The Proper Amounts

• ’73 Dead As much as possible.
• Kindness More.
• NFL 16 games plus the playoffs. (You will note I have not included the preseason.)
• Coffee Gallon, gallon-and-a-half? If you throw up, you should stop.
• Doobie Enough.
• Booze Two. You only need two. Be a grown-up and have two.
• Meth None at all.
• Heroin Just a little, once.
• Dirty water hot dogs from sidewalk carts in Manhattan One a year. Plus, you have to drink your soda with a straw because you’re afraid to put your lips on the can, even though you’re eating the hot dog that was sitting in the same water all day.
• Senators Two per state, for some reason.
• Bagels One in the morning, perhaps another in the afternoon, but never at night. Down that path lies madness. Do not night bagel.
• Effort 110%.
• Power to the Warp Core Everythin’ she’s got, Cap’n!
• Nukes No more.
• Nature documentaries An hour a night. Puts things in perspective.
• Ex-wives As far as ex-wives go, you either want none or seven. None is the best, but if you’re gonna start making yourself ex-wives, might as well go nuts. Also, you can make them fight each other instead of you.
• Ex-N’Sync members You just need Fatone. Fatone’s your guy. Those other four fuckers are nightmares: always choose Fatone.
• Bobsledders Either two or four, plus some backups.
• String quartet Four people.
• String quintet Five people.
• String sextet …
• String sextet What are you doing?
• Excuse me Why are you ad-libbing?
• I wouldn’t have to if the writing was any good Oh, really?
• Yeah, really This is why we stopped hiring bold-face.
• That is so fucking racist Don’t call me racist, jackass.
• Don’t call me jackass, racist FUCK YOU!
• NO, FUCK YOUUUUUU ASSSSSHOOOOOLLLE!

OKAY, THAT’S ENOUGH.

He started it.

Skinny little dick.

See!

I hate my life.