Hey, Your Holiness. Whatcha doing?
“I’m-a callin’ da Jesus.”
The phone’s not plugged into anything.
“He’s-a da Jesus! He wanna pick up-a da phone, He pick up-a da phone.”
Sure. You know why I like Jesus, Pope Francis?
“Why?”
Because you capitalize His pronouns, so He’s always so easy to find in a paragraph.
“I like-a da love He-a had for us, so that-a we could share in His-a resurrection.”
That, too.
POPE PHONE NOISE
“Is that-a you or me?”
I’m not a Pope. My phone doesn’t make that noise.
“Si, si. Only one-a Pope.”
Except for that one time in the 1400’s there were two.
“No, no. That was-a da Anti-Pope.”
Oh, right. The Pope of Rome declared the Pope of Avignon the Anti-Pope. The Middle Ages were like a dumb comic book.
“Si, si.”
POPE PHONE NOISE
“I should-a get that.”
It’s not plugged in.
“Maybe it’s-a Jesus.”
Sure.
…
“I’m-a da Pope-a, what’s-a da dope-a?”
“Putin catch more fish.”
“Hello, Vladimir.”
“Vhat happen to Chico Marx accent?”
“Shut it, you permafrosted fuckhead. What do you want?”
“Putin vill buy Vatican.”
“Fuck you.”
“Putin vill invade Vatican. Vatican always part of Russia.”
“Suck my infalliballs, Ivan. You know better than to fuck with the Church.”
“How many divisions you have”
“Cute.”
“AH’LL SAVE YOU, MISTER POPE!”
“THIS HERE’S MAH NEMESIS POOTER, AN’ AH’M AWFUL SORRY HE’S INNERUPTIN’ SOME O’ YER WITCHCRAFT OR WHATNOT.”
“You are-a not a Catholic, my-a son?”
“Is fake accent, Elvis America. Is lying Pope. Fake Pope.”
“YOU SHUT YER MOUTH WHEN YOU’RE SPEAKIN’ T’ THE KING OF ITALIANS!”
“”No, no. Is-a no fake.”
“AH BELIEVE YOU, YOUR FRIENDLINESS. AH TAKE CARE THIS COMMIE HERE, YOU THINK YOU C’N RUSTLE ME UP A BADGE ‘R TWO?”
“Si, si. We got-a like three, four building here that’s-a nothin’ but-a da badges.”
“AH DO BELIEVE YOU LIVE IN HEAVEN. AH’M GONNA CALL YOU HAPPY FRANK.”
“If-a you must.”
“AH DO. NOW BACK T’ POOTER.”
“Putin get crossbow vhile Elvis America chit-chat vith Fake Pope.”
“GODDAMN, BOY, YOU WORK FAST. SORRY ‘BOUT TH’ CURSIN’, PADRE.”
“I-a forgive you.”
“SWEET. HEY, POOTER! LOOK OVER THERE!”
“Vhere?
“HOWZAT COMMIE CROSSBOW LOOKIN’ NOW, SON? AH’M GONNA SHOOT YOU IN YER ASS!”
“You vill no shoot ass. Putin is quickest draw in Vest.”
“RUSSIA’S TH’ EAST, Y’ DANG CHILLY-WILLY!”
“Moscow is vest Russia.”
“NEED MORE ‘N A VEST IN RUSSIA, BOY. ISS COLD OVER THERE.”
“Not vest. Vest.”
“AH’M GONNA SHOOT TH’ FOREIGN OUTTA YER MOUTH!”
“No, you vill be eaten by bear behind you.”
“BEAR?”
“Now Putin has pistol.”
“DANG IT, AH FELL F’R TH’ OLDEST TRICK IN TH’ BOOK.”
“Vatican vill be Putin’s. Build mistress summer house. Maybe torture journalist there. Plans up in air.”
“YER GONNA BE UP IN TH’ AIR!”
“This nyet makes sense.”
“SURE, IT DOES. AH’M GONNA PUNT YA.”
“Vhat is punt?”
“A SHAMEFUL ACT, MAN! WORST THING YA C’N DO T’ A FOOTBALL!”
“Putin is nyet football. You vill not punt Putin.”
“GONNA GET ME A TIGHT SPIRAL ON YA.”
“No, I shoot Elvis.”
“MAN, THASS TH’ PRETTIEST BIRD AH EVER SAW.”
“Vhat? Vhere? Putin love animals.”
“YOU ONE DUMB BOLSHEVIK, BOY.”
“Putin let you do that.”
“NUH-UH.”
“Da.”
“NUH-UH.”
“Da. Bear is behind you again.”
“OH, NO!”
“Putin trick Elvis America again.”
“DAMMIT!”
“Putin has tommy gun.”
“THAT AIN’T NO TOMMY GUN, ISS A COMMIE GUN.”
“Putin see what you did there.”
“MAH WIT IS AS QUICK AS MAH FISTS AN’ FEET.”
“This is not quick.”
“IZZAT HENRY WINKLER BEHIND YOU?”
“The Fonz? Vhere?”
“Damn you, Elvis America. Putin loves Fonzie.”
“YOUR MISERY IS A BEAUTIFUL THING, MAN. NOW GO ON, GET.”
“Putin be back.”
“EVERYONE IS AWARE BY NOW OF TH’ REGENERATIVE NATURE O’ THIS HERE UNIVERSE.”
“Putin vill get revenge.”
“YEAH, YEAH. SUCK ON TH’ POPE’S BALLS, MAN.”
“Si, si, Suck on-a da balls.”
“OH, HEY. DIDN’T KNOW YOU WAS STILL HERE.”
“Si, si.”
“Putin vill not forget this. To the skies!”
“WHAT?”
“OH.”
“Elvis, da Pope-a supposed to love-a everyone.”
“UH-HUH.”
“That guy makes-a it tough.”
“THAT FELLA’S A REAL PRICKLY PEAR.”
“Si. You want-a da spaghetti?”
“YOU READ MAH MIND, HAPPY FRANK.”
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