Ahhh! Human foot!

“What?”

That guy has a face like a foot.

“He has a name.”

Good for him. Let him keep his name to himself. I hear that five women have made accusations against his mustache.

“It’s unfortunate facial hair.”

Look at you wearing Sedona Strut. That’s one of my favorites.

“Well, I don’t like to play favorites amongst my toppermosts, but I see where you’re coming from. You know all toppermosts are hand-made by Japanese artisans, right?”

You’ve mentioned. Who made this one?

“Arti-san.”

Nope.

“He says he was inspired by the Mojave desert, and also reruns of Breaking Bad. And Gila monsters. At least, I think he said he was inspired by Gila monsters. ‘Gila’ is not an easy word to say for a Japanese native.”

I would imagine.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Just getting right to it, huh?”

It’s either this or discussing Miles Teller, and I’d rather shoot myself.

“Has this free-spraying misanthropy gotten you anywhere?”

Florida.

“I rest my case.”

…

“You’re on with John.”

“John Mayer? Oh my God, hi. I am such a fan. Anyway, I’m just calling to apologize.”

“Ah, dammit, I recognize that whine.”

“Yeah, it’s me, Lena Dunham. Hold on, I’m picking off a skin tag.”

“Ugh.”

“I’m back. Big sucker.”

GULP

“Did you eat the skin tag?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Awesome.”

“John, I’m calling to apologize for my decisions and actions on Halloween. First of all, the costume was of a ghost. Second of all, I truly thought ‘jigaboo’ was the formal version of ‘boo.’ So, what everyone saw–”

“A Klansman wobbling around the Lower East Side shouting racial epithets?”

“–was not my intention, but I feel glad that we all have a chance to learn from this.”

“Uh-huh. And what have you learned?”

“Attention is great.”

“Right.”

“I also want to apologize for saying that Bill Cosby’s victims should have raped him back.”

“You can’t ‘rape someone back.’ That’s not a thing.”

“I know that now! Another teachable moment courtesy of America’s Sweetheart.”

“You are not America’s Sweetheart in the slightest.”

“Hey, tell that to the people who keep hiring me. Oh, I would also like to apologize to Hannah Gadsby for saying that her special would have been funnier if she had male writers.”

“I can see how that would annoy her.”

“Furthermore, I apologize to the Malaysian community for calling their country ‘Bargain Indonesia.'”

“You’re on a roll lately, huh?”

“Why won’t you have sex with me, John Mayer?”

“Because of who you are.”

“On the outside?”

“That’s half of it.”

“Okay, I gotta go. I’m gonna write a column for Women’s Wear Daily.”

“About what?”

“How sad it makes me to read about the Yemeni crisis.”

“Good luck with that.”