The Script To The First Twin Peaks Episode, REVEALED!

EXT. TWIN PEAKS – NIGHT

Fog.

Jazz.

White actors.

White viewers.

INT. TWIN PEAKS DINER

Whathisface eats pie, and everyone’s like “OH MY GOD, THEY BROUGHT PIE BACK!”

And then he drinks coffee, and all the white people’s heads explode.

CUT TO: COMPLETELY INEXPLICABLE INTRO CREDITS.

SOUND CUE: SHITTY JAZZ

INT. SOMEONE’S HOUSE

A fragile, pretty white lady in 40’s drag is dead. Or maybe she’s not. No one fucking knows.

DREAM SEQUENCE #1

Midget talks backwards.

EXT. BASEBALL FIELD – DAY

Incredibly unattractive and untalented actor enters, says lines that make no sense in a monotone while holding a “weird” object.

DREAM SEQUENCE #2

Oh my God, the baby is a monster!

INT. MALL – DAY

Everybody’s got a doppelgänger!

DREAM SEQUENCE #3

Log!

SOUND CUE: MORE SHITTY JAZZ

FADE TO BLACK, ALL VIEWERS BEGIN WRITING THINK PIECES.