- No joke, Enthusiasts.
- Gonna spoil the shit out of this movie.
- Avengers: Engarde! will be more spoiled than a gas station oyster po’boy left out in the sun and coughed on by Magic Johnson.
- More spoiled than Ivanka.
- More spoiled than my tum-tum after eating two pounds of popcorn, and it’s not like I didn’t know what was going to happen: every time I go to the pictures, I buy the Super Duper Jumbo Combo Snack Pack–it’s cost-effective, dontcha know–and then feel grody for hours afterwards.
- Spoiled!
- So, if you’re planning on seeing the flick this weekend or whenever, and don’t want to know who dies or who comes back or how much hardcore pornography there is: leave now.
- (There is an almost uncomfortable amount of hardcore pornography in Avengers: Enkidu’s Revenge. I can’t believe they got Chris Evans to go that far; the man takes more cocks than a chicken thief.)
- Seriously, spoilers.
- Make up your minds, Enthusiasts.
- I’ll provide you with some decidin’ music:
- Okay, then.
- You’ve been informed, and I’m assuming you’re consenting.
- Here we go.
- …
- …
- …
- I have no idea what happened in Avengers: Encephalitis.
- There was time traveling.
- And quips.
- I don’t know whether the quips came in between incidences of time travel, or vice versa; the quip-to-time travel ratio was just about even.
- BUT since there were the aforementioned temporal jaunts, none of it made any sense if you thought about it for more than a second.
- Or less than a second.
- You really shouldn’t think about this film at all.
- (Time travel is–IN RE: suspension of disbelief–almost impossible for me to swallow. Guy builds himself an armored super-suit? Sure. Evil robot wants to take over the world? Absolutely. We’re gonna go back to ten minutes before the bad guy gets theNO STOP IT SHUT THE FUCK UP.)
- Anyway, the movie starts and half the world is dead.
- The ramifications of this fact are not delved into.
- A toe is barely dipped into the fact, honestly.
- We are shown boats anchored around Liberty Island.
- Why?
- Dunno.
- Were there zombies?
- Seems like you could turn Lady Liberty’s isle into a good fortification against chompers, but we are not informed of any zombies.
- Citi Field is also in ruins, but that most likely had nothing to do with Thanos.
- The Mets could do that all on their own.
- (FUN FACT: even with their park destroyed and half the population disappeared, the Mets were still paying off Bobby Bonilla’s contract.)
- Captain America goes to a support group meeting; while there, he is supporting of homosexuality.
- Robert Downey, Jr. has had a daughter.
- Gwyneth Paltrow helped, but the kid clearly belongs to RDJ.
- Hawkeye is now executing Yakuza members, for some reason.
- He’s upgraded from the bow and arrow to a sword, and he has a fashy haircut, and that stultifying family we had to spend 20 minutes with in Avengers: Ultron Gonna Getcha is dead.
- STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME CARE ABOUT MRS. HAWKEYE, MARVEL.
- Oh, apropos of nothing: if you use the word “feels,” then you should kill yourself.
- Right now.
- Do it.
- Don’t be a coward.
- You used a word that irks me, and thus your life is forfeit.
- EAT THE GUN, PUSSY.
- Dude.
- Mm-hmm?
- You’re reviewing a comic book movie.
- Was I being a little intense?
- Little bit.
- This isn’t technically a review, though.
- Whatever is happening here: tone it way the fuck down, muchacho.
- Gotcha.
- It’s not much of a spoiler to reveal that everyone who “died” in Avengers: Intricacy Warp comes back to life.
- Did you really think they were going to kill Spider-Man?
- Or Black Panther?
- Do you have any idea what Clarkisha Kent and the rest of Black Twitter would do if they didn’t bring back T’Challa?
- Or the Disney stockholders?
- Everybody comes back!
- Trumpy Chris comes back, Ballyhoo Condiment comes back, the other black guys come back.
- The cat came back.
- We thought he was a goner, but the cat came back.
- Upon the heroes’ return, there was–and you’ll be astonished at this piece of information–a grand battle in which the opposing sides ran directly at one another on an open field.
- I know that I’ve said this before, but Captain America was literally in the military.
- That was his rank.
- Captain.
- It’s not a nickname, or his nom de punch.
- He should be able to come up with a better tactic than “LEEEEEEEROY JENKINS!”
- (Captain Marvel was also in the military, but she was in the Air Force and I don’t think they learn about ground maneuvers beyond “When you see the enemy maneuvering on the ground, press the button that kills all of them.”)
- Jesus, I’m still nauseous from the popcorn.
- I’ve forgotten most of the movie already, but the snack lingers.
- Anyway, the flick has three parts, each lasting around an hour:
- The Moping.
- Time Bandits.
- It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye.
- Second bit is the best: our heroes go bipping and bopping through the history of the Marvel Corporate Universe stealing Infinity Gems, and they’re inserted in scenes from the previous movies like in Back To The Future 2 (which is referenced twice by the characters) and Captain America gets to fight with himself, because if you are time traveling and meet yourself, you must fight.
- Those are the rules.
- And Black Widow dies.
- Her and Hawkeye–and I feel we glossed over the fact that Hawkeye dealt with the trauma of losing his family in the Snapture by becoming a ninja–go to the planet that looks like Night on Bald Mountain and the Red Skull’s there.
- “Either of you two Jewish?”
- “Inappropriate.”
- “Wow.”
- He’s got the Soul Stone, right?
- And he’ll give it to you if you throw a loved one off a cliff.
- Those are the rules.
- So Hawkeye and Black Widow start arguing over who’s gonna throw themselves off the cliff cuz they’re superduperheroes and that’s the kind of conversation those types have.
- Must admit: Marvel subverted my expectations with this one, Enthusiasts.
- Thought it was gonna be Hawkeye taking that doozy of a first step.
- Mostly because the Black Widow solo movie has been in pre-production for months.
- But she bought it, and that was sad.
- She was such an important part of the MCU.
- Remember that time she had a husky voice?
- We’d miss you, but you won’t go away.
- (You should know that for all my cynicism about Avengers: Engelberthumperdink, I’ve already found a sketchy pirate site that’s streaming a Chinese bootleg and I am planning on rewatching the movie immediately Recall, please, that your humble typist learned to read from Spidey comics, and is utterly incapable of being unbiased about these dumb flicks.)
- And then there’s the big ending.
- But it’s no game, this end!
- World-changing events!
- NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME, TRUE BELIEVER!
- Because Robert Downey, Jr. is too old, and Chris Evans wants to be an artist.
- So they each get their Crowning Moment of Awesome–Tony saves the universe or something, but Cap wields the mighty Mjolnir–and then they die.
- It is so very sad.
- An epic finale, a thrilling conclusion, the end of an era.
- Spider-Man: Far From Home hits theaters July 2nd, 2019.
Watching that Hulk/Iron Man fight reminds me that the Marvel movies are essentially a long experiment in coming to terms with 9/11.