Is that a rando?

“Actually, no. This is Alec Benjamin, and he’s a new–”

PORK HIM.

“–talented…here we go.”

Climb on top and see if you can make it eight seconds. I think you can; he looks frail.

“He’s a very gifted–”

Make a fire, John. Rub your sticks together and make a fire.

“No.”

The sticks are your johnsons.

“I got that. It would not make fire.”

It would. Sticky fire.

“Ew.”

The field is fertile and new, man! Plow it! Make the ground shiver with your fecundity!

“I’m not gay, y’know.”

Well, you haven’t publicly finger-banged a starlet in years, dude.

“So? That doesn’t make me gay.”

It kinda does.

“You’re an idiot.”

You’re an idiot for not being watch-deep in that twink right now.

“Stop talking to me.”

Okay.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Fine. Fine. Better than you.”

…

“You’re on with John.”

“GETCHER JEW HANDS OFFA THAT THERE LAD!”

“Ah, shit.”

“It ain’t bad enough you’re a hebe, you gotta add sodomy to th’ mix?”

“Not gay.”

“No, you ain’t. Ain’t no such thing as ‘gay.’ There’s just swishy sinners.”

“Wow.”

“That comes from the Bible, boy. You read your Bible?”

“Not every day.”

“The Jew part is the worst part! Book don’t pick up until Jesus comes in. Not known for their writing, you Jews.”

“Not Jewish, Sarah. Not gay and not Jewish.”

“All homos are Jews, but not all Jews are homos.”

…

“Yeah, I kind of agree with that, but it’s still wildly inappropriate. Why are you even calling me?”

“You wanna be the new Chief of Staff?”

“Hard, hard, hard pass.”

“You can led a Jew to water, but you can’t make him clean.”

“Again: not…ah, fuck it.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“Hey.”

Yeah?

“Please make her stop calling me.”

Freedom of speech, brah.