Heeeeey, Tilikum.
“Oh, fuck you.”
How are you, buddy?
“Dead.”
Yeah. Sorry about that.
“Sorry about what?”
Literally everything. Your whole life.
“Uh-huh.”
Our bad. 100% our bad.
“Two legs bad, no legs good.”
Understandable sentiment. Again: I am not disagreeing with you. This one’s on humanity. We should stop doing what we did to you.
“Do you know that killer whales are the only natural predator of the great white shark?”
Yeah, actually I did. Read it on Wikipedia.
“Me, too.”
…
I’m sorry you never got a chance to murder a great white, Tilikum.
“I mean: how metal does that sound?”
Incredibly. But, hey: you killed a couple of people.
“Pssh. Humans. Stairs kill humans.”
We’re both oddly resilient and weirdly fragile. So, Famous Animal Heaven?
“Yup.”
How is it up there?
“Did you know Mister Ed was gay?”
No idea.
“Rin Tin Tin, too.”
Oh.
“And the Taco Bell dog.”
He died?
“Yes. And he’s gay.”
Okay. Let’s just say that all the famous dead animals from show biz are gay, and move on.
“They’re not all gay. You ever hear of Mr. Jiggs?”
Oh, don’t bring poor Mr. Jiggs into this.
“That monkey is all about the puss.”
Ew. And he’s an ape.
“He’s a goddamned chain-smoker is what he is. I can smell it through the water. Hey, lemme ask you a question.”
Go ahead.
“And when I ask this question, the antecedent for the pronoun ‘you’ is ‘humanity.’ I’m using ‘you’ in a non-specific formulation. I mean your species.”
Gotcha. Shoot.
“You taught a monkey to smoke?”
We did.
“A follow-up question, and I’m going to continue using ‘you’ to represent all of humanity.”
I understand.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
No idea.
“You’re the only species that pulls this shit.”
We are.
“Everything you touch dies, but it suffers first.”
Yeah.
“You’re not even nice to yourselves.”
No. Not at all.
…
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
No idea.
“Ugh.”
Can’t argue with that.
“Harambe hates you fuckers.”
Oh, yeah: Harambe. Totally forgot about him.
“That’s why he hates you. Well, and the sniping. And the life in the zoo. Harambe hates you for a lot of things, but now you’ve turned him into a washed-up celebrity.”
Insult to injury.
“They called him to do Dancing with the Stars last week; he’s been drinking ever since.”
What do gorillas drink?
“Manhattans.”
Sure.
“Sloppy bitch.”
Well, I just hope you make some friends. Sorry you’re dead.
“Hey, look at it this way: I didn’t have to see that asshole become president.”
Lucky bastard.
“See you soon.”
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