“Why do I believe in God? And, of course, by ‘God’ I mean White Jesus. I believe in God because He has granted me the opportunity to advance President Trump’s agenda.”
“Nice, yes, religion, wonderful. Thank you, Ranch.”
“Reince.”
“Didn’t I fire you?”
“Not yet, sir.”
“I’ll get to it. Next. Rick Perry. Where’s Rick? Rick?”
“Here, sir. I love you. I’ll say it, and if people wanna talk, then let ’em. I love you, you manly sumbitch. I’d accept you within myself. You get what I’m sayin’ here? I love you for three reasons: you’re so smart, and you’re so tall, and…and…”
“COUGH COUGH BIG HANDS COUGH!”
“Right, yeah. Thanks, Ranch.”
“Reince.”
“You got some fuckin’ paws on you, Mister President.”
“Yes, terrific, hands, okay. Next, who’s next? Chinese lady, what’s your name?”
“Elaine Chao, sir.”
“Hit it.”
“The ‘J’ in ‘Donald J. Trump’ stands for ‘Jesus.'”
“Beautiful. Short and sweet. Usually, you people are sweet and sour. Great. Where’s the Mad Dog? Mad Dog?”
“I prefer to be called General Mattis, sir. I’d rather you call me Jim, even.”
“General Mad Dog! Say something wonderful about how wonderful I am.”
“It is an honor to serve my country and lead the men and women of the United States Armed Forces. They are the finest warriors in the world, and nothing is more sacred to me than doing my duty to them.”
…
“You gonna say my name?’
“Trump.”
“That’s better, much better. General, you wanna kick Ranch in the neck?”
“Reince. And: what?”
“Ranch, bend over so the General can kick you in the neck.”
“I’m actually not going to do that, Mr. President.”
“You just give me the high sign. I’ll make him bend over for you. Screw it: Ranch, get down on all fours and bark like a dog.”
REINCE PREIBUS SECRET BUTTON-PUSHING SOUND
…
NAVY STEWARD ENTERING WITH TWO SCOOPS OF CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM SOUND
“Ooh, ice cream. Many people have compared Melania to Dolly Madison, With better tits, though. Mike?”
“Here, sir.”
“Mike?”
“Right here.”
“Where’s Mike? My vice-president, I picked him so well. Mike?”
“I’m sitting next to you, sir.”
…
“Mike?”
“I’m here, sir.”
“Oh, there you are. You’re very easy to overlook. Okay, hit it.”
“President Trump, your courage, acumen, and bold leadership are truly making America great again.”
“True.”
“I just wish Robert Mueller agreed with me.”
“What!?”
“Some of the things he said about you were just cruel, sir. Vicious, even.”
“Like what?”
“Terrible things about your family, sir.”
“Fuck them, what about me?”
“Called you a millionaire.”
“That’s it!”
FATASS WADDLING OUT OF A ROOM HE SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN LET INTO IN THE FIRST PLACE SOUND
…
MIKE PENCE SMILING SOUND.
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