CALL SUPERMAN Superman could do it. Although he most likely wouldn’t, would he? Superman loves the Washington Monument; I bet he knows all sorts of facts about it. You’d have to mind control him or something. Maybe call Zod? Zod would totally knock down the Washington Monument.

CALL MATTER-EATER LAD The Washington Monument is nothing but matter, so Matter-Eater Lad would be in his element. (Matter-Eater Lad is real. I didn’t make Matter-Eater Lad up. He’s a member of DC’s Legion Of Super-Heroes, which is a group of meta-human teens from the 31st century who have always sucked. Sometimes, he looks like this:

They hate him at his local diner.

“Hey, hon. What can I getcha?”

“I’d like some matter, please.”

That shit gets on your nerves real quick.)

WRECKING BALL, MAYBE Not the one that Miley Cyrus swung in on. You’d need a much bigger ball. The Washington Monument is fucking enormous.

EXPLOSIVES? I feel like you’re massively underestimating the size of the Washington Monument. It’s a 40-story building made out of solid rock. Anything less than a nuke is just gonna leave a scorch mark on the facade.

FLYING GUILLOTINE The flying guillotine would have no effect whatsoever on the Washington Monument.

WHAT ABOUT A REALLY BIG FLYING GUILLOTINE? 200 words. It took you barely 200 words to start acting like a dickhead.

MY MONEY’S ON THE GIANT FLYING GUILLOTINE Fuck you, man. You’re not a professional.

Boys.

YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH I don’t need to deal with this bullshit in my condition.

Nice to see nothing’s changed.