Thoughts On The Dead

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Tag: woody harrelson

Ramifications Unenforced

April 22, 2020 / / 1 Comment

Aw, man. What did I tell you about using the Time Sheath to quarantine in the past?

“It’s much more fun here. Much more crowded.”

Yeah, there’s no pandemic in…when are you?

“Early 2000’s, I think. Did, uh, we ever decide what to call that decade?”

As a society, we still have not come to a consensus.

“Maybe you should use the time indoors to think one up. Get that problem dealt with.”

Please stop hopping back in time every time you feel cooped-up. You might bring the ronus with you. And you can’t definitely can’t give it to Anthony Kiedis. That guy would make Patient Zero look like Emily Dickinson.

“He’s friendly. Not much of a fan of the Rooty-Tooty Booty Scooters, but he’s congenial as all get out. Warm conversationalist.”

Yes, and when he leaves your presence, he will go an fuck an entire AA meeting. The man’s a vector.

“What about Woody?”

Does he shake hands or hug?

“The embraces are deep and intimate.”

Stay away from him, too. Like, 80% of carriers are asymptomatic. You might be sick and not know it, and now you’re infecting the temporal stream. This is the kinda shit that draws Time Cops.

“Woody said it was okay.”

Don’t tell Woody Harrelson you have a Time Sheath.

“Oh, he’s known for years.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Hold on. It might be myself from quarantine.”

What?

…

“Weir here.”

“Here, too.”

“I’ve been expecting this call. You left the remote in the kitchen.”

…

“Yup, here it is. Tell Woody I say hi.”

“Will do.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

…

That was fucking weird.

“Time travel’s a real puzzler.”

Thoughts On Solo (Spoilers)

May 27, 2018 / / 5 Comments
  • Some things were so much clearer
  • Once you were in my rearviewmirror.
  • That’s by Pearl Jam; it was playing on the radio when I got out of the theater; it has nothing at all to do with Han: A Scoundrel’s Fairytale.
  • Nope, nothing at all.
  • Nosireebob, the typist said as he listened to a recording made in 1973.
  • Spoilers from here on in.
  • No foolin’.
  • I’m the sun and you’re the mayonnaise; shit will get spoilt.
  • S
  • P
  • O
  • I
  • L
  • T
  • Spoilt.
  • If you’re still here, then let’s go.
  • Punch it, Jewy.
  • Okay, first off: I did not know that Melissa McCarthy was in this.
  • Or that the plot revolved around her returning to college as a grown mom.
  • And that there would be little to no war, be it amongst the stars or anywhere else.
  • Pss pss pss.
  • I have been informed that I watched Life of the Party instead of Vest: A Sideburns Pew Pew. 
  • Gimme 143 minutes.
  • CASUAL WHISTLING NOISE
  • Okay, I have seen the correct film.
  • Movie.
  • This ain’t a “film.”
  • Lawrence of Arabia was a film.
  • This here’s a movie.
  • So, anyway: Young Han Solo is from Corellia, along with Dragonface McEyebrows, and he loooooooooves her and wants to stick it in her BUT SHE IS BAD, it turns out later.
  • You would only see the twist coming if you had ever seen a movie before.
  • Or read a book.
  • Or just weren’t a complete nincompoop.
  • But they start off as street urchins working for Space Fagin.
  • Not lying.
  • There is absolutely a Space Fagin in this movie.
  • He’s a lady Space Fagin, and also a giant tapeworm that’s also a dracula for some reason, but: Fagin.
  • I’ll just give you the plot because there are no themes in this movie.
  • Maybe it’s about how Han learns to not trust anyone?
  • But he should have learned that being a child slave on Corellia.
  • And he learns to trust Tobacco the Space Monkey.
  • Yeah, I’m gonna go back to my first thought: no themes whatsoever.
  • PEW PEW.
  • So, now Han’s an Imperial trooper or something and he runs into Woody Harrelson and Thandie Newton.
  • And you, sitting in your seat, say, “Hey, it’s Woody Harrelson and Thandie Newton.”
  • Which is why you shouldn’t put famous actors in Star Wars.
  • Because instead of thinking, “My, what ferocious adventures these rogues are having,” you think, “Hey, that guy knows Bobby.”
  • And then Paul Bettany shows up and you start wondering if there are Infinity Gems involved in this bullshit.
  • I’m ahead of myself.
  • Han is a lot like Rey, or Luke, or–I’m quite sure–Boba Fett in his upcoming dumb-ass prequel in that he can do whatever the plot requires of him at the time.
  • Meets an angry Wookiee?
  • He can speak Shryiiwook.
  • New ship?
  • He can fly it.
  • Never are we shown him learning these skills, but he has them when he needs them.
  • It’s like the creative team rolled for his attributes and then refused to let anyone else see the character sheet.
  • (There was all sort of Hollywood machinations going on during the making of the film, including the original directors getting fired and replaced by Ralph Malph, but no one cares. Although the movie was written by Lawrence Kasdan–of Empire fame–and his son, which is sweet. I never wrote a Star Wars with my dad. He punched me a couple times, but never a co-writing credit on a Star Wars. Miss ya, Pop.)
  • Fuel!
  • Remember fuel?
  • We learned in The Last Jedi that ships in Star Wars required fuel.
  • Never before had this fact been brought to our attention, but now it’s a thing and Han and his crew have to steal the fuel.
  • The fuel is called Plottinium.
  • (It’s not, but I’m gonna call it that. Fuck it: Disney doesn’t have a private army. Yet.)
  • They gotta get it, and the Plottinium is on a train because it’s not like there’s any other way to transport stuff in the Star Wars Universe.
  • Say, a ship that, if under attack, could veer off course and run instead of staying on a track where the robbers would be able to plant bombs and stuff.
  • But the plan goes wrong and Thandie Newton and a CG character whose name I didn’t care to listen for die!
  • Oh, noes!
  • Woody Harrelson is all like, “NOOOOOOO!”
  • Because apparently we were supposed to care about Thandie Newton.
  • I had not been informed of that fact.
  • And the Plottinium gets away with the bad guys, who will later turn out to be multi-ethnic good guys.
  • So Han and Chewie and OH, WAIT.
  • Woody Harrelson’s name was Tobias Beckett.
  • WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF STAR WARS NAME IS TOBIAS FUCKING BECKETT?
  • Tobias Beckett is the name of, like, one of Pennsylvania’s representatives at the Constitutional Convention.
  • Or your fussy uncle who brings his “friend” Lawrence to family holidays.
  • We all know who Lawrence is, Uncle Tobias.
  • Stop it with the roommate bullshit.
  • Tob Asbeck.
  • Kett Siabot.
  • Moogoo Gai Pan.
  • Those are fucking Star Wars names, Kasdan family.
  • Not Tobias fucking Beckett.
  • What was Thandie Newton’s name, Ellen Carter?
  • Now I’m angry.
  • Stop it and get on with whatever this is.
  • It’s not a review.
  • Clearly not.
  • Where was I?
  • Oh, right: LANDO!
  • Who is Donald Glover in a cape doing a Billy Dee Williams impression.
  • AND THEY’RE PLAYING SABACC!
  • THAT THING THEY MENTIONED IN ONE OF THE STUPID NOVELS!
  • PIUGUH JBIYUWDO{UOUHFG.
  • And since they’ve lost the Plottinium, they have to go find more.
  • Where could it be?
  • Is it under your space bed?
  • Did you leave it next to the sink while you were shaving?
  • In the freezer next to the banana guacamole?
  • No, of course notIT’S ON KESSELKESSELOMIGODKESSEL.
  • THAT THING THEY MENTIONED!
  • So they go to Kessel, but Kessel is located in some sort of Space Bad Neighborhood and some retconning bullshit about parsecs–THEY MENTIONED PARSECS!–and whatnot and now there’s a “heist.”
  • I put heist in quotes because Ocean’s 11 is a heist movie.
  • Heist movies require elaborate plans and disguises and things go wrong and everyone is charming.
  • They just pretty much walk into the mine and take the stuff.
  • Oh, and Lando has a fuckbot.
  • Because they can’t give a black man a real girlfriend.
  • This is Kessel.
  • Stormtroopers be trippin’ now.
  • Anyway, the fuckbot dies and Lando is all like “NOOOOOO!”
  • Because apparently we were supposed to care about the fuckbot.
  • AND THEN THEY MAKE THE KESSEL RUN!
  • THAT THING THEY MENTIONED!
  • And there is a monster along the way that tries to eat the Millennium Falcon while Han and Chewie try to pilot the ship out of a rapidly-closing exit.
  • Because otherwise how would you know it was a Star Wars movie?
  • (Oh, yeah: the Falcon is there and all shiny and new and juuuuuuust different enough to require the purchase of a new piece of stamped plastic.)
  • YAY!
  • They win!
  • Only to be double-crossed.
  • Betcha didn’t see that coming.
  • Oh, you saw that coming?
  • Yeah, we all did.
  • Han and Paul Bettany and The Pretty One Who Can’t Act shoot at each other–PEW PEW–and there are swords because why wouldn’t there be swords in a galaxy that had learned to control gravity?
  • Then, Young Han Solo (I would have paid extra if everyone else in the movie had referred to him as “Young Han Solo” the entire time) gives the Plottinium back to the bad guys who were actually good guys.
  • He does the right thing!
  • Which, if you think about for more than a second, nullifies his entire arc in Star Wars.
  • Ah, well, whatever: WE SAW WHERE HE GOT HIS BLASTER!
  • Woody Harrelson gave it to him!
  • See you back here in two years for Guards! Guards! A Tale of Gamorrea.

Woody And Buzzed*

February 3, 2017 / / 5 Comments

If you’ve ever wanted to know the full extent of any successful actor’s self-regard, look at this picture in which Woody Harrelson is sitting next to a Grateful Dead, and has not handed the guitar to him.

OR

“Susan, I don’t care if you are a zombie. I think you’re the person to decorate the Dead’s green room. What are you thinking in terms of candles?”

“Braaaaaaaaaaains.”

“Good idea.”

OR

Annabelle Garcia took this shot; you can see her in the mirror. Hi, Annabelle!

OR

That’s some quality fuckin’ stemware, I’m tellin’ ya.

OR

Billy took third place in a “Neil Young Seen From Behind” lookalike contest.

OR

Red wine and a bushy white beard can’t be the best combination.

 

*I’m so pleased with this title.

New, New Minglewoody Blues

January 23, 2017 / / 1 Comment

Bobby.

“Hey. Have, uh, you met Woody Harrelson?”

Hey, Woody. How are you?

“I’m just here to talk about Rampart.”

Great. Bob?

“Yeah?”

Weren’t you just wearing shoes?

“My body rejected them.”

Sure.

“Like a baboon liver”

Gotcha.

“Knees swole up, eyes started watering, armpits got confused.”

Sounds bad.

“Luckily, my wife–”

Natasha Monster.

“–always carries a pair of emergency sandals in her purse. She’s like a Boy Scout, but a girl.”

Those are called Girl Scouts, Bobby.

“That would explain why she keeps trying to sell me cookies.”

Bobby, focus. Why is Woody Harrelson singing?

“Something fun for the kids.”

This is dangerously close to a Johnny Depp jam session. Don’t be that Rock Star.

“You bet.”

Having fun at Sundance?

“Sure. Whole family came out.”

The whole family?”

“WE DEMAND VEGAN POPCORN AT THE SCREENING!”

“Yup. Whole family”

Hey, Lilian Monster.

“WE DEMAND ROBERT REDFORD BE MADE FROM PLEATHER!”

“Yup. Whole family.”

A Guide To Diets

August 30, 2016 / / 0 Comments

Vegetarian

Vegetarians don’t eat meat, but have weird definitions of “meat.” Fish doesn’t count, and neither do eggs, and those things are both meat. Sure, an egg is technically pre-meat, but stop quibbling. Cows and pigs, really. Being a vegetarian is pretty much just not eating cows and pigs. You can wear the fuck out of them, but not eat them.

Veganism

There’s no such thing as a vegan. Secret stops at McDonald’s, every one of them. Urban myth.

Fruitatarian

80% of a fruititarian’s diet is made up of fruit, and I simply refuse to imagine what is going on with their doodies. The bathroom of a fruititarian must look like a dystopia from a Young Adult novel.

Raw Foodists

Cooking food robs it of its nutrients, or so the raw foodists believe. Scientists think that our discovery of the joy of cooking massively cut down on the time we needed to digest our food, relative to other animals such as the great apes, and spurred our species towards the awesome greatness it is today. I’m sure Woody Harrelson’s right.

Seeders

A brief diet fad in the 80’s, seeders attempted to live on nothing but nuts and seeds; their teeth lasted two months, at tops. Excellent diet for a toucan, but not a people.

The Paleo Diet

The Atkins Diet sprayed with Axe, and just so dumb. Not the foods prescribed–it’s just cutting out bread and pasta, mostly–but the bullshit behind it. Paleo is short for paleolithic, meaning the couple hundred thousand years before humans started writing stuff down. Just naked dipshits in the woods, picking berries and keeping an eye out for sabre-toothed clowns. Utter morons we should not be emulating: let us move forward.

Food Replacementers

On the other hand, you have these creepy weirdos drinking Soylent and trying to evolve beyond sandwiches. Stop doing this. These people should be thrown off dams.

Smegmatarians

Ewww.

The Pritikin Diet

This involves grapefruits and the New York Post. You should also try to get the gym, I suppose.

The Blood-Type Diet

Participants in this fad sent in their blood types to Dr. Andrew Cula, and he sent them back personalized nutritional guides, and then went to their house and drank their blood. Dr. Cula was eventually arrested, but he turned into a bat and flew away.

Master Cleanser

To clear out the toxins in their system, adherents of the Master Cleanse© flush their bodies for days or weeks on end with a drink made up of de-ionized water, lime juice, simple syrup, and rum. I forgot to say that the de-ionized water should be in ice form, and then you blend it all up.

Foragers

Just a matter of time before they kill themselves mis-identifying their lunch.

Long Distance Waverunner

October 12, 2015 / / 0 Comments

bobby jetski
Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Enjoying a jet-ski, following the rules of water safety, ordering two more Mai-Tais.”

Not giving the peace sign?

“If I was at work, then sure. But on vacation, Mai-Tais.”

Okay.

…

Please don’t say–

“Mai-Tais and tittyfucking.”

–Mai-tais and tittyfucking. You do realize how odd it is that that’s your definition of vacation.

“Some poor bastards get to take the wife and kids to EPCOT.”

Your thing is better.

“Sure, yeah.”

…

…

…

Is that Woody Harrelson?

“Wondering when you were gonna notice.”

How’d you two meet?

“I was, uh, a big fan of the Cheers show. And, um, Woody is a Deadhead.”

This is a great story, Bob.

“And we did a show. In, um, LA? San Diego? Southern California for sure. And he came backstage and we kinda hit it off, y’know?”

You should tell that anecdote on talk shows.

“Why would you think it would be more interesting than that?”

You have a point.

“Oh, yeah.”

…

Woody have good weed?

“Holy…man, I’m a Grateful Dead and his stuff just knocked me over.”

Good to hear.

The Stacks

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