothing’s gonna bring him back.

At least that was it as far as today’s catastrophes.

Not even close. Toilet Face is gonna shut the government down because Ann Coulter called him a pussy on Fox News.

That seems fine and normal. Is this about his wall?

No one will give him the money, for the sole reason that it is a stupid fucking idea, and so he is throwing a tantrum and refusing to sign a Continuing Resolution that would keep the government funded.

Isn’t it Christmas in a few days?

It is. And the Baboon is going to Florida for 16 days, and most of Congress had already headed home.

God bless us.

Everyone.

What…what happened?

Today?

Yeah. I’m, like, dazed.

It was a biggie. Lot to process. Sudden-forward-motion kind of day.

What’s up with Michael Cohen?

He’s having the lousiest year. When he reaches in his Christmas stocking, there’s gonna be nothing but sad dicks. They’ll writhe in his hand, morosely.

He’s Jewish.

Christmas stocking, Hanukkah pantyhose: whatever. Mr. Cohen has pleadededed guilty to lying to Congress. This is the second charge in four months that he’s copped to, so you can’t even imagine how much stress he’s holding in his shoulders right now.

Lying to Congress?

Yes. In his defense, no one told him that was against the law.

Wasn’t he sworn in?

Sure.

Soooo…he was told lying was against the law.

Technically, the oath only makes you affirm the positive action without clearly delineating the consequences of the negative. And, you know, he went to Cooley Law School. Michael Cohen is terrible at this “law” thing. He was good at filing nuisance suits, and chiseling contractors, and threatening reporters. He was an excellent bagman. Played third base for the Trump Organization softball team. But not great at the actual law part of being a lawyer.

And he lied to Congress.

He did. Right to Congress’ face.

Was it a white lie? Did Congress ask Michael Cohen if Congress looked fat in this dress?

…

Just admit that you’re a goddamned alien.

I AM NOT AN ALIEN.

You know what Congress is, right?

Yes!

What.

A possible receptacle for falsehoods. For starters.

You have no idea what Congress is. You’re an alien from Glib Glob 7, damn you!

Hey! Knock it off! This is about the politics, not the crazy. Don’t be crazy. You, just answer the questions. Alien, just ask the questions.

Not an alien.

Continue, assholes.

Lying to Congress sounds like a “Don’t.”

You have to be elected to lie in the Capitol Building. Everyone else gets fucked dry for it. Tremendously short-sighted idea. Not recommended for any individual without a fake identity, hidden monies, and an interest in travel.

About what topic did Michael Cohen lie to Congress?

I will grant you the traditional three guesses.

The role of the plague in shifting Europe from feudalism to proto-capitalism?

No.

A critical reexamination of Porky’s, with special attention paid to the characters of Ms. Balbricker and Meat?

Also, no. Also: do not critically reexamine Porky’s. Leave that shit in the past where it belongs.

Was it Russia?

Winner winner, vodka dinner. It was Russia. Specifically, a deal to build a 100-story tower filled with luxury condos in the heart of Moscow called the Trump Babushka.

That was not the name.

It was gonna be Trump Tower Moscow or some shit. That’s not the point. What is the point is that Trump has been trying to break into the Russian market for decades. He’s been going over there since the 80’s, and the Russians can be wonderful hosts when they choose to be. Most of the time, they throw hard cheeses at you and chop off your feet, but they can put out a spread if there’s something in it for them. It is generally at this junction in the Trump/Russia story that its tellers begin to become unhitched.

What?

Trump’s semi-regular trips to Moscow are the starting gun of a long and winding tweetstorm that infuckingvariably involve the word kompromat over and over, and there are Russian pop stars and billionaires involves, and then you get to the Mayflower Hotel and there’s all sorts of shenanigans going on at that joint. The CIA, MI6, and the remnants of the KGB all make appearances. Melania may or may not be deep undercover. And, obviously, Eric is a bunch of iguanas glued together.

Oh, no. Down that way lies madness.

Eh. The Russians do be like that.

True. But let’s just return to the evidence and legal filings and stuff that can be printed in the Times.

I have many problems with that publication.

The New York Times has been hated and mocked by its readership for each of its 167 years. Just continue.

Michael Cohen had stated to Congress that all work on the Trumpitage ceased by January of 2016; it had not. Communication between Cohen and Russia–at one point, he was straight-up talking to government officials–went on until June. Cohen also stated that he had not discussed the Russia dealings with Trump. This, too, was slightly other than correct.

Why did he tell these lies?

Because Basketball Head had told those lies. It was a bad look to be colluding with Russia when people were accusing you of colluding with Russia.

True. Now, why did this happen?

Why did Cohen plead guilty today? See, he was dragged into court this morning real sneaky-like. Wasn’t on the docket, but when Robert Mueller asks for five minutes to try out some new material, you give him the microphone. Why the rush? Why not just schedule a hearing?

No idea.

I’m gonna say something and I don’t want you to shoot it down out-of-hand.

Are you about to bring the Illuminati into it?

I don’t to bring them in; they’ve been here forever.

Stop it. Explain the meaning of the event.

Mueller’s sending a signal. I just can’t quite put my finger on what message the signal contains. Or know to whom it is intended. But it’s definitely deep, brother.

Again: stop it.

There are numerous possibilities. Mueller might be daring Turnip to pardon Manafort or Cohen, which would strip their Fifth Amendment protections, and also make Jeff Flake downright perturbed. It may be a warning to other subjects of the investigation that he knows they’ve lied to him. It’s definitely notice that Mueller has every scrap of evidence this bumblers left.

Such as?

Notable in the court filings was the fact that Cohen had discussed the Russia deal with Trump three times between January and April. Not “there were several phone calls” or “more than one, but fewer than six,” but “three.” Lawyers like the ones in the special counsel’s office don’t use numbers willy-nilly. How did they know there were three? Sad Clownberg most likely confessed immediately–I can’t see that schmuck standing up to much interrogation–but Mueller’s not taking his word for it. This man is a lying man. Gotta be evidence if we’re gonna go see the judge. Good thing Mikey taped all his calls with Mr. Trump. That’s some high-grade evidence right there, that’s one-toke shit.

Primo.

Although, this could be a shot across Junior’s bow. Cohen says he discussed the Russia deal with several family members, and there’s no way Ivanka ever got within twenty feet of that sweaty pimpledick, so it must have been Junior. Who–and you’ll find this amusing–denied knowing anything about it when he testified in front of–and this is the part where the amusement kicks in–Congress.

I thought we decided that was a poor decision.

We did, but this is Junior and he gets hard for bad decisions. In fact, it’s the only thing that arouses him any more. Besides shooting animals in the face.

He loves doing that.

HOWEVER, the charges and their jump-scare timing might be aimed directly at King Stumpybrains. He just returned to Mueller’s office his written answers to around 50 questions; this was the negotiated compromise in lieu of a direct deposition, which Trump’s lawyers would under no circumstance allow him to sit for, mostly because no matter what you ask him, he screams stupid lies.

He loves doing that.

Pretty much his defining characteristic. Anyhoo, the special counsel sent over some questions and Trump sent back answers. (You may make your own “crayon” joke, if you wish.) His written responses count as official statements, same as testifying in court, and so deviation from the truth is inadvisable.

Trump is inadvisable. You literally cannot advise him.

True. So Cohen’s sudden plea could be a horse in Donny’s bed. There’s a point behind it, that’s for sure.

How do you know?

Because Robert Mueller did it.

He’s dreamy. Any cherries to throw on top of this shit sundae?

The top three floors of the Trump Tower Moscow were to be made into a penthouse and given as a gift to Putin.

There it is.

I assume you’ve seen it, and yes it is completely unprecedented. Some of you are foreign, or confused, and so you might think that this sort of bullshit had happened before. At no point did any of Lincoln’s Team of Rivals send an unsigned letter to the Washington Gazette claiming that Abe had lost his mind. No, this is new; we stand before unsailed shores like Balboa.

And we could, all-serious and beetle-browed like David Frum, humpher and burble about “Consitutional crisis” this and “25th Amendment” that, but far more fun is to ignore the end of the world and wager heavily, while drinking.

(Seriously: if you haven’t started drinking – why not? You’ll never find a finer excuse than 2018’s fuckery.)

Who wrote the note? Offtrack Betting on the Dead (OtBotD) hereby presents the current odds.

John Kelly 1,000-1 Why was the op-ed written, Enthusiasts? Are we to believe the author that it was conceived from sheer patriotism, spurred on by the example of the late John McCain? Maybe. Could it have been intended as a spark in a paint factory a way to hasten the inevitable ugly end? Also maybe. Was it a highly-cyncial (and effective) distraction from the Kavanaugh hearings? No; that would be like putting your Queen in danger to take a rook. How about someone trying to get someone else fired? Could be, definitely could be.

What all of those explanations require are the author to give a fuck, and John Kelly does not, not any longer. The man’s at least a year past his last fuck, and he spends most of his days in a small graveyard four or five blocks from the White House taking pulls off a pint of banana schnapps and talking to the gravestone for a guy named Chippy Barbuster, who died in 1841. Sometimes, John Kelly takes a nap right on top of Chippy. The groundskeeper tried to chase him off the first time he came by, so John Kelly broke that groundskeeper’s jaw. The two men have reconciled, and John Kelly will on occasion share his banana schnapps.

John Kelly doesn’t give a fuck about his job, his country, himself, anything. The old soldier has faded away. The last thing he wrote was his signature on the credit card machine at the liquor store. He is not the author.

Kellyanne Conway 12-1 Self-serving, deeply cynical, and codependent, the op-ed does fit Kellyanne to a tee; she’s also a prodigious leaker. BUT if she had written the piece, her loudmouth husband would’ve tweeted out some cryptic bullshit already.

Ace Frehley 200-1 Almost certainly not the Spaceman. Don’t even know why he’s on the list, quite frankly.

Jeff Sessions 7-2 PRO: Hates Basketball Head with a fury he had previously reserved for minorities, homosexuals, and dopers. CON: The words y’all, swee’tea, and octaroon appear nowhere in the document.

Steve Mnuchin 10-1 Not Jewy enough.

Betsy Devos 10-1 Too Jewy.

Paul Stanley 200-1 I don’t know who keeps adding members of KISS to this list, but I’m simply positive none of them are involved.

Mike Pence 3-1 Imagine a rat. Now stop imagining. That’s Mike Pence. A scrabbling, unboned shit-eater. But smart and possessed of a great nose. It takes a certain skill to fail upwards as heroically as Mike Pence is and, while he’s dumb as a squirrel’s dick, he’s not stupid. Pence has been reading the polls, and he sees a romperstomper coming up in November. Maybe Mike even believes (as I do) that the GOP will lose the Senate. This will be the moment the emperor’s dong reveals itself to the assembled crowd: they will turn on him like methed-up hyenas.

And Mikey is trying to get out in front of that.

Alternately, it could not be Pence because of this “lodestar” bullshit. The op-ed contains the word towards its end, and it struck most readers as a shiny button on a dull coat. The rest of the writing was boilerplate governmentese, indicating a speechwriter or staffer that was responsible for press releases, but there was that fancy word: lodestar. Just lying there like a killer in the sun.

It turns out that the only person to use that particularly attention-seeking word in the entire administration was Mike Pence, in several speeches over the years. Fuckface certainly doesn’t go dropping “lodestar” into his spiels when he goes out yelling at yokels, and Sloppy Eyes Huckabee doesn’t, either. Stephen Miller said it once, but he thought it was a slur for Guatemalans.

So it’s Pence–or, more correctly, one of his staffers/writers operating at his command–right?

OR did the true author throw in that “lodestar” to incriminate Pence, having done a Lexis/Nexis search for oddball phrasing in the Veep’s speeches? The creator must have known that the word choice and syntax would be analyzed for precedent and pattern, so why include such an obvious tell? Therefore, we can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

James Mattis 8-1 There would have been a story about the battle of Salamis or something. That guy’s, like, obsessed with the military.

Peter Criss 300-1 Whoever keeps suggesting KISS members needs to stop it.

Topo Gigio 100-1 This is a mouse puppet from a million years ago. Maybe ten people remember who Top Gigio is. Who is in charge of adding names to this list?

The Babadook 20-1 IT IS NOT THE FUCKING BABDOOK! And definitely not at 20-1!

Boudica of the Iseni 150-1 Okay, I’m outta here.

A rather cunning bluejay 80-3 

Hello?

Where’d you go?

You can just leave?

Why do I feel like I just got punched?

What’s the last thing you remember?

Checking the news.

There you go.

What the fuck is happening?

Where? There are legitimately a dozen different locations that question applied to today. Senate chambers? House? United Kingdom? Peru?

What happened in Peru?

Llamapocalypse.

I need you to concentrate.

I need you to need me.

Let’s leave the worst for last: what happened in the UK?

Elections.

Ooh, they’re good at those lately. How bad did they fuck themselves this time?

No one quite knows yet, but it looks like there’s a hung Parliament.

Does that have anything to do with–

No, obviously fucking not.

Just asking. What’s a hung Parliament?

Before I answer, let me do this.

NEENOONEENOONEENOO

WHOMPF

Did you just lower the Cones of Without Research?

I did, yeah.

Okee-doke.

Listen, I can’t go back to the news sites. I just can’t. I read all the articles and I’ll try to remember everything the best I can, but I can’t go back there. It’s sticky and I get trapped. I just want to write my little stories about magical fuckups, but there’s just so much fucking news all the fucking time.

…

You all right, champ?

I’m not all right; I’m what’s left.

That sounded a lot more clever in your head, didn’t it?

Yeah.

You wanna get back to politics and whatnot?

Sure.

Hung Parliament.

You need half+one of the House of Commons to have what’s called a majority government. If you don’t get that, then you have a hung Parliament, which requires building a coalition government.

Like in the Knesset or whatever the Italians call their circus?

Right. It’s a good recipe for getting nothing done, and also the exact opposite of what Theresa May wanted.

Start at the beginning.

There were a bunch of muddy druids on a drizzly island. Then, the Romans showed up.

Don’t do that.

Okay, this is the fault of David Cameron.

The guy who fucked the dead pig?

Yes. The modern Disraeli. A few years ago, David was the Prime Minister and in charge of the Conservative Party, which Theresa May also belongs to. He was being pestered from his right about breaking with the EU, mostly by the United Kingdom Independence Party.

It would make sense that they would push for independence.

So, David Cameron–with the self-confidence only available to a mediocre aristocrat–calls for a referendum on leaving the EU. The measure will be soundly defeated, and he’d never have to hear about it again.

How’d that go for him?

Resigned the day after he lost the referendum.

How’s the dead pig taking it?

Not well. The British public had voted to Brexit, but just barely, and now their new Prime Minister was going to have to negotiate the terms of the deal with Brussels. Ms. May was laboring under the delusion that the UK would be allowed to kinda-sorta Brexit, but got humiliated in a leaked meeting; the Europeans have absolutely no sense of humor about the Union. Or if they do, I can’t understand it. They think weird bullshit is funny over there.

Stay on target.

Figuring she’ll need a strong hand at the table, May decided to shoot the moon and increase her power by calling a special election.

You can just call an election?

Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

The sweetest sound I’ve e’er heard.

And a month ago when she called it? She looked like a political genius. Polls showed the Conservatives increasing their seats, and this would give her the mandate necessary to hold Brussels’ feet to the fire.

So what happened?

She didn’t campaign in Michigan and Wisconsin.

Stop that.

The Conservatives’ whole campaign was a shitshow, and the terrorist attacks actually hurt her. Her rival, Jeremy Corbyn, pointed out all the budget cuts in police and security that Ms. May and her party had passed.

Who’s Jeremy Corbyn?

He is the leader of Labour.

That’s a Communistic spelling of that word, and I will not abide by it. Are they like the Democrats?

No, they did well in an election today.

Ba DUM bum.

Well left of the Democrats. Corbyn’s basically a semi-reformed Commie.

And they won?

Kinda.

Yay?

Maybe.

Does this mean the Brexit is off?

No idea.

Is there going to be a new Prime Minister?

Probably.

Any chance it’s Blackadder?

No.

Then I don’t give a shit. What happened in God’s favorite country?

I told you: llamapocalype.

I meant America.

You really think America’s God’s favorite country right now? If I’m God, I’m avoiding our calls.

He has forsaken the US.

We deserve it.

True. So: what happened in the Senate?

Intelligence Committee, plus a confused old man from Arizona who had wandered in the chambers randomly, questioned former FBI Director James Comey.

He slay?

So hard, but it’s been all day with the guy. I’m Comeyed out.

Covfefe?

THAT WAS A MILLION FUCKING YEARS AGO! KEEP UP!

You need to lessen your news consumption.

No, there needs to be less news. Reading it used to take a half-hour a day, and every once in a while there would be an emergency. Now there’s an emergency every half-hour, and it takes all day to read about it.

Can we at least discuss the Republican defense of the President?

There was none. Well, Paul Ryan tried to help.

He’s adorable. What did he say?

“The President’s new to the job, and he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to obstruct justice.”

You’re shitting me.

Hand to God. The rest of the GOP was pretty quiet. The only people speaking for the White House were Trump’s real estate lawyer, who misspelled the word “president” in the first fucking line of his press release, and his ugly little child.

Damien or Shitty?

Damien. He live-tweeted the hearings.

Oh, that’s normal.

Edith Roosevelt did it a couple times.

I heard that.

She was a wild one.

What are the degenerates on Twitter saying?

They cherry-picked a few of Comey’s answers and twisted them around to declare the day a complete vindication for Donny.

Sometimes I envy people who believe in things. They have a purity to them.

It’s the exact same mindset as ISIS.

I know, but there’s fewer decisions to make. Someone tells you where to go, who to hate. Sounds like an easy life.

Yeah, maybe.

You wanna join ISIS?

I don’t have the grades.

What happened in the House?

They repealed Dodd-Frank.

Those motherfuckers.

Still wanna join ISIS?

Even fucking more now.

I was in the bathroom, you see. Left my phone in the living room and brought in Rick Perlstein’s Nixonland. Big old book, and good, too: I may have remained enthroned for a while after completing my business. It was quiet in my bathroom, and cool. The light was good for reading.

And then I emerged to find the internet on fire.

Rod “Rosey” Rosenstein, who is the Deputy Attorney General until tomorrow when Trump fires him via Twitter, has named Robert “I Don’t Have A Nickname” Mueller as Special Counsel in charge of the Russia investigation. Mueller used to be the FBI Director–Dubya appointed him, and then Obama asked him to stay on an additional two years after his ten-year term–and served longer in the role than anyone who wasn’t a secretly homosexual monster.

Plus so much other stuff. So, so much.

Do you know what “persistence hunting” is, Enthusiasts? It’s an ancient way of getting dinner. Humans aren’t very fast compared to, well, every animal that isn’t Mitch McConnell. Can’t catch an antelope, and humans were around for hundreds of thousands of years before we figured out bows and arrows, let alone shotguns, so how can you bring venison home for the family?

Well, we have a secret weapon: endurance. Humans are built for distance, not speed. Legs compress and spring to save energy, and–most importantly–we can sweat. Antelopes, like most animals, expel their excess body heat through panting (like dogs) and this is not as efficacious as sweating. Like I said: humans aren’t fast, but we can keep up a steady jogging pace for days at a time.

(Not you and me, obviously. We’re fat and soft and weak from decadence and luxury. I’m talking about authentic humans here.)

Antelope would sprint a little bit, walk, sprint some more, walk, sprint a little less, walk a little slower, no more sprinting and just walking and around the second or third day of the chase, the overheated and exhausted animal would just collapse. Some of our ancestors had knives made from sharpened stone. Or you could just bash the animal’s head in with a rock.

We are the antelope in this scenario.

Now: this is not due to any sort of strategy. We’re well past the point where any non-biased observer can claim that Basketball Head is playing a long con; he simply has no idea what he’s doing and is flailing about. Once someone asks the FBI Director flat-out to drop a case against him, you can no longer assume intelligence on their part. I’m an unlettered dipshit, and I know not to do that.

Also, I’m not under FBI investigation for colluding with an enemy nation to fix a presidential campaign.

(A note to all of the chuckleheads, sops, and dimwits who feel like chiming in with “But Russia’s not our enemy.” YES, THEY FUCKING ARE. We don’t want to be “friends” with the Russians, because Russia doesn’t have “friends,” just countries that do business with it holding their nose. Fuck Russia forever except for the Flying Karamazov Brothers.)

So now we have a Special Counsel, which used to be called a Special Prosecutor until it was decided that the title was too aggressive. (I actually agree: being assigned your very own prosecutor just looks bad, even if you haven’t done anything. It’s like bringing a defendant into court wearing orange jail pajamas.) Robert Mueller was a Marine who served in Vietnam, and then the head of the criminal division of the DoJ, where he oversaw the Noriega case and Pan Am Flight 103, too.

Robert Mueller put John Gotti in jail.

And he’s got a staff and a budget, and he’s got subpoena power and he can press criminal charges. Oh, and Rosie was pissed when he wrote the brief empaneling Mueller. Check out how big a purview Mueller’s got:

[A]ny links and/or coordination between the Russian government and individuals associated with the campaign of President Donald Trump.

That’s-a spicy purview. Ever seen one so big? That purview is thicc, son.

Where do we go from here? Which is the way that’s clear? What did Ivanka know and when did she know it? All will be revealed in the fullness of time.

This has been the 114th day of our national nightmare; may we wake soon.