Americans could get a check for $1,000 or more in the coming weeks, as political leaders coalesce around a dramatic plan to try to prevent a worse recession and protect people from going bankrupt.
The idea took off Monday when Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) called for every American adult to receive a $1,000 check “immediately” to help tide people over until other government aid can arrive. By Tuesday, there was bipartisan support for the idea, including from President Trump. The White House even suggested the amount could be over $1,000, an acknowledgment of how big the economic crisis is becoming. – “Americans Very Likely To Get Checks,” Washington Post, 3/18/20
Long time ago, some economist said When it gets bad enough, the government has to pay half the population to dig holes, and the other half to fill the holes back in. It has gotten that bad. It turns out that a society made of anchorites is not feasible at present, and everyone is gonna be skint real soon, so we’re all getting Trump Checks. (You know he’s gonna call ’em that, right?) Let me help you navigate the choppy waters of suddenly becoming a thousandaire:
DO Pay your bills first.
DON’T Pay Bill first. (Bill sells crystal meth and these little purple tablets that make you think you’re a de’Medici for ten hours. He calls them Renzos.)
DO Your spending locally.
DON’T Send the entire amount to a rando in Indonesia.
DO Stock up on non-perishable items, but don’t buy too much of one thing so that everyone can shop.
DON’T Let any motherfucker tell you that you can’t buy every can of chunk albacore in the Panhandle. God and the Constitution says no one can’t say different. Don’t you come back to this house without that trailer full of tuna, Johnny Earl. Hell, that’s why you bought the fucking trailer! It’s gonna happen, Lucy Jo! The Jews are gonna unleash the jewmonia or injewenza or whatever the fuck they call it, and you and me are gonna be tits-deep in tuna living the good life. That’s what you said! Well, here’s your big fucking chance, Johnny Earl.
DO Try to put a little bit away.
DON’T Go to Guitar Center and make it rain.
DO do do do do Heartbreaker.
DON’T do that. You said you wouldn’t do that.
DO do ron ron ron, do do ron ron.
DON’T be such an asshole all the time, okay? Why do we even go to Dr. Finkel if you’re not gonna put any effort into this relationship?
Do do do, de da da da, is all I want to–
DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE! NOT AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO MY COUSIN!
This is where I come in and call you an idiot.
Lately, yes. We seem to have established a rhythm.
How is this helping anyone? How is this being of service to the world?
I radiate beauty while all else festers and rots.
No you don’t.
Every fifth or sixth joke is kinda funny.
Closer to the truth.
All your jokes are good. Keep doin what you do. Love ya, even if I don’t know who you are.
its a solid 80% ratio funny jokes, maybe even more, the obscurity level is turned up to 11 sometimes, not that that is a bad thing.