“Junior–”
“Dude, chill. I’m playing Fortnite.”
“Yeah, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Do you play? What’s your screen name? Mine’s Businessman69. Because I’m a businessman. And, you know, because 69.”
“Uh-huh. Are you talking to other players on your little microphone?”
“Gotta, dude! Talking shit is, like, half the game. I talk such good shit. Sometimes, I call people fags. A lot of the time, I just scream NI–”
“Junior! Are you talking to randos in a video game about legal matters?”
“Only to people who say they’re lawyers. I’m not an idiot.”
“No, you’d have to get smarter to be an idiot. You need to stop playing that game.”
“Stop streaming on Twitch, or stop altogether?”
“You’re streaming on Twitch?”
“Me and Ninja did some team-play the other day. Broke a million viewers, bro.”
“Stop it. Stop everything you’re doing.”
“What about my vlog?”
“You vlog? About what?”
“My feelings. And I react to movie trailers.”
“I need you to get off the internet.”
“But when I call people ‘cucks’ in real life, they laugh at me!”
“Off the internet! Now, Junior, we need to talk about this new meeting that you neglected to tell me about.”
“Which one?”
“Well, first we’re going to discuss the meeting between you, the child molester who’s buddies with the Saudi princes, the guy with his own private army, and someone who was almost certainly an Israeli spy.”
“Oh, that meeting.”
“Yes. Can you tell me what happened in the meeting?”
“I’ll try. I think the Saudi guy was all like, ‘Oh, dude, the princes love your dad so much, he’s so awesome and powerful and we hate Hillary because she kills hitchhikers, and we want your dad to win and if he does we’ll give him an orb.’ I remember they said the thing about the orb because I didn’t know what an ‘orb’ was.”
“Okay.”
“Still don’t, as a matter of fact. Never looked it up.”
“Back to the meeting.”
“And whathisface, the army guy, he’s all, ‘I wanna help you crush the…crush the…’ Who do the Saudis want to crush? Sounds like ‘Bimini.'”
“The Yemenis.”
“Sounds right. I was pretty sure the Saudis didn’t have a problem with Bimini.”
“No one has a problem with Bimini.”
“I do. I got chlamydia there.”
“Focus, Junior. What about the Israeli guy?”
“Very hairy. Like, his shirt could not contain it. Came curling around his cuffs and through the buttonholes and everything.”
“What did he say?”
“He was like a hacker dude. He said he was the King of Twitter, and I was like, ‘Pssh. That’s my dad.’ And the guy was like, ‘Oh, yeah. You’re right. Besides your dad. We love your dad so much, he’s so awesome and powerful.'”
“And you didn’t think it was weird that Israel and Saudi Arabia shared an opinion?”
“Nah. Those guys have a love-hate thing going on.”
“Nope.”
“What did you say about a child molester?”
“George Nader. The guy who was representing the Saudis? Caught with child porn a bunch of times.”
“Huh. Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“Girls or boys?”
“I’m not having this discussion.”
“I just wanna know how bad it was.”
“We’re moving on and I’m making a mental note to donate heavily to the first charity I find after you leave my office.”
“The Trump Foundation is legally a charity.”
“Have there been any other meetings you’re not telling me about?”
“I do not recall.”
“That’s what you say on the stand, not in here.”
“Oh, right. I forgot. Um, yes? I guess so.”
“Great. Let’s start with the foreign nationals.”
“The Nationals are from Washington.”
“Not the baseball team. I mean people from other countries. How many meetings did you have with people from other countries?”
“A bunch, I guess. We met some Venezuelans.”
“What happened there?”
“They stole all the bagels and left.”
“Sounds right.”
“I met some black guys.”
“Do you remember what country they were from?”
“I wanna say Wakanda.”
“They were not from Wakanda.”
“Zmunda?”
“Similarly fictional.”
“Rhodesia.”
“Defunct and problematic. Let’s just move on. Did you meet with any Chinese?”
“Delivery guy count?”
“Not at all.”
“Oh, wait, yeah. I had a bunch of meetings with the Chinese. Do you know they build a city every 35 minutes in China?”
“Yes.”
“They offered us one. Like, the Trump Organization would brand it.”
“And what did they want in return?”
“Nothing! They were just being generous.”
“Yeah, that’s what they’re known for.”
“We did discuss ripping up the Interstate system and having them replace it all with toll-roads.”
“There you go. Was anything actually exchanged at these meetings?”
“No.”
…
“I mean, they brought envelopes of cash, but those were gifts.”
“I quit.”
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