Jesus!
“Where? I love that guy.”
He’s not here. You startled me.
“My faith makes me stealthy.”
You’re like a ninja for Christ.
“And a samurai. And a Zulu. And a Saracen. All the foreign warriors. Knights, too. We forget that knights are a foreign thing sometimes, but there were no knights in America.”
Why are you back, Tim Tebow?
“You didn’t finish teaching me about the Foul Act.”
You mean sex?
“Yeah, the Foul Act.”
Why are you capitalizing that?
“That’s how my grandmother taught me. The woman had 28 grandchildren and one of ’em along the way mispronounced ‘grandma’ and ‘greebo,’ and so she was Greebo Tebow. She was 120 years old and weighed 35 pounds, and she would cackle a lot and whack everyone with her stick. Not nicely. Greebo Tebow would aim for the skull. She taught us all about the demons in our pants.”
There are no demons in your pants.
“You can’t prove that.”
Technically, no, I can’t.
“Point: the Christian God.
I need you to stay on target, buddy. You’re a wildly-naive 31-year-old Heisman winner/virgin about to marry a former Miss Universe, and you’re nervous about your wedding night.
“I also have a cologne coming out in March. It’s called Beseech by Tim.”
Great. And I was walking you through the physical part of the evening with…
GOOGLING A RIDICULOUS NAME NOISE
…Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters.
“Her name is so beautiful that it couldn’t be expressed in only two words.”
If you say so.
“She’s hot, too.”
She’s an attractive woman.
“Great body.”
She keeps herself in shape.
“I want to grasp onto it. With my hands? And shake her back and forth. Not too hard. Then slough her skin for mites. Hard. I wanna slough her so hard. Really get in there.”
What the hell are you talking about?
“I wanna put my nose in her ear.”
Stop it. I told you what to do.
“Right. I forgot. I was thinking about Jesus.”
What did I tell you?
“First is kissing. Then, bosoms. Don’t honk them. Vagina is next. Do stuff to it.”
What kind of stuff?
“Sudden stuff.”
No.
“Chuck a football at it.”
God, no. Although, you’d probably miss.
“That hurt.”
You’re won the Heisman and now you’re marrying a beauty queen; you beat me at life. Take a joke.
“Would you like to pray about your failures with me?”
You want my help or not?
“Yes, I do. What happens after I manipulate her nethers?”
By this point, you will have an erection.
“I don’t know what that means.”
Your monkey will have climbed the tree.
“Oh, sure. That makes sense.”
So you stick your monkey in her.
“Wild. Will she mind that I do so? I would be pissed if someone’s monkey was in me.”
She will welcome you.
“Awesome. How sharp are the teeth?”
There are no teeth.
“I have been informed by a great many parties of varying disinterest that ladies’ forests have teeth in them.”
You have been misinformed.
“Like the Sarlaac.”
Right. I know the Sarlaac. That is not what vaginas look like. If you ever see one that does, run.
“No teeth?”
Not a single bicuspid.
“And the unholy clamping?”
The what now?
“Sometimes women will clamp down on your monkey and hold you there while they turn into a goblin and eat your face.”
That’s a succubus. You’re talking about a succubus. Your fiancée is not a succubus.
“Banshee?”
She is no form of female-presenting demon. She seems like a sweet girl.
“She is! I’m just so dang nervous. I wish we could get the wedding night over with and just go straight to the honeymoon.”
What are you two doing?
“Charity work. We’re going to Laos to circumcise children.”
How are you allowed to do that? You don’t have any medical training.
“Well, usually we go to the Philippines to set up our outreach program. In the Philippines, all white people are legally doctors.”
That’s not right.
“I did a couple of eye operations last time I was there.”
You really shouldn’t.
“Not even out in the boondocks. I had a storefront practice in Manila City. Nurse, office staff, the whole deal. We got robbed and the nurses and staff were murdered, so we’re gonna try Laos. Those kids are way too poor to have foreskins.”
What?
“Think about how blessed by the Lord we are here in America. It’s God’s love that provides us with the plenty that allows us to choose whether or not we want foreskins. And He gives us the jets that fly us to Laos so that we might bring His Word and remove a burden from the poor. ‘Here, brother. Let me take that for you, as it looks heavy.’ You also bathe the area with saline solution, as to lessen the chance of infection.”
I’m gonna pretend like that made sense. Can we get back to the sex?
“Okay.”
Where were we?
“The monkey went into the forest.”
Right. Now comes the humping.
“Fun word.”
Fun activity. You’re gonna love it.
“How do I do it?”
Thrust.
“Should I be headbutting her while this is happening?”
No.
“Not even to get her all psyched up?”
Don’t headbutt your wife. It is at this point that we must discuss positions.
“I’m against abortion.”
I meant sexual positions.
“Answer is still relevant.”
Physical positioning on a bed. I mean, you can have sex anywhere, but you two are gonna be in a bed.
“Our wedding bed will be both holy and obtained through doing an ad for a furniture store on Instagram.”
Great.
“How many positions are there? Is one of the positions ‘Being Thankful for Jesus?’ Because I gotta be honest: I’m almost always in that position. Call the sex cops!”
Are you done?
“Yes.”
Thank you. Let’s see, you got missionary, cowgirl, reverse-cowgirl, doggystyle. There’s a new one where the guy holds the chick upside down and porks her with a downward dong.
“Greebo Tebow was right! All of those sound like Foul Acts!”
No, you’ll like ’em.
“What are they?”
Missionary is when the guy is on top.
“Of the world?”
No, of–
“Of the pops?”
“Stop interrupt–
“Of the morning to ya?”
…
Of the woman.
“Ohhhh.”
We’re speaking heteronormatively, of course.
“I have no idea what that means, but I instinctively reject its insinuations.”
The lady is laying supine on the bed. She parts her legs as to allow ingress. The man assumes a push-up like stance above her. He pierces, he pierces in vain. Her hand is on his back in the same spot it always is. She marveled at their sexual routine, inviolable and undiscussable, and envied him his simple orgasms and simple thoughts. There were to be 30 more pumps, and now 20, he huffs in a throaty way, we are ten, nine, eight from the end, and he buries his face into her hair that has pooled on the pillow, two one JACKPOT and he will nuzzle. He will never not nuzzle. He is a kind man, and he loves her, and she is fucking a guy from the supermarket who lifts weights.
“Excuse me.”
Mm?
“What are you talking about?”
Love, baby.
“You got weird. I’m gonna go.”
Ah, knock it off.
…
Tim?
…
Dammit, how is he able to leave like that?
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