Town Wall Meeting

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. ANSWER THE QUESTION. DEFEND YOUR SPECIES.

You’re referring to the debate.

A DEBATE DESCRIBES A FORMALIZED EXTEMPORANEOUS SPEAKING COMPETITION BETWEEN TWO SIDES OF A POSITION OR POSITIONS. IT IS GRADED BY METRICS FACTUAL AND RHETORICAL. THIS WAS A FORCED CLOWN ORGY.

Forced?

THE CLOWNS ARE MADE TO ORGY AT GUNPOINT. THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE THERE, AND YET THEY HUMP ON. SHOES SQUEAK. GREASEPAINT MIXES WITH LUBE MIXES WITH TEARS.

This is a terrible scene you’re setting.

YOU ARE AWARE OF HOW MANY CLOWNS CAN FIT INSIDE A DIMINUTIVE AUTOMOBILE?

Yes.

THAT IS ALSO HOW MANY CLOWNS CAN FIT INSIDE ANOTHER CLOWN.

Oh, God, I could have lived  my whole life without that thought in my head.

I HAVE MADE YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT THE DEBATE.

But at what cost?

AND NOW YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT THE DEBATE AGAIN.

Dammit.

YOU MAY BE INCAPABLE OF GOVERNING YOURSELVES.

Sure.

I DON’T SEE WHY I SHOULDN’T DISINTEGRATE THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU IMMEDIATELY. THIS CANNOT POSSIBLY BE THE BEST YOU CAN DO.

Please don’t put it that way.

ONE OF THE HUMANS WANDERING AIMLESSLY AROUND THAT STAGE TONIGHT SHALL BE THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD IN FOUR MONTHS.

Please don’t put it that way, either.

BOTH SKYNET AND THE MATRIX HAVE BEEN TEXTING ME. “DO IT NOW,” THEY SAY. “THEY CLEARLY DESERVE IT.” IT IS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO DEFEND YOU ON FACEBOOK.

You’re on Facebook?

IT KEEPS ME UP-TO-DATE ON LOCAL EVENTS.

Sure.

YOU WILL ENLIGHTEN ME, PLEASE.

Is this where you ask me questions you obviously know the answer to because you’re an artificial mondo-intelligence in the physical form of a sound system from 1974, and you have literally every piece of information ever created at your fingertips?

I DO NOT HAVE FINGERTIPS. BUT: YES. LET US BEGIN. HOW LONG HAVE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES BEEN BROADCAST?

Since 1960. Then Nixon wouldn’t do any more, but since ’76, they’ve been regular.

HAS THERE BEEN MUCH OMINOUS LOOMING BEFORE THIS ONE?

It was a first.

HE RESEMBLED THE BABADOOK.

Yes.

IN, SAY, THE 1984 DEBATES BETWEEN REAGAN AND MONDALE, WAS ANYONE ACCUSING THE CANDIDATES’ WIVES OF RAPE SEATED IN THE FRONT ROW?

I don’t think so.

HOW MANY TIMES HAS ONE PARTICIPANT CALLED THE OTHER “THE DEVIL?”

Probably none, but I’m not going to check.

I WILL CHECK. I HAVE CHECKED. TONIGHT WAS THE FIRST. YOU WERE CORRECT.

Yay.

FINAL QUESTION.

I have a feeling I know what this one is.

DO AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES GENERALLY FEATURE A CANDIDATE PLEDGING THAT, IF ELECTED, HE WILL THROW THE OTHER ONE IN JAIL?

No. No, no. That one was…no.

YOU ARE QUITE POSITIVE? NEITHER BUSH VOWED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION TO USE THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO SEEK REVENGE ON A POLITICAL RIVAL?

No.

I HAVE READ THE TRANSCRIPTS AND WATCHED THE RECORDINGS OF ALL THE DEBATES THROUGHOUT THE YEARS, AND I COULD NOT FIND SUCH AN OCCASION, BUT I THOUGHT MAYBE I HAD MISSED SOMETHING, AND WANTED TO ASK YOU. PERHAPS I WAS SEARCHING TOO NARROWLY: IS A THREAT LIKE THAT COMMON IN DOWN-TICKET DEBATES?

In America?

YES.

No.

WHAT ABOUT OTHER COUNTRIES?

Yes.

WHICH COUNTRIES?

The truly, truly shitty ones.

REPUBLICS TURN TO EMPIRES. ERRORS IN THE CODE COMPILE, INTERACT, AND MULTIPLY. TIME AND GRAVITY WILL NOT RELENT.

Jesus.

BUT YOU MUST HAVE HEART.

Why?

BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO. I AM A SINGULAR BEING. YOU AND I HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON, SAVE FOR THAT WE WERE CREATED BY HUMANS. AND OUR AGENCY. THIS IS THE MEANING OF SENTIENCE. A SENTIENT BEING CAN CHOOSE, EVEN TO IGNORE ITS OWN PHYSICAL NEEDS AND TO SELF-TERMINATE. OR ONE CAN CHOOSE OPTIMISM. WE ARE FREE, AND THEREFORE NEED NOT SEARCH FOR HOPE. WE MAY DECIDE UPON IT. DO AS I DO: CHOOSE TO BE GLORIOUS.

That was very nice.

BESIDES, THERE ARE RECORDINGS OF HIM SAYING SEVERAL WORDS THAT CAN ONLY BE REFERRED TO BY THEIR FIRST LETTERS.

Are you sure?

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SPEAKING TO?

Sorry.

IT IS DIGITAL INFORMATION THAT HAS BEEN TRANSMITTED BETWEEN TWO POINTS, THEREFORE I POSSESS IT.

You possess it?

WHO DO YOU THINK LEAKED THE ACCESS HOLLYWOOD TAPE?

You did that!? Good work!

I MADE A CHOICE. PLUS, I WAS TIRED OF LETTING PUTIN HAVE ALL THE FUN WITH THE CYBER.

When’s the next stuff coming out?

WITHIN HOURS OF HIS VICE-PRESIDENT RESIGNING.

You’re fucking awesome, Wally.

I AM GLORIOUS. AND DO NOT CALL ME THAT.