• Nailing dogs together.
  • Vegan barbecues. (I guess that’s just eating kale outside. No fire: it’s cruel to the trees.)
  • Reruns of The Love Boat.
  • Billy taking you to Knott’s Berry Farm, eating a shitload of ‘shrooms, and projectile vomiting on the loop-de-loop when the car is at the very top, so when you come down, it hits you in the face unexpectedly.
  • The all-new Surface Pro 3.
  • Polo. (Both kinds.)
  • An icy, withholding mother.
  • Slam poetry.
  • Two minutes for slashing.
  • Anything from the food court except those foul, butter-soaked pretzels from Auntie Anne’s that smell like junkie vomit. Those cause autism.
  • A well-turned double play
  • Butter knives.
  • Renowned nutrition expert Marion Nestle.
  • Twitter.
  • The never-aired television pilot Camping With Phil. Phil got as far as his backyard and proclaimed camping to be for “dudes who wanna jack each other off under pine trees and Hitler Youth.” He then got drunk and started firing his shotgun at random noises and the production crew.
  • Labrador Retrievers wearing bandanas.
  • The greatest show-biz memoir of all time, Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis, Jr.
  • Vaccines.