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Real-Time Thoughts On The Matrix Sequels, Whatever The Fuck Their Names Are, After Having Consumed Too Many Edibles, Part Two: The Sequel

November 25, 2019 / / 5 Comments
  • This is all bullshit.
  • I should be paid for this.
  • No.
  • Not paid.
  • Lauded.
  • I should be fucking lauded for this service I provide.
  • Why haven’t I been given a MacArthur Genius Grant?
  • They give those things to poets.
  • Poets!
  • I’m not much a man, but I’m better than a poet.
  • Anyway, Trinity and Lawrence Fishburne have gone to see the Oracle, possibly because Lawrence Fishburne remembered that the Oracle was fond of baking cookies.
  • “Anything in that oven, sister?”
  • Keanu is in an unbelievably symbolic subway station.
  • The station is labeled “Mobil Avenue.”
  • Like I said: unbelievably symbolic.
  • Keanu is talking to Indian people, who are refugees.
  • And o so wise and kind.
  • I might have to store my DVD copies of these movies in the Problem Attic, Enthusiasts.
  • Does anyone in the Matrix wear jeans and a tee-shirt?
  • Pair of New Balance sneakers?
  • And why does everyone share an aesthetic?
  • There’s just sort of a uniformity to everyone’s uniforms.
  • I wish one member of Keanu’s crew was in, like, hippie-wear.
  • Tank-top, yoga pants, Birks.
  • Fuck, the French Satan guy is back, and he’s talking again.
  • His tie knot is daunting.

  • My God.
  • Decent Christian doesn’t knot his tie like that.
  • Says something about a man fixes his cravat in such a fashion.
  • A guy with a necktie like that is a guy you shouldn’t play baccarat with.
  • Wait.
  • Hold on.

  • Turn your brightness way up; trust me.
  • Keanu’s knot is every bit as complicated as Satanic Frenchie’s.
  • Actually, y’know what?
  • Don’t trust me.

  • TRUST MY EDITING SKILLS, BITCHES.
  • I lightened that shit for you!
  • Three, maybe four clicks rightwards.
  • Because, as you may remember, the Matrix sequels are dark, miserable slogs of gray, brown, and almost-black.
  • So I brightened that shit for you.
  • That was the last in a list of tasks I undertook for your entertainment.
  • I had to open up Netflix on my laptop.
  • Find a good shot of Keanu.
  • Screenshot it, which requires both hands and is therefore exhausting.
  • And I won’t bore you with all the details, but there was more clicking after that.
  • Waaaaaay more clicking and fiddling than I’d prefer to do.
  • But I did it, and I did it for you.
  • A non-zero possibility exists that this will be the first time I’ve sat all the way through Matrix: Rubberbabybuggybumpers. 
  • I did not see the film in the theaters, despite having eagerly attended the second installment just months prior.
  • The Matrix snuck up on everyone.
  • It was released in 1999, when everyone had heard of the internet, but no one knew quite what it was; there was far less movie gossip than there is now.
  • Trailers were only seen at movie theaters, plus teevee commercials and print ads.
  • That was it.
  • No teasers, followed by reaction videos, then frame-by-frame breakdown, then articles on varying theories, then set photos, then articles on varying theories based on the set photos, then a set of memes, then a new trailer and we go around the merry-go-round until the film is released, by which point everyone’s entirely sick of it.
  • Memory, as always, is a stumbling dance partner, but I specifically recall not having heard anything of this Keanu Reeves picture I ventured out to Pasadena to see with old college friends.
  • The billboards were up on Sunset Boulevard, and I had seen them as I drove past over and over again.
  • Green bullshit.
  • The digital nonsense, you know.
  • But otherwise I went in cold, and you can call The Matrix Ted Wiliams, because it came out of left-field.
  • Knocked the crowd’s socks right off.
  • Halfway through the picture, there’s a giant pile of socks by the popcorn counter.
  • Which is a fire hazard, but attests to how well the movie played.
  • And so it made a billion dollars and inspired the cultural aesthetic for a few years and, of course, spawned a sequel.
  • Two, in fact.
  • Because “trilogy” is the base unit for franchises.
  • This was going to be the new Star Wars.
  • Instead, it was the Prequels.
  • Because the Wachowskis did what George Lucas did, which is disappear up their own ass only to crow about the smell, and not what George Lucas did, which is “let other people write and direct.”
  • 1980’s George Lucas hired much better directors than 2000’s George Lucas.
  • A fresh eye may have done.
  • Because the Wachowskis did not understand what viewers enjoyed about the film.
  • The first movie had razor-sharp fight scenes that moved the plot along.
  • Where as in this, the third film, I have been watching a guy who looks to be Maori in an War Machine shoot robot squids in the face for, like, fifteen minutes now.
  • Why?
  • I dunno.
  • Good for the economy, I guess.
  • The Sequels also make the mistake of the Prequels in thinking that I care about newly-introduced characters.
  • Empire and Jedi each brought fresh friends and enemies on board, but mostly stuck with the same Farm Boy, Knight Errant, Princess, and Dark Wizard that we fell in love with in Star Wars.
  • Not Matrix: Redondobeach.
  • Long stretches of time with the Maori guy and some kid and Jada Pickle-Smith and assorted other randos.
  • Plus a guy who’s not Joe Morton.
  • He’s, like, a general?
  • Everyone’s wearing sweaters, so it’s hard to tell rank.
  • He shouts at Lawrence Fishburne.
  • He’s a black guy, but he’s not Joe Morton.
  • Many black guys, in fact, are not Joe Morton.
  • Maybe even most.
  • …
  • Henry Lennix.
  • The gentleman’s name is Henry Lennix.
  • In my defense, Joe Morton could’ve slaughtered this role.
  • It’s right in the Joe Morton wheelhouse.
  • Man’s got range.
  • Ugh, what’s going on?
  • They’re flying in their ship, which is not cool like the Millennium Falcon, but instead a school bus covered in bug zappers, and it’s all so dour.
  • The colors are downright Zack-Snyderific.
  • Am I misremembering The Matrix?
  • The original?
  • Were there repeated scenes of people standing in lazy medium shots talking about stuff?
  • STOP TALKING ABOUT STUFF.
  • DO STUFF.
  • Wait.
  • Not this stuff.
  • Keanu and Trinity are doing stuff, and I don’t like it.
  • Somewhere along the way, Keanu has been blinded.
  • I missed that.
  • Trinity’s got a hell of a face.
  • Go a long way in this world with that face.
  • Gotta be careful with it, though.
  • Moisturize.
  • Exfoliate.
  • Don’t leave it on the bus.
  • Plus, Trinity is Canadian, so she has to get her face through Customs.
  • Lotta responsibility having a face like that.
  • Anyway, she’s been dying for ten minutes.
  • This is the longest death scene since Pee-Wee Herman in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
  • What do you mean, you’re unfamiliar with Pee-Wee Herman’s legendary death scene in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

  • You’re welcome.
  • I do and I do and I do for you.
  • Keanu, having gone to the Source, is now talking to Computer God.
  • He wants to be plugged back into the Matrix so he can have a fist-fight with Agent Smith.
  • The movie throws all sorts of bullshit at you about why, but it’s an action movie and there needs to be a fist-fight at the end.
  • It is raining, and the motion is very slow.
  • All of the fu is of the kung type; this fu has been thoroughly kunged.
  • Why are they punching?
  • Doesn’t Keanu have to reintegrate with the Source in order for the Seventh Rebirth of Zion to takeOH I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS ANYMORE.
  • Why won’t these two stop bickering?
  • The roughhousing is out of hand.
  • Just get it over with, Keanu.
  • Or Hugo WeavingEXCEPT JESUS GOD NO HUGO WEAVING IS YELLING PHILOSOPHY AT KEANU.
  • I’m dying here.
  • I’m hungry and I hate the Matrix and the two pretty men won’t stop striking one another.
  • Kill the bad guy and let me be, Matrix: Riefenstahl.
  • Is Computer God eating Keanu?
  • I’m not objecting to it, just asking.
  • The squidbots all stop trying to fuck up Zion.
  • Yay?
  • In The Matrix, Keanu promises to set everyone free, but in the Sequels, he just saves a squat punk commune.
  • Ooh, the Magic White Guy and the Magic Black Lady are having an ambiguous conversation.
  • That means it’s over.
  • It’s gotta be over.
  • Be over.
  • Die, goddamn you.

Real-Time Thoughts On The Matrix Sequels, Whatever The Fuck Their Names Are, After Having Consumed Too Many Edibles

November 24, 2019 / / 5 Comments
  • Ooh, the green bullshit.
  • Digi-zop, digi-zap.
  • Remember the green bullshit from the first one that you loved?
  • Here’s more.
  • And remember that film-opening action scene with Trinity you loved?
  • Here’s more.
  • Perhaps the Matrix sequels can be read as commentary on the state of sequeldom.
  • Or seen more plainly as the mixed-up files of two directors who had taken too many mushrooms and not been given enough time.
  • (Although, having seen most of the rest of the Wachowskis’ oeuvre, a lack of time may not have been the problem.)
  • Carrie-Anne Moss’ face should be carved on the front of pirate ships.
  • Okay, so apparently Neo and Trinity and Lawrence Fishburne have returned to Zion.
  • Wait.
  • No they haven’t.
  • They met the other pilots in the Matrix to discuss going back to Zion.
  • In the Real World, everyone’s in their hover-ships patrolling through the Desert of the Real.
  • Meeting in the Matrix is kinda like a group chat.
  • Or Second Life.
  • Remember Second Life?
  • There are probably tens of thousands of people in Second Life right now.
  • Wait.
  • Shush.
  • Keanu’s fighting Agents.
  • And then flying away in a PS3 cutscene.
  • From a CGI perspective, 2003 was a very long time ago.
  • The ships look good, and so does the massive dock set.
  • My, this is dramatic.
  • This movie is trying to be Star Wars as hard as it can right now.
  • All the shirts without collars, and vests.
  • They have not gone Full Star Wars and put Lawrence Fishburne in a cape, but maybe they should have.
  • The Matrix came out in 1999, and Restitution and Recompulsion came out in 2003; in the years between, Lawrence Fishburne sat in his kitchen and ate cake.
  • People brought it to him–his family, friends, business associates–and he ate it.
  • Angel’s food, devil’s food, ice cream.
  • The man sat there and ate cake.
  • And he’s being yelled at by a black superior.
  • Heroes in action movies get yelled at by black superiors.
  • Black heroes in action movies will occasionally be yelled at by Joe Pantoliano, but usually black heroes get yelled at by black guys, too.
  • Hey, it’s Patrick McGoohan.
  • Ugh, The Prisoner.
  • Yeah, yeah, you’re into the occult and you love The Prisoner.

  • Y’know what?
  • I’m calling that a cape.
  • A declaration of capitude has been issued.
  • The Wachowskis have gone Full Star Wars.
  • Oh, Lord, there is a rave.
  • 100 years into the future, early 2000’s EDM will be still be fashionable.
  • HUMPING.
  • SEXUAL HUMPING WITH KEANU AND LADY KEANU.
  • Goodness, is this the movie with the kung fu and the robots?
  • Why is there Burning Man in my gun-fighting picture?
  • NIPPLES?
  • Jesus Christ, I find this disreputable.
  • Disreputable as hell.
  • Think you’re getting involved with a decent picture, a family picture, and now it’s Sodom and Gomorrah up there.
  • And a male butt crack?
  • Someone throw eggs at the producers of this film.
  • How dare you?
  • Hey, Patrick McGoohan’s back.
  • The Prisoner was a BBC series from the 60’s or 70’s, back when the BBC would air drug-soaked nonsense, and the show was full of occult references and mystery bullshit, and all the British comic book writers of the era loved it: Alan Moore, Warren Ellis, Grant Morrison.
  • Especially that last guy.
  • Go buy this; you’ll thank me.
  • We’ll get back to Grant Morrison; Keanu is fighting.
  • Knick!
  • Knack!
  • Paddywhack!
  • So much kicking and slapping and sturming and dranging.
  • Keanu has earned the respect of the Kung Fu Chinaman, and is now taken to the Oracle, who is literally a Magical Negro.
  • A racial reading of these films is thus: POC help a clueless white boy do the thing he’s supposed to do.
  • However, Keanu transcends race.
  • And why think when you can watch him fight Hugo Weaving?
  • MOVIE I WOULD PAY TO SEE: Karate Robots voiced by Hugo Weaving and James Spader; they fight a little bit, just enough to keep things interesting, but mostly they just bitchily fling dialogue back and forth.
  • Ugh, they’re fighting again down in the Uncanny Valley.
  • Stop that!
  • Knock it off down there?
  • It’s Keanu versus a hundred Hugo Weavings and everything’s stupid and rubbery and Keanu’s a literal god in this universe so him having a fist-fight doesn’t make any sense.
  • Nonsense, all of it.
  • None of this is sensical.
  • The effects aren’t finished.
  • This was not the best they could have done in 2003.
  • The best they could have done in 2003 was remove from the film the shots in which Keanu looks as though he were rendered on a TRS-80.
  • Wow.
  • My emojis have better rendering than this now.
  • Matrix: Rehabilitations, your render rate is sub-fucking-par, and I call you out on that shit.
  • Oy vey, Patrick McGoohan again.
  • We get it, guys.
  • All hail Eris.
  • The humans have some sort of ruling council, and Cornel West is part of it.
  • Cornel West wants Jada Pinkett-Smith to go find Lawrence Fishburne.
  • And he wants Obama to go fuck himself.
  • Whatever Cornel West wants, he also wants Obama to go fuck himself.
  • It’s like how Cato the Elder was with Carthage.
  • Back in the Matrix at a restaurant where Eurotrash hang out.
  • A guy with a very French face and Monica Belluci and her very Italian boobs are there, and he says stuff.
  • Deep stuff.
  • Deeeeeeeeeeeeep stuff.
  • Post-structuralism, the Lost Head of John the Baptist, and the Myth of Persephone.
  •  Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
  • Was he the Devil?
  • If Monica Belluci is Persephone, then that would make the French guy Hades, who is not the Devil but close enough.
  • That is racist to make the devil French.
  • French people cannot help themselves from acting that way.
  • The Devil has spooky-ghosts?
  • Oh, are you fighting again, Keanu?
  • You stopped the bullets from a dozen men’s guns.
  • Surely you can Force Shove them all out of the room.
  • Why are you somersaulting?
  • You can fly.
  • Just hover or shit.
  • Or choke their carotids.
  • A dozen high-caliber bullets is a lot of force.
  • Mass times acceleration and all.
  • That is more than enough potential energy to stop off your enemies’ arteries.
  • Now Trinity is fighting the spooky-ghost, and that makes sense because she does not have super-powers in the Matrix.
  • I mean, she does, but not Keanu-level.
  • She cannot, for example, fly at 6,000 mph.
  • So she has to become involved in a rather perilous car chase.
  • Trinity and Lawrence Fishburne lure the spooky-ghosts onto the freeway.
  • They are twins who are albinos.
  • Albinism is the spookiest of all skin conditions.
  • Port-wine stains: NOT SPOOKY.
  • Eczema: NOT SPOOKY.
  • Albinos: SPOOKY, INDEED.
  • Sorry, albinos.
  • Just the way it goes.
  • I’m not saying you should be discriminated against.
  • I am only asking that you not sneak up on me.
  • They built a whole freeway for this scene, a quarter-mile loop that stunt drivers got their cars up to speed on.
  •  Trinity’s stunt double had to slalom her motorcycle through oncoming traffic, but Lawrence Fishburne got to do his fight scene in a studio and let them green screen it onto the top of a moving truck later.
  • This duel is slower than the one from the first movie, cuz Lawrence Fishburne is fatter.
  • That red pill was an M&M, and there were a couple more bags hidden in his leather duster.
  • Crueler directors would have foleyed in the sound of huffing and puffing, but the Wachowskis do not do this.
  • Now a Chinese guy is sitting in a chair saying deep shit.
  • This is a problem the Matrix sequels shared with the Star Wars Prequels: they leaned on interminable scenes of people sitting in chairs saying stuff.
  • Oh, now Keanu and Trinity are sitting on a bed saying stuff.
  • Shut the fuck up, Matrix.
  • This movie won’t stop talking.
  • Now they’re interlacing shots of Jada Picnic-Smith kicking cops in the face over the talking, but the talking won’t stop.
  • Wait.
  • No.
  • A power station just exploded.
  • Is there a heist?
  • Keanu, Lawrence Fishburne, and a Chinese guy are in some sort of hallway, but now Trinity has to drive a Ducati into the 60th floor of a skyscraper.
  • Sweet Moses, there are Smiths coming out of every door!
  • Why doesn’t Keanu just…
  • …
  • …
  • …
  • …I’m tired.
  • Matrix: Rabbitredux, you have wearied me.
  • Why is Superman sparring with Stormtroopers?
  • Just chop their heads off with your mind control ray-beams, you freaky monster.
  • Ah!
  • Colonel Sanders in a Best Buy!
  • The Architect is the boss of the Matrix, I suppose, and he mumbos and jumbos for a while.
  • Various illuminated themes are brought up, admired, discarded.
  • Is it admirable that the Wachowskis got Gnostic philosophy in a major motion picture?
  • Sure.
  • It is entertaining?
  • OH MY GOD NO
  • STOP EXPLAINING THE NATURE OF GOD, MOVIE
  • You’re not good at it.
  • Robert Anton Wilson was better, and he had more dick jokes.
  • The Architect just told Keanu that he could save the world or his girlfriend.
  • Which astute viewers will note is the choice given Spider-Man by the Green Goblin in the first Sam Raimi flick.
  • You hear a lot of big words being thrown around by characters in clean clothes, and so you think these are smart movies, but they aren’t.
  • For example, right now on the screen Keanu is bringing Trinity back to life with the power of love.
  • Astute viewers will note that Superman did the same thing in his first film, although much more extravagantly.
  • Superman turned the clock back on all of reality by a few minutes.
  • Keanu just reached into Trinity’s chest and tweaked her heart.
  • Much more low-key Jesus figure.
  • So, uh, our heroes and the guy who was in the wheelchair on Oz are back in their dingy little ship and maybe the squids blew it up?
  • I think the ship blew up.
  • I may have underestimated the potency of these edibles.
  • Cuz I got no idea what the fuck’s happening in this movie.
  • Keanu is electrocuting squids with his voodoo powers, I know that.
  • For fuck’s sake, everyone’s sitting around talking again.
  • Talkies were a mistake.
  • Harold Lloyd was right.
  • And now some Rage Against The Machine.
  • Remember the Rage bullshit that you loved from the first one?
  • Here’s more.

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