- Fuck it, we’re going all the way.
- I’ve quit everything important in my life, but this I’m gonna finish.
- You won’t beat me, Police Academy series.
- I HAVE GRIT AND METTLE, DAMN YOU!
- MY DEAD DADDY IS PROUD OF ME!
- Dude, please.
- Was that unpleasant?
- For all involved; for absolutely everyone in the area.
- Speaking of unpleasant, Steve Guttenberg has left the building.
- He has been replaced by The Guy Who Didn’t Play Chainsaw or Dave.
- Remember Summer School?
- There were guys named Chainsaw and Dave in that flick.
- The guy who’s in Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach did not play Chainsaw or Dave, but he might have, and so now that’s what I’m calling him and there’s nothing you can do about it.
- Try to stop me, fucko.
- Oh, right: they’re in Miami Beach.
- I could explain why, but that would just be insulting both of our intelligence.
- They’re there.
- Accept it.
- Gosh-a-rooty, the tropical hijinx that ensue.
- Scarface also took place in Miami during the 80’s, but this is not Scarface.
- No one gets chained up in a bathtub and chainsawed to death while Al Pacino watches.
- Nor does Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio have a breathtaking bouffant.
- Remember that shit?
- You remember that shit.
- Anyway: no Gutt.
- Goot?
- I’m using the diminutive for Guttenberg.
- You know what it sounds like.
- The Gutt!
- He’s not here, and I miss him.
- I want my Gutt back.
- He should be awkwardly seducing Janet Jones, not The Guy Who Didn’t Play Chainsaw Or Dave.
- Janet Jones bore Wayne Gretzky’s children; she is a superior woman.
- She’s Gutt-level.
- Not this guy.
- Oh, yeah: Janet Jones is in this.
- Each Police Academy movie has a new blonde for Mahoney, and now this guy, to woo in a half-assed romantic plot.
- Except the second one, in which the blonde was played by Julie Brown and apparently The Gutt hated her and got her pretty much entirely cut from the film.
- Perhaps it was because she wasn’t a blonde.
- The Gutt’s got a type.
- Or maybe Mahoney’s got a type, and The Gutt is just that committed to the honesty of the character.
- Julie Brown actually did stand out from the other actresses.
- Four semi-identical skinny blondes and Julie, who looked like this:
- She was prettier when she wasn’t making that face.
- Y’know what?
- Fuck The Gutt.
- Julie Brown was better than any blonde.
- Hell, she made elaborate videos mocking blondes.
- Okay, so Commandant Lassard has been kidnapped by Rene Auberjonois.
- I forgot to tell you that Rene Auberjonois was in this.
- He died recently, and this was not one of the projects mentioned in the first paragraph of his obituary.
- But he got to play real broad, and then received a satisfying check, so good for him.
- Anyway, the Miami police have let the imbeciles from the Police Academy do the rescue because, again, these are those kind of movies.
- This will result in a chase scene.
- There are fifteen minutes left in the picture, and so there will be a chase.
- The Police Academy Universe is deterministic.
- All roads lead to a indifferently-filmed, improbably-vehicled chase scene.
- There can be no other conclusion.
- YOUR STRUGGLE IS AGAINST FATE, TACKLEBERRY!
- This one is with airboats.
- They’re in Miami, remember?
- Airboats.
- Ever been on one?
- Loudest conveyances in the world.
- Like a Motorhead concert fucked a funny car.
- Airboat is the Trumpiest means of transport.
- I hate to keep bringing politics into it, but I needed to share that with you.
- Not one single person who owns an airboat voted for Hillary Clinton.
- …
- …
- …
- FUCK IT IMMA KEEP GOING.
- Police Academy 6: City Under Siege.
- I can take it.
- Thank you, sir, may I have another?
- Brother on the Dead has a thriving career for which he is well compensated, and the most beautiful family in the world.
- I’m double-fisting Police Academy movies at midnight.
- You wanna know what I’m watching here?
- The director’s name was Peter Bonerz.
- That’s what I’m watching here.
- With no offense to the man intended, but does it fill you with confidence?
- “Hi, I’m Dr. Bonerz and I’ll be your heart surgeon.”
- “You know what, Doc? I’ll just die.”
- After the first one, the movies were all PG-rated, and so cannot be lumped in with the raunchy sex comedies of the 80’s.
- They’re no Porky’s, or Revenge of the Nerds.
- Both of which were also franchises.
- Remember that.
- People aren’t getting dumber.
- People have always been dumb.
- That’s why Communism doesn’t work.
- Can’t give the people the power, because the people flocked to see Porky’s 3: Porky’s Revenge, and so clearly cannot be trusted.
- I’m not gonna watch fucking Porky’s, even if I’m paid to do it.
- Oh, who am I kidding?
- I totally would.
- I’m a low-rent whore, and I enjoy terrible movies from my childhood, and it’s not like I’m gonna write about the Grateful Dead on this website about the Grateful Dead.
- Wowee, Mark Goodman and Alan Hunter out of nowhere.
- This was 1989.
- Both of them had left MTV, probably moved to Los Angeles.
- Lotta people wanted to party with them.
- Not a lot of offers.
- Money got tight.
- Mark and Alan started doing a private routine for discreet clients.
- Anything to keep the lights on.
- They filmed this one in Los Angeles.
- The productions went back and forth between LA and Toronto.
- Toronto is cheaper, but you can’t get big stars like Mark Goodman and Alan Hunter to cameo.
- Certainly can’t get Vince Neil.
- The moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends towards a cameo by Vince Neil.
- His scene was cut.
- And he killed a guy.
- Actually, he killed the guy way before this, but that’s how much job security Rock Stars used to have.
- It was like super-tenure.
- Nowadays, you bang one 17-year-old and your whole tour gets canceled.
- Everything changes, nothing lasts.
- FUN FACT: Vince Neil has been married four times, once to a mud wrestler that worked at the Tropicana, which was on Western and still open when I lived in Los Angeles, but never had the balls to go into.
- Here, look:
- And read.
- LA was a lot sleazier twenty years ago.
- Jumbo’s Clown Room is still there, but all the rest has been child-proofed.
- Here’s the most important thing to know about Police Academy 6:
- See the pattern?
- It’s called the law of diminishing returns.
- Literally.
- The literal returns are literally diminishing.
- There is no analogy present.
- Oh, swat my balls and call ’em houseflies: it’s the chase scene.
- And so we beat on, boats against the current.
- Except the chase is not a boat chase this time.
- A monster truck is in pursuit of a cherry-picker.
- There is also a city bus involved.
- Why?
- I don’t know.
- Don’t ask me what I think of the Police Academy series; I might not give the answer that you want me to.
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