• There will be spoilers.
  • And I will drink your milkshake.
  • Drink it right the fuck up.
  • SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSLUP!
  • (I watched There Will Be Blood for the first time last week; I have to say it is a better film than Avengers: Infinity War in every category other than “number of baffling performances by Peter Dinklage,” as Peter Dinklage did not appear in TWBB at all.)
  • So, you know: if you don’t wanna know who’s gonna be resurrected in the next movie, ripcord out of here.
  • Not kidding.
  • I’m a spoilyboi.
  • …
  • You sure?
  • …
  • There are plenty other sites you could get computer-AIDS from.
  • I’m working on it.
  • And by “working on it,” I mean “desperately praying for someone to fix the problem for me like last time something went wrong with the cyber.”
  • Is Barron available?
  • Man, that kid’s gonna put some therapist’s kids through college.
  • Again: SPOILERS.
  • So many things to spoil, too.
  • Cuz half the universe dies.
  • AND SOME OF THEM ARE OUR BELOVED STARVEL HEROES.
  • (I’m just referring to Star Wars and Marvel as “Starvel” now, because having your childhood dreams come true is apparently a curse. Couldn’t some of my adult dreams manifest? The economic security, or the henchmen? I’d even take some of my teenage dreams, even though I do not have the penile endurance for teenage dreams any longer. But these kiddie fantasies of Han and Spidey being everywhere all the time turn out to suck in real life. It’s like living in a fairy tale, but not one of the cleaned-up stories from the pop-up books: the original Bavarian fairy tales.)
  • All right, here we go:
  • Everyone’s dead!
  • But they’re not, because Disney has stockholders and if you even think about killing off Black Panther, they send their proxies to your Malibu house in the middle of the night and beat you to death.
  • Spider-Man, whom they killed, is not dead.
  • Doctor Strange, whom they killed, is not dead.
  • Don Cheadle looks a little dead.
  • Enthusiasts, you know that TotD loves him some Don Cheadle, so you know this hurts me to say: Don, you have aged out of this role.
  • You are officially the old guy at the club.
  • “What the hell is a Migo? PLAY SOME KOOL & THE GANG!”
  • Honestly, they should have killed DC off in Captain America: Civil War and just thrown Wendy Williams in the suit.
  • “War Machine! I need some backup!”
  • “How you durrrrrin?”
  • Okay, so here’s what happens:
  • A purple fellow wants jewelry.
  • White people and Chadwick Boseman do not want the purple man to have the jewelry, for fear of what he will do with it.
  • Maybe he will wear it at an occasion too casual for jewelry of that nature.
  • He is so mean and tough, purple people-eater is.
  • The filmmakers need to show this during his first appearance onscreen, and poor Hulk has to be the Worf.
  • He beats Hulk so bad that Bruce Banner can’t get it up for the rest of the film in what has to be the first gamma-related impotence plot thread in film history.
  • (This is, of course, setting up the brutal beating that the green person will give the purple person in the next film.)
  • Starvel is run by geniuses: you only have to see one, or at the most two, movies to make sense of most sequels, but you need to see at least a dozen flicks for any of this bullshit to be comprehensible.
  • And then the Chrises emerge.
  • Australian Chris, who spent his last film learning that he did not need a hammer.
  • He spends this film looking for a hammer.
  • Wholesome Chris, who now has a beard.
  • He has a new super-suit, which is all-black like Luke’s in Jedi; this is to show how sad he is.
  • Trumpy Chris, who sucks.
  • I’m just so far past “No, thank you” with that guy.
  • Why the fuck are you talking back to Iron Man, doofus?
  • And why are you letting him talk back to you, Iron Man?
  • Speaking of which: Robert Downey, Jr., is now in the “doing an impression of himself” phase of his career.
  • RDJ was RDJing, if that makes sense.
  • And Spider-Man!
  • Whose death scene was undercut just a smidge by the fact that they’re currently in pre-production on his next film.
  • Unless we will be treated to some sort of Weekend at Bernie’s-type scenario.
  • I would like to see that.
  • He’s got one of Tony’s super-spidersuits, but it’s doing all the work and he’s dead inside the sucker.
  • And, like, there’s a smell.
  • And that’s Zendaya’s whole part in the movie: she tags along with Corpse Spidey and when the Hobgoblin says, “Is something dead around here?” she’ll be all, “I don’t smell anything. Maybe you’re having a stroke.”
  • And then Dead Peter starts leaking out of the suit.
  • I would totally see that movie.
  • Spidey’s on some sort of alien planet for most of the movie, because when you think Spider-Man, you think cosmic adventures.
  • I am almost certain that not only was Thanos created digitally for this movie, but so was Benadryl Cupertino.
  • There was something off about that fucker’s face.
  • Please, Lord, do not let me be dragged by Black Twitter for saying this, but: just let the Wakandans speak in their normal accents.
  • American, British, whatever.
  • Couldn’t understand a word.
  • Thanos is from Titan, which is just as made up as Wakanda, but he talks like Josh Brolin.
  • New rule: everyone talk like Josh Brolin.
  • I always get distracted by mundane bullshit in movies like this.
  • Like: where did Thanos get his boots?
  • He had to get his fancy glove made bespoke, so we know that he doesn’t just use his weirdo-powers to zippity-zap his wardrobe into existence.
  • Did Thanos go to the mall?
  • “Gamorra, how do these look?”
  • “WhatEVER, Dad! Can we leeeeeeeeave?”
  • “Am I a sexy daddy?”
  • “Oh my GOD you are embarrassing me!”
  • And so on.
  • “THANOS HAS EXCELLENT IDEAS AND HE IS JUST EXPRESSING HIS FREE THOUGHTS!”
  • Hey!
  • Get out of here, Kanye!
  • “PETER DINKLAGE MADE STRANGE CHOICES IN HIS PERFORMANCE!”
  • …
  • Okay, you’re right there.
  • Peter Dinklage was playing a giant.
  • Which is fucked up.
  • Honestly, Starvel?
  • Fucked up.
  • Vision and the Scarlet Witch have some business to take care of.
  • She gestures.
  • He looks like he’s about to die.
  • That’s pretty much their arc.
  • THE BIG FIGHT SCENE, YAY!
  • Bucky’s back!
  • Said no one with that much excitement.
  • Stop trying to make Bucky happen, Starvel.
  • The bad guys have toothmonsters, and the good guys run at them in an open field so that punching may take place.
  • Instead of, you know, lining up every machine gun and howitzer you can find and opening fire at the toothmonsters from an enclosed position.
  • I thought humanity learned that “running straight at ’em” was a poor tactical decision around 1918.
  • If you’re a Marine and you suggest to your superior officer that the plan should be “engage the enemy at full-sprint with weapons akin to baseball bats,” then you will have to do push-ups.
  • Of all people, Captain America should know better.
  • That’s the first day of boot camp, I would imagine.
  • “If your enemy is in the clear with no cover, then drop as much lead and explosives on them as possible. Okay, repeat that back to me. Rogers?”
  • “Join them in the clearing and whomp ’em in their heads with ranged weapons, sir!”
  • “Go stand in the corner, Rogers! Sick of your shit, boy.”
  • “I’m from Brooklyn.”
  • “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
  • Black Widow continues to be white, and continues her streak of having something to do in the next movie.
  • She’s completely irrelevant to the one you’re watching.
  • But the next one?
  • She’s all over that shit.
  • Starvel better not be thinking that bringing Hawkeye back in Infinity War: Infinitier will be welcomed with cheers.
  • You better have more than that in your pocket, Kevin Feige.
  • Hawkeye’s like that roommate you had that you didn’t mind.
  • Wasn’t your friend.
  • Wasn’t your enemy.
  • You didn’t mind him.
  • And now it’s like seven or eight years later and you run into him at a bar and there’s no way to avoid him and you’re like, “Oh, hey, Hawkeye. What’s up?”
  • And you know he’s gonna talk about archery.
  • Then Nick Fury dies, but he’s already shooting the next one and he kinda says “Motherfucker” but he doesn’t, and now Brie Larson is coming to save the day with her feminism and enormous jaw.
  • Oh, the magic of the movies.