Vindbreaker

Are we still doing irony?

“Oh, definitely. See, I’m wearing this windbreaker, but I’m also ‘wearing’ it. I’m kinda my own comment section.”

You should live as a refugee for, like, a week.

“Dude, totally. I could bring along a camera crew from Vice.”

No. Don’t do that.

“But it would bring awareness.”

People are aware of the refugee situation.

“No, I meant to my new single. Have you heard it?”

Most of it.

“What did you think?”

17-year-old you would kick your fucking ass.

“No.”

Oh, yeah. The kid standing in front of the mirror pretending to be Eddie Van Halen? He’d beat you like a rented stepchild.

“You can rent stepchildren?”

In Florida, you can buy them.

“It’s a loose economy down there.”

The entire state is a gray market. Josh, play your guitar and stop trying to fit in with the youths.

“I am very youthful.”

You’re not. You’re my age, and I’m old as fuck.

“You’re just a jealous dick, y’know that?”

“Da. Jewish typist is degenerate.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Putin hear subtext. Subtext is always about Jews.”

“I truly have no problems with Jewish people. Why are you here?”

“Putin start radio show. Putin is Radio Rasputin.”

“I guess that means the show will be tough to cancel, huh?”

“Do nyet make joke, Katy Perry’s Boyfriend. Putin gets laugh lines vhen he appears. Is in contract.”

“You have a contract?”

“Da. You vant to see contract? Maybe is in next cup of coffee you drink. Maybe is sprayed on you next time you are in mall. Putin can show contract if you vant.”

“I’m fine.”

“This is vhat everyone says.”

“Congratulations on your inauguration, by the way.”

“Spaceeba. Vas biggest crowd for any inauguration anyvhere.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You see vhat Putin did?”

“Yup.”

“Putin make joke. First, Putin destabilize your country, then Putin mock you in public for it.”

“Everyone sees that, yes.”

“Putin having good run. Like Stones from ’68 to ’72.”

“Leave the Stones’ golden era out of your geopolitical machinations, damn you!”

“You have reqvest for Radio Rasputin?”

“Can you play some of my new stuff?”

“Nyet.”

“Old stuff?”

“Nyet.”

“Dead & Company?”

“Nyet. Vill play Doobie Brothers and you vill like it.”

“Aw.”