“Welcome to the London DMV. Department?”
“Renewals.”
“Take a ticket and wait over there, please.”
TWO HOURS PASSING NOISE
“Now serving Ticket zero zero seven. Desk Five, please.”
“Finally.”
“Good morning, sir. You’re here to renew your driver’s license?”
“No. Not the driver’s license.”
“Pilot?”
“No. Don’t have a pilot’s license.”
“Then what license are you here to renew?”
“Perhaps you should just look up my information.”
“Mmph. Fine. Name?”
“Bond, James Bond.”
“Bond Jamesbond. Okay, lemme–”
“No. My name is James Bond.”
“Then why did you say all inside-out like that?”
“That’s just how I say my name?”
“And why are you wearing a tuxedo? It’s Tuesday at 11 AM, and you’re at the DMV.”
“Can we just get this over with, please.”
“Sir, the tone is not necessary.”
“I apologize.”
“Let me enter your name. How many L’s in Bond?”
“None whatsoever.”
“Okay. Here you are. Ohhhhhh. Thaaaaat license.”
“Yes.”
“How exciting.”
“I suppose. Can we get on with this? I need to get back to work.”
“Killing people?”
“I do more than that.”
“Such as?”
“I enjoy motoring. Travel. I like to date.”
“Wow. Okay, just let me verify some facts. Height?”
“Anywhere from 5’8″ to 6’2″.”
“Weight?”
“Proportional to whatever height I currently am.”
“Eye color?”
“Various.”
“Race?”
“White.”
“That one’s a constant, huh?”
“You bet your bippy.”
“Great. Now all I need is a drop of your blood, a lock of your hair, and a full hand-print.”
…
“Blofeld?”
“I HAD YOU GOING, MOTHERFUCKER!”
“Totally!”
“I got a new mask guy.”
“He’s good! He’s good!”
…
“What now?”
“Huh. You have any death traps?”
“Well, we’re in the DMV.”
“The DMV isn’t a death trap, just a time sink.”
“Yeah. I guess we could go to a diner and have a conversation about how we’re not so different.”
“Have we never done that?”
“We’ve meant to.”
“Well, let’s get ‘er done.”
A role model for us all: “Heavy and consistent” alcohol consumption introduces “chronic risks for Bond includ[ing] frequently drinking prior to fights, driving vehicles (including in chases), high stakes gambling, operating complex machinery or devices, contact with dangerous animals, extreme athletic performance, and sex with enemies, sometimes with guns or knives in the bed.” https://www.mja.com.au/journal/2018/209/11/licence-swill-james-bonds-drinking-over-six-decades
“Yeah. I guess we could go to a diner and have a conversation about how we’re not so different.”
https://youtu.be/9_dAKu_cNS8?t=71
Good God, were those three attractive. AND ROGER MOORE’S JACKET!