- Fuck you all for this.
- It’s not your fault, but I’m going to blame you.
- I could be helping mankind.
- You could be bettering yourself.
- We are not.
- We are here discussing a 26-year-old concert featuring Liza Minelli.
- But, hey: let’s just call it a literary experiment; that makes me sound smart.
- And it reflects well on you, too.
- There.
- It’s decided.
- There aren’t the pointless ramblings of an obsessive shut-in.
- Literary experiment.
- …
- What’s Left Of Queen has taken the stage.
- They look like this:
- Brian talks first, and then Roger, and John last.
- The crowd gives John the biggest cheer, because that is the British thing to do.
- Oh, God, it’s Metallica.
- What have I done to myself?
- Good gravy, the heads and their banging!
- They whip their hair back and forth,
- And they have their Heavy Mental uniform.
- How much more black could Metallica’s jeans be?
- None more.
- This was right after The Black Album, and Metallica were bigger than Jesus.
- Heavier, at least.
- Jesus was not into metal.
- Kirk Hammett began his hair plug regimen right after this show, apparently.
- Such scary faces.
- GRRRRR.
- Enjoy yourselves, Metallica.
- Stop being mean to Jason Newsted and live your lives, bros.
- Metallica were and, I believe, still are the kings of Band Shirt-Wearin’.
- The Dead had Mickey as a constant, but Metallica has at least two guys Band Shirt-Wearin’ at all times.
- Metallica pushes their fucking merch.
- Sweet Pants of Peter, the haircut on James Hetfield is amazing.
- Look at this shit:
- Did you see that shit?
- What did James Hetfield tell the barber?
- “Fuck it up on top, but also fuck up the sides and back.”
- And they played Sad But True.
- Which is a rockin’ jam, but now they are into the slow number and I hate you so much, Metallica.
- Stop pretending to be sensitive, assholes.
- We’ve all seen the documentary.
- You’re all selfish dicks.
- HEY!
- YOU BACK THERE!
- STOP MAKING THOSE GODDAMNED FACES!
- It’s like high-speed Bell’s palsy with that fucker.
- Uggggggggh.
- Nothing Else Matters suuuuuuuuuuucks.
- Sucks my baaaaaaaaaalls.
- My ballllllllllllllllls.
- This song could have easily been a cut off Queensryche’s Operation: Mindcrime.
- That is NOT a compliment.
- There are a million “best parts” to Some Kind Of Monster, the three-hour documentary about the band, but one of them has to be Kirk petulantly demanding that every song have a guitar solo.
- Oh, thank God.
- That was all the Heavy Mental I could take.
- Now they’re playing Freddie from Earl’s Court in ’77 when he wore the harlequin leotard.
- This one:
- That one.
- There’s a whole montage to The Great Pretender, with Freddie in all his various iterations.
- Long hair and short, and clean-shaven and mustachio’d.
- Freddie’s worst look was the short hair/clean-shaven one.
- This one:
- That one.
- It’s like the Statue of Liberty without her torch.
- How long is this montage?
- It’s three songs in already.
- Now they’re playing One Vision under his interviews.
- WAIT
- There was something else I enjoyed about Bohemian Rhapsody: they let Freddie smoke.
- Brian’s back, and his hair is tremendous.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Extreme:
- Extreme were funky rockers from Boston with two well-received albums under their belt, a certified guitar hero in Nuno Betancourt, and a monster hit single called More Than Words
- I loved ’em.
- I confess this, Enthusiasts.
- I fucking loved Extreme.
- Had all their records.
- May or may not have had my aunt paint their logo on the back of a denim jacket.
- That fact is up for debate.
- Their first record was a genuine classic.
- Please do not mistake me for Chuck Klosterman when I say this, but I do.
- Genuine fucking classic.
- Second one is just aces, too, plus it’s got the big hit acoustic tune on it.
- Third one didn’t have any hits, and plus it was a complicated mess that might have been a Christian concept album.
- Then the lead singer, Gary Cherone, joined Van Halen.
- Rock and Roll is stupid.
- Anyway, Extreme did a lot of harmonies–all four guys sang awful purty–and they were enormous Queen fans, so they did a Queen medley.
- And now Gary Cherone is doing Freddie’s call-and-response bit and, y’know what, Gary?
- I don’t know if you’ve earned that.
- You’re wearing saddle shoes and zoot suit pants.
- That’s not a great photo: the pants are much zootier than that.
- The crowd digs it, though, and that’s what matters.
- Unless the crowd is cheering an execution.
- It will.
- Crowds always loved executions.
- Whatever: crowd loves it, and therefore it is good.
- On the other hand:
- And that’s inexcusable, isn’t it?
- Song’s over.
- We’re done here, Extreme.
- Much like Queen, the high point of Extreme’s career would be playing Queen songs at Wembley Stadium.
- Shit, Gary is giving a speech.
- Shut up, Gary.
- The British, en masse, are terrifying.
- Another montage of famous Freddie footage?
- Is this gonna be between every band?
- This doesn’t look like the Freddie from the movie.
- He’s not bug-eyed and mopey.
- Christ, did Movie Freddie mope.
- “Wah, wah, wah, I like dongs and I’m sad.”
- That’s not Freddie.
- Oh, fuck, it’s Def Leppard.
- What did I ever do to You, Jesus?
- I say such nice things about You.
- I defend You.
- And this is how You treat me?
- Not gonna lie, though: Pyromania is a banger.
- It slaps.
- It’s a slappin’ banger.
- And there’s, like, nine guitarists onstage.
- I think Leppard had three at this point, plus Brian has joined the group for Now I’m Here.
- Two of the members of Def Leppard are wearing vests, but not shirts.
- The drummer is also wearing a vest, which is impressive given the facts.
- WAIT: Brian May has a vest on, as well.
- It’s nothing but vests up there, folks.
- Brian’s vest has stars all over it because of course it does.
- I’m surprised it doesn’t have badgers on it.
- Holy shit, another Freddie montage.
- Eh, better than more Def Lep.
- At the concert, they did two more numbers, but they are not included in this presentation.
- This isn’t even a montage, it’s just the whole video for I’m Going Slightly Mad.
- Which is a good video, but what the fuck?
- My God, it’s Bob Geldof.
- He is wearing a suit.
- Maybe the suit’s wearing him.
- These gentlemen are playing some sort of Irish music.
- That’s all we need to discuss about Bob Geldof EXCEPT that he was in Bohemian Rhapsody storming around and–in the movie–Queen’s performance is the catalyst for millions of dollars in donations.
- The movie says that Queen saved Africa.
- They fed the world.
- They let them know it was Christmastime.
- Which is not how it happened at all, but I’m thinking about doing a post about Live Aid, so I’ll save it for then.
- GUNS.
- AND.
- ROSES.
- The Mark II version, but still: GnR.
- Axl looks like this:
- Slash looks like that, too.
- The sharp-eyed will notice Dizzy Reed wailing away on his tambourine in the background.
- Like I said: this was the Mark II band, the Use Your Illusion band.
- There was Dizzy Reed on keyboards, and Gilby Clarke replacing Izzy, plus Matt Sorum and his ramen-noodle hair on drums instead of Steven Adler.
- And black-up singers.
- Once a band reaches a certain level, black-up singers are a necessity.
- PLUS–for the live shows on the two-year long Illusion tour–another keyboard player and an all-female horn section.
- And they never sounded as good as they did at the Ritz that night in ’88.
- Slash with the doubleneck.
- Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door time.
- Yes, indeed, Axl.
- Give us all some reggae.
- You can watch it if you want:
- But, if you’re unfamiliar: towards the end of their cover of Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door, Axl would demand of the band “Gimme some reggae!”
- And they would provide the reggae, whether they should have or not.
- Now Elizabeth Taylor is onstage.
- Looking rather trim.
- Pilled up, but trim.
- Never got the whole thing with Elizabeth Taylor.
- The sex symbol thing.
- She looked like the women my mother played mah jongg with.
- She did hate some AIDS, though.
- Give her that.
- If you were AIDS, and Liz Taylor saw you, she was mean-mugging you.
- The punters are now heckling Liz Taylor.
- But she’s giving it back to ’em.
- And now they love her.
- But she won’t shut the fuck up.
- We get it, Liz.
- AIDS: bad.
- Got it.
- Back to the rockyroll.
- SHE WON’T STOP TALKING ABOUT AIDS!
- Be quiet, damn you!
- We’ve developed retrovirals since you started talking!
- Oh, good, she’s gone.
- Another Freddie montage.
- Eisenstein would’ve thought this was too many montages.
- IT’S QUEEN!
- Kinda, mostly, sort of.
- As close as you could get at the time.
- Brian and Roger and John playing Tie Your Mother Down.
- Here, watch:
- And then Def Leppard’s lead singer came out.
- I know his real name, but I’m not gonna call him that.
- I’m gonna call him Jeff Leppard.
- That guy did a lot with a little.
- Not especially charismatic.
- Voice is fine.
- Good hair, though.
- I’ll give Jeff that.
- Brian and Slash are doing their Rock Moves at one another.
- Okay, I’m tired and hungry and so this will be a two-parter.
- I don’t know who you have to thank for that.
- It occurs to me that I’ve forgotten to fill you in on any of the context of this show.
- Whattya want for nothing?
if i could turn back ti-eye-muh. sexcellent!
i seem to recall a lot of “neer-neer, neer-neer” & potato salad crotchartisanality