The Marvel Cinematic Universe: A Catch-Up, Volume 2

There’s revenge, which is for middle-aged white men in action films, and there’s testevengeria, which was when the Pope would dip his balls into hot wax to seal especially important documents, and don’t forget stonevenge, which is like Stonehenge but not quite. And then we have avenging; such behavior requires a super-suit and great hair. Assembling is also required.

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON (2015) You don’t mind that I bailed on the intro, do you? We all know what what’s happening here, and I won’t slow the class down for latecomers. Besides, it’s Part 2. We’re talking about Marvel movies, so naturally we’re dealing with sequels. Would you have me do a catch-up of the catch-up? Fuck that, Charlie. Not on my watch.

Anyway, A:AoU is one of the more maligned Marvel Comicbookmovie Universe films, and rightly so: it’s bloated and patched together and we’re forced to spend twenty minutes doing chores on Hawkeye’s farm. But it does have this scene:

Which My Dinner With Andre did not.

ANT-MAN (2015) Alligators sun themselves in the mornings. Soak up them rays, heat up that blood. If it’s the right time of year, maybe they do some fucking. Middle of the afternoon, slide back into the water. Turn back around, face the land, keep them eyes peeled. If food comes around, maybe they eat.

Human beings make Ant-Man.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR (2016) The dirty secret of comic books is that there’s, like, half-a-dozen decent villains. Doctor Doom, Lex Luthor, Magneto, Joker. All the rest are jobbers. What the fans really want is to watch the heroes punch each other. DC tried it with Batman v. Superman, and Marvel laughed and lit cigars with million-dollar bills and flopped CA: CW onto the table; it landed with a meaty THWAMP.

“Oh, you have one superhero fighting another? Wow. HOW ABOUT EVERYONE FIGHTS EVERYBODY?”

When I was a kid, I would buy (or, more correctly, hassle my mom into purchasing for me) every Marvel action figure they made. First, when I was very young, were Megos.

The bodies were made of molded plastic and were held together by a rubber band; the heads were cheap vinyl. The boots were removable, as was the costume, so you could gang-bang ’em with the Barbies your cousin would bring over. This was Falcon, and he was my favorite. He had wings.

Then, in 1984, Marvel did a big crossover event called Secret Wars. All the big heroes and villains were transported to someplace called Battleworld–gosh, they put so much thought into it–where a nigh-omnipotent being called The Beyonder forced them to fight. The entire reason for the story was that Marvel had signed a deal with Mattel to produce a line of toys and needed a hook.

I didn’t give a shit; I bought every one from Silverman’s Stationery right there on Livingston Avenue.

It is difficult to overstate the shittiness of these figures.

This photo is a lie: the moment you removed the toy from the packaging, the paint would begin to rub off.  And it’s tough to see, but Doctor Doom is wearing a bride’s garter. Keep your fetishes in Latveria, Doom.

BUT this is all there was. No super-realistic, 95-points of articulation, computer-produced “collectibles” back in 1984. Your toys had five points of articulation and clip-on claws that you lost almost immediately and they wouldn’t stand up on their own. It was fine. You laid on the floor and smashed them into each other.

And that’s what the Reagan Years were like, kids.

DOCTOR STRANGE (2016)

• Professor Oogie-Boogie.
• Alistair Unexpected Outcome-Smythe, Lecturer-In-Residence
• Dean Jennifer R. Peculiar (Emeritus)

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

For your pleasure and edification, TotD now humbly presents a fluffy piece of nonce entitled Hodor And Groot Borrow A Book From The Unseen University Library. Enjoy!

“Hodor.”

“I am Groot.”

“Ook.”

“Hodor.”

“I am Groot.”

“Ook.”

…

“Hodor.”

“I am Groot.”

“Ook.”

We thank you for your patronage.

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING (2017) Holy shit, I love this movie so much. I would be in an abusive relationship with this movie. Emotional abuse, physical, whatever. Just stay. Don’t leave me, Spider-Man: Homecoming. You’re the only Spider-Man movie that’s any good. I’ve been with the other Spidey films, and none of them will shut the fuck up about dead uncles and Peter’s sex life. They’re not the films for me, SM: HC. I’ll never testify against you, baby.

THOR: RAGNAROK (2017) Holy shit, I might like this one even better. Thor: Ragnarok is the apotheosis of comic book movies because it is, above all, fun. It’s about a giant lummox with a hammer, who–along with his pet gorilla–fights a goth chick and a giant dog. Along the way, he and his rough trade brother visit an orgy planet. FUN.

Stop brooding, the lot of you. Oh, boo-hoo, Steve. You were trapped in ice and now your boyfriend is a Soviet assassin? Get over it. Is your boyfriend a robot, Wanda? Deal with it. Look at Ant-Man. See how he’s happy-go-lucky? Be more like Ant-Man, and stop staring into the middle distance.

BLACK PANTHER (2018) About an hour into Black Panther, I thought to myself, “Man, I haven’t seen anyone on the screen who looks like me in twenty minOOOOOHHHHHHnowIgetit.” So I get the representation angle.

(Although there aren’t any Jewish superheroes, at least not definitely. Ant-Man’s name is Scott Lang, so he might be a Jew, but none of the other heroes are Hebrews, and that’s bullshit. We really do live in Trump’s America.)

The movie, however, was fine. The movie, not the cultural bullshit surrounding it, just the text: it was fine. Effects were janky. Forest Whitaker’s eyeball was sloppy. There should be a Constitutional amendment banning kid genius characters. Also, “panthers” aren’t really a thing. Panthers aren’t their own species of big cat, just jaguars or leopards with melanism.

This world is made of lies.

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR (2018) 

• Space Stone (blue): Refills any beverage the wearer is drinking, automatically and for free.
• Mind Stone (yellow): May or may not make squirrels nervous.
• Reality Stone (red): Name is misspelled; the gem is actually the Realty Stone, and it can find you a two-bedroom in a great neighborhood.
• Power Stone (purple): Summons the ghost of Prince.
• Time Stone (green): Summons the ghost of Morris Day and /or Jerome.
• Soul Stone (orange): No parking tickets, ever.

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP (2018) Only thing in the world that don’t take shit is an asshole. You remember that, boy. Now go fetch up your momma and tell her t’ bring the shovel. We got another one t’ bury.

CAPTAIN MARVEL (2019)  Ladies can’t be superheroes; they’ll menstruate on the capes.

…

That’s how you’re wrapping it up?

I grow weary.

We all do, pal.