Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: trey anastasio (Page 7 of 9)

A Phish FAQ For Deadheads

Tell me about Phish

They’re a rock band from Vermont that relies heavily on improvisation and the audience being on drugs.

What kind of music do they play?

It’s tough to pin it down, but the overriding genre is “music for white people to hug strangers to.”

Why can’t we do these FAQs without you being a douche?

Fine. Phish sounds like Phish, to be honest. I guess you can hear some Talking Heads in there, or some Beatles, but mostly they just sound like themselves. Which makes them a Great Band.

And that phrase is capitalized because..?

Because it’s my Theory of Rock Band Greatness: a truly Great Band could play, say, Louie Louis or Wild Thing or any other of those rock and roll standards–without vocals–and you would recognize their sound within a couple of chord changes. Ramones, Stones, Dead: you can hear how they’d play it your head, right?

Which brings us to the Dead.

Borne ceaselessly into the past, we are.

What do the Dead and Phish have in common?

Numerous strains of herpe, one ex-wife, an accountant, and the legal inability to visit Japan.

They also have a similar gestalt and demographic and niche in American society.

Thank you.

Also like the Dead, their records suck and they’re goofy-looking.

Surely, they have a Bobby.

They do not have a Bobby.

Tough to make it in this world without a Bobby in the band.

And the drummer wears a dress.

Does he rock that shit in a Beyonce-like fashion?

In no way, shape, or form.

I need you two fuckwits to concentrate. Comparing the Dead to Phish on the internet is dangerous territory. All of the jamband-related forums look like the Somme.

Nice segue, Bro Namath.

Do not call me that.

So: Trey Anastasio playing with the Dead. First off, who’s Trey Anastasio?

He is a ginger guitarist.

He any good?

Fuck yeah: hair as red as it could be.

I meant at the guitar.

Oh, yeah. Old school guitar god. Sometimes his guitar’s like MWAH and sometimes he goes mEEEp and other times he’s all DEEDELEELEEDEEDLEE. And if you let him, he’ll solo from now until the heat-death of the universe.

And that is different from Garcia in which way?

Oh, in no substantial way at all. Stylistically, they’re nothing alike, but that’s just the minor choices. Stupidly complicated custom guitar, beard, lust for opiates: pretty much the same guy.

Okay.

Although, to be fair: Garcia preferred to smoke his opiates, while Trey liked pills.

Noted. Irrelevant, but noted. So what’s the problem?

It mostly stems from people being dicks. Or dummies. Or silly gooses. Any number of things, really. Some longtime Deadheads don’t think Trey’s good enough, or Fake Jerry enough, or whatever lunatics come up with to rationalize their shouting. There are Phish Persons that think this is distracting Trey, even though they were taking it slow this year, anyway. There are also a group of young white men in the corner wearing “Rand Paul ’16” buttons and yelling about the gold standard, but they’re twits, so let’s ignore them.

Anything else?

Some Deadheads have a view of Phish Persons as trust fundamentalists who will buy up the tickets and attend just to see Trey, not knowing every word to every song , or being able to recite set lists from heart, or having given a tugger to Brent.

Sounds a bit like status game bullshit and cliquish snobbery to me. Why are they doing that?

They’re human. It’s how we occupy our time between shows.

Right.

What’s with the WOOing?

Phish Persons are like Ric Flair mated with a beagle. It’s just the sound they make when they’re happy or sad or cold or vengeful.  WOOs mean different things at different times: it’s a very high-context culture.

Sell Outs

Other bands can still sell out the big rooms.

deadbobbyfinger

The Stones can still do it, I suppose. Metallica. U2.

phil drunk 80s bird

Tickets get snatched up quickly.

billy finger

Maybe they’ll even add a second show.

bruce finger

Probably not a third.

trey finger

But I’m gonna bet they can’t sell out three shows before the tickets even go on sale.

deadbandphilfinger

(Oh, and did I mention that people had to find envelopes and stamps and remember what the hell a money order was?)

Jerry Garcia Flipping the Bird

The Boys play stadiums because there’s nothing larger.

One Of Us, One Of Us

treymug1

Well, you’ve got all the requirements necessary to be a Grateful Dead, I suppose.

“I’m not proud of that.”

You do look so sad.

“So sad.”

Yeah. What were you doing, anyway? Were you smoking heroin off of tin foil, but using this elaborate terminology to make it seem cooler than it was?

“No. Fuck, no. I was just eating pills. That…that sounds like some pathetic junkie bullshit right there.”

You might want to rephrase that thought.

“Oh. Right. Um…”

I’ll let it slide as long as you pretend like you just can’t learn Victim or the Crime.

“Done.”

Chillin' The Most

trey kid rock

“Hey, TotD!”

Umm…hey, Trey.

“Look who I asked to join the Dead!”

You did what now?

“I asked Kid Rock to join the Dead. Everybody’s in the Dead, yay!”

Can I talk to you alone for a minute, please?

“Well, I’m talking to my new band member, Kid, here.”

Come talk to me or I’ll strike you.

“Okay.”

This stops here.

“What?”

First of all, it’s bad enough those idiots are self-aware and I have to talk to them; I’m not talking to the Phishes, too.

“Y’know, your tone is getting on my nerves a little.”

It is? Would you rather talk to, like, every other person on the internet about this? Trust me: I’m the closest thing to a friend you got from now til July 6th.

“You might have a point.”

No inviting people to join the Dead.

“Bobby is!”

He’s not allowed to! Bobby’s been calling audibles for fifty years now, and it’s getting worse lately: he tried to fill a Vicodin scrip at Starbucks last week.

“I’ve done that.”

Yeah. So: no more invites. Also…Kid Rock? Jesus, man.

“He’s my friend.’

Don’t make your problems everyone else’s.

Rules, Radicals

Every culture has its own inviolable rules of hospitality and that is a good thing. Each participant in the visit has certain responsibilities and roles to play, and in the knowledge of this, can relax and know that they may avoid disrespecting their host (and embarrassing themselves) simply by following the rules.

In Asian and Scandinavian countries, shoes must be removed before one enters a home. In Paraguay, though, the host and guest exchange shoes for the length of their time together. In Moldova, people just hit each other with their boots in the town square. (There is very little to do other than drink and inbreed in Moldova.)

In the West, it is natural and polite to compliment your host on his or her taste on home furnishing, even if the place looks like a meth lab. In Arab cultures, telling your host how much you like a painting will obligate him to make a gift of it to you, so if you’re ever at a party in Yemen, make sure you tell the guy who owns the place that everything looks like shit. He’ll thank you for it.

As there might be some of what might be called “Phish persons” making their way to the Farewell Shows, TotD has taken it upon himself to let our “phriends” (get it?) in on some of the things that might not fly at Soldier Field.

  • No throwing glowsticks. In fact, Soldier Field will be outfitted with an AEGIS-class targeting system to instantly triangulate the thrower of any glowstick hurled aloft, and then shoot that person in the asshole with a laser beam.
  • Leaning over to your neighbor and saying, “Phil would look a lot better with a Hermes scarf, dontcha think?” is not okay.
  • The drummers will both be wearing men’s clothes. They’re crazy, not weirdos.
  • Don’t bother Bill Walton. (This is actually for your own good. He will start telling stories about the time Coach Wooden taught him how to please a woman.)
  • Don’t touch Spinners. They’re a long story. Just don’t touch them.
  • Please conform to Deadhead bathroom protocol: at the urinals, peer over at your neighbor’s penis, and say “Tell you what, pardner: that shlong don’t have no mercy in this land, know’m saying?” And then he’ll be your friend.
  • If you are in the lady’s room, merely compliment the penis of the woman at the urinal next to you.
  • If Mickey throws you his towel, you have to give him your Coca-Cola. Those are the rules: I didn’t make them up.
  • Deadheads and cops–over years of coexistence–have developed this little game where hippies sprint at them, and try to steal their guns. Trust me: they love that game. Try it.
  • Molly’s adorable, but it’s a Dead show: take some acid like a grown-up. The only people who take molly by itself are Gaysians in speedos at EDM festivals.
  • Don’t be alarmed when Bobby starts to play slide guitar; it’s supposed to sound like that.
  • Leave your WOO’s at home. Not kidding on this one. Time and a place, junior, and this is neither. I don’t want to hear that syllable at all. Someone asks you your favorite Chinese action movie director, think up someone other than John Woo. A stranger wants to know which Tang it is no one’s supposed to fuck with? Walk away.

Acid Rain

treyful dead hotdog art

  • Did a gypsy steal Phil’s shoes?
  • Speaking of which, why is Bobby wearing Marty McFly’s future sneakers?
  • How long has Mickey been a lesbian park ranger?
  • Trey’s driving?
  • Really?
  • Couldn’t resist those fucking bears, couldja?
  • Would anyone really want to be rained on by Cloud Garcia?
  • Speaking of which, why is Billy a cloud?
  • How is he gonna play drums? Someone’s gotta play the drums while Mickey fucks around with his tar, don’t they?
  • Why not just put all of them on the hot dog?
  • Do you think that’s not going to cause jealousy?
  • “Why does Billy get to be a cloud?”
  • “Well, why wasn’t I even asked if I wanted to be a cloud?”
  • Won’t that giant hot dog smother all the people in Soldier Field to death?
  • Why a hot dog, anyway?
  • Is that some dopey Phish bullshit, the hotdog nonsense?
  • Do we need to have a talk about keeping one’s toys in one’s own side of the sandbox?
  • I mean: the first motherfucker that WOO’s during the Farewell Shows knows he’s getting punched, right?

Hand Me My Old Guitar

jerry skeleton sloseup

As with every other trivial piece of nonsense being wildly speculated about concerning the Farewell Shows, whether or not Trey will play one of Garcia’s old guitars is being debated.

TotD can report to you (first as always) that not only will Trey play Wolf, but also wear Garcia’s favorite flannel, smoke a cigarette from a half-empty pack of Camels of Garcia’s found after his death, and bathe using unopened hygiene products found in Garcia’s bathroom. (The number of unopened hygiene products was surprising if you didn’t know him, predictable if you did.)

Trey did refuse one thing: at the meeting, Garcia’s ex-wife who isn’t Mountain Girl (Montana? Mashed Potatoes?) revealed she had kept a small portion of Garcia’s cremated remains; she asked Trey if he “wanted a toot,” and at that point, even Billy left the room because of how weird it had gotten.

Seriously, though: Trey will not be playing Wolf. Or Tiger, or Rosebud, or any other of Garcia’s ridiculously over-engineered guitars; he has his own ridiculously over-engineered guitar.  (What’s it called? The Laser Duck?) Also, Trey’s guitar is a semi-hollowbody, whereas Garcia’s guitars are, like, 14 of the world’s hardest and most expensive woods glued together and weigh more than neutron stars after the holidays.

Trey has agreed to let Parish hit three or four people for him, though.

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