Dear Vegans,

Hi, Vegans. How are you? Are you still answering to “you,” or have you changed pronouns? I’m great, and while I haven’t seen your car, I’m sure the bumper stickers are hilariously on point.

I write for a reason, Vegans: you need an English teacher. Or a writer. Maybe a Professor Higgins, if you want to get literary about it. Because, see, you don’t seem to know what words mean, Vegans.

Recently, I was presented with a picture of vegan cheesecake, which is just as likely as a communist hedge fund or Bill Cosby having Hannah Gadsby open for him on his next tour; the concepts “vegan” and “cheesecake” invalidate one another. Doubly, in fact! Both “cheese” and “cake” are–by definition–incapable of being vegan. Cheese is made from milk, somehow. (I think they shake the milk up. Or maybe that’s butter. I have no idea where food comes from before it’s brought to Publix.) And cake, well, cake has eggs and butter in it. You can have a cake of some other substance–soap comes to mind–but “cake” is made by combining flour and sugar with animal products.

Vegan bacon? Fuck you with a dead cow. Food doesn’t become “bacon” just because it’s strip-shaped. Here, look:

PROTO

FUCKING

INDO

EUROPEAN. Do you know what that means, Vegans? It means that “bacon,” or some variation thereof, has meant “meat from a pig’s ass” SINCE LANGUAGE WAS INVENTED. But you do you, Vegans.

Almond milk? Not milk. That there is nut-squeezings.

Oh, holy shit. No. Just…

…no. That’s just “Mac.” You’re just selling dry elbow macaroni at this point, Vegans. And you’re not even thinking about that poor ampersand’s feelings. He’s useless! Ampersands want to feel like their day was worthwhile, and you’ve taken that from him. His inevitable suicide is on your pale, weak hands, Vegans.

Anyway, call me if you want some new words for your hay and sprouts or whatever the fuck your food is made from. My prices are reasonable, but I will need to leave the building for lunch every day as I’m quite positive there’s nothing I want in your cafeteria.

Sincerely,
Eric Blair