“Thank you, great, Puerto Rico, great. We got here this morning, beautiful weather. Such a spectacular flight over. Pilot was pointing out the other islands, you could see forever, just the most beautiful flight. A little hot here. Can we crank up the air? Brock? Where’s Brock Long? Brock?”
MAN WITH PORN NAME RUNNING IN NOISE
“Brock. This guy’s famous now. Looks so good on teevee, very strong. Hasn’t slept in almost ten hours. Giving it all for me. Really working very hard for me. Brock, great. Brock, turn up the air.”
“We’re trying to conserve diesel, Mr. Pres–”
“I wanna be able to see my breath.”
“Fine, sir.”
MAN WITH PORN NAME RUNNING OUT NOISE
“Brock. A-plus. Everyone’s giving him A-plus after A-plus. Doing just the best job. Would be doing better if certain people weren’t trying to stop him, and of course the fake news. What’s ‘fake news’ in Spanish? Fake-o news-o. Very bad. Shame none of the hurricanes didn’t knock down some newsrooms.
“Category Five. Tremendous hurricane. No one knew there could be a Five. Some people said a Three, a Four. I predicted a Five. Just the biggest hurricane anyone has ever seen, which no one saw coming. Still: not Katrina. 85,000 people died in Katrina, many of them murdered by Hillary Clinton herself. Here, it’s 16. 16 people dead, right? Something like that, around there. Not bad. 16 dead is acceptable. You people kill twice as many during soccer games. I can live with 16.
“Everything is going so well, and everyone involved is being very, very generous with their comments. Such beautiful comments. The people here have been so welcoming except for a couple. We’ll get to them. We’ll get to them. I want to let people thank me first. We have a Congresswoman. Congresswoman?”
“Here, sir.”
“Congresswoman?”
“Right here, sir.”
“Where is she?”
“I’m the short woman raising my hand, sir.”
“I know who you are. Congresswoman from Puerto Rico. Biggest constituency in the country. I know that. Many people don’t, but I do. No one told me on the plane ride over, I knew it. Did you know that? 3.5 million in your constituency.”
“I did, sir.”
“Less the 16 who died.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Great, talk about the job we’re doing that I’m doing.”
“Mr. President, on behalf of the people of Puerto Rico, I would like to thank you for the exemplary leadership you’ve shown during this crisis. You’ve coordinated the military, FEMA, and various civilian agencies. I have never seen a man so thoroughly in control of all of the facts, contingencies, and logistics of a situation. Your brave and strong presidenting has been an inspiration to us all, and as we say in Puerto Rico, Sólo sigue dándonos dinero, idiota.”
“See? Very nice. Generous and nice, and many people heard her say it. Just wonderful. Hey, who wants toilet paper? I got toilet paper.”
MODIFIED TEE-SHIRT CANNON NOISE
“Hands up, everybody. Catch the toilet paper.”
MODIFIED TEE-SHIRT CANNON NOISE
“Great, fun, okay. Where’s Mitch? I got Mitch Mulvaney, my budget guy. Hillary wouldn’t have brought her budget guy, but I did. Smart! Mitch is great, a great choice, and people are saying the nicest things about him. Working very hard on the budget and you come along and screw it all up. This is gonna be expensive, maybe the most expensive project America has ever undertaken. We’re spending a lot of money on you. Maybe we’re not spending? Maybe we’re lending. We’ll discuss that, we’ll get to that.
“I brought Linda McMahon. Linda? Where’s Linda? Her and Vince, her husband Vince, great guy, they have built such an incredible business. Linda?”
“Here, Mr. President.”
“Linda, I think I could have taken Big John Studd.”
“Excuse me, sir?”
“He didn’t have the speed. I am one of the quickest people you’re ever gonna meet. Like, anywhere. I think I could have beaten him using that speed.”
“I’m sure you could have, sir.”
“You heard her. You heard her beautiful comment. I beat Big John Studd. I got so many generals here, and I get the best generals. Everybody see my generals? Don’t they look great? Where’s Army? Who is Army?”
“Here, sir.”
“Stand up, Army. Great, look at this. Okay, sit down. Navy? Who’s my Navy?”
“That’s me, sir.”
“Hello, Navy. I love that uniform.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Air Force? Did we bring an Air Force? Air Force? No Air Force? General Kelly, where’s my Air Force? General Kelly? Where’s the general?”
LARGE MAN SITTING SILENTLY NOISE
“General? Air Force? Okay, they’re around here. Who are you?”
“I’m with the Coast Guard, sir.”
“Why are you wearing a uniform?”
“Because the Coast Guard is part of the military, sir.”
“I knew that. Everyone knows that I knew that.”
“Yes, sir.”
“You all heard him say that I knew that. We have the best Coast Guard of maybe any country in the world. Lots of countries get their coasts invaded, but never us. And that’s because of these brave, brave, brave men. So brave. I’m gonna get you guys new boats.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“With stealth. You know what this stealth is? You, like, can’t see the boat at all. There’s literally nothing there. Guys are looking around, they can’t see you. It’s the most amazing technology you’ve ever seen and paired with our brave, brave, brave Coast Guard, who the NFL players are disrespecting, it’s gonna make us a country that everyone is talking about. Stealth boats, we’ll do that.
“We also cannot rule out the possibility that Radical Islamic Terrorism was behind the hurricane. How do we know what they’re capable of? Very smart people. Very evil, but very smart.
“And now we pray for Las Vegas.”
…
MODIFIED TEE-SHIRT CANNON NOISE
“All right, great, FEMA, great, thank you.”
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